My previous posts explain my situation. Verbally separated by her request, still in same house and over 2 months left till she supposedly moves, but she's not always sure. A few days ago, I asked her to not sleep in our bed. Now I'm wondering the following, and I really appreciate the help I've already got from here....thanks very much. I'm going to start reading more about Plan A/B tonight. In the meantime, here is what I'm wondering.<P>1. Should I tell her she can move into our bed again...couch isn't comfortable.<P>2. Should I reiterate to her that I know she has a relationship...I have basically all the evidence, except having caught them. As part of this, tell her that I will continue to work on our marriage and that I will rebuild regardless of everything that has happened, should it come to that?<P>3. She will go to a movie with me next week. Good idea to keep doing stuff like that?<P>4. And finally, I do feel like a dummy and a doormat if I am nice and caring, but I love her. I have a hard time keeping inside, my hurt and bitterness for what is happening. Is it the right approach to keep it inside, and just use Plan A for myself and to meet her needs. It is really hard to look at her and know what she was doing last night at his place. Sickening. How does one deal with the feelings that this causes? I find that very hard. Currently she "thinks" that I dont' really know what she is doing. Should I tell her again...she always denies, but she knows it inside.<P>Thanks very much.

OK, this is just my personal opinion so take it for what it is (just one man's opinion).<P>As for sleeping in the bed together, it depends on what the tone is betweeen the two of you is at the moment. If your fairly sure that your offer for her to sleep in the bed wouldn't be taken as an act of selfishness (ie for sex) or as an act of desperately clinging on to her, then offer it.<P>All I know is what I went through with my wife. It was like we were playing a game. I had to act confident and not cling on to her and at the same time spend as much time with her as I could making her feel good. If I acted like I needed her too much, it didn't go well. If I was pissed off and acted like I was ready to leave, it didn't go well.<P>Through all this I also had to try and put what she was doing out of my mind. I had to look at her as someone that was ill for a time, I was there to see her through this and my time would come later to express my grief, humiliation, anger, etc to her.<P>But during this time when she was undecided, it was crisis control, I had to forget about my pain for the time being (there were minor slip ups on my part however :-] ).<P>Again, if it were me, I would tell her that you know what is going on and ask her to stop seeing this person. Regardless of how she responded, I would reiterate that you want to get through this and your marriage is much more important than anything that's happened.<P>Hope this helps...

I am so sorry to hear that you are as lost as anyone who is in this 'precarious' situation. How it must hurt. I am reading a book 'Forgive and Forget - healing the hurts you do not deserve' by Lewis Smedes. It will help you deal with the full force of the anguish you will feel as the A becomes known and you both have to deal with all the questions and answers (which may not be fully revealed).<P>It is a plus point that you know what you want - you love her and you want the marriage to work. What about suggesting that you both see a marriage counsellor as a start to bringing up the 'taboo' subject. I think your W may be afraid if you accuse her outright and there may be fights and she may run out of the house to OM. If you sit down with her and hold her hand and gently suggest seeing a counsellor together, she will know that you are prepared to work on the marriage and she will be less defensive.<P>From the counselling you may discover things that you may not like or may be surprised by. A trained pastor may also be helpful like the one I had because my H would or could not tell me the truth or whole story as he was terribly defensive and I was physically violent and that was getting to our newborn. You are on good ground because you know what you want (I didn't - I wanted out). That is a very positive step.<P>BUT for your own mental well being, as well as emotional and physical and spiritual, you will need to deal with the torment (doubts, anxiety, bitterness, unforgiveness, etc) which will unfold. Do not sweep them under the rug because it will prevent you from healing totally so that you become a whole person again. <P>MAY Jesus bless you and guide you as you go through one of life's most devastating and difficult moments. Come out of it stronger, wiser and better.<P>from weep

My heart is truly out to you. I completely understand what your going through. Sorry I dont have any advise for you If you read my post you"ll see my life is a complete mess right now and my dealing with this mess for the past ten months is not going so well. Do what is in your heart is all I can suggest. Either way you'll know you did what you thought was right. Best of luck. I'll pray for you.

Rick37, I understand your concerns completely. I can't guess how many times my wife complained that I was controlling, had her on a leash, kept her from having any fun, etc. I couldn't understand why she'd feel that way, each time I suggested we go somewhere or do something she'd say no. Turns out she was having an affair.<BR>I've worried about laying down, rolling over, just to stay with her. Will she see my forgiveness as weakness and continue her affairs? It worries me. The thing is, there's no way to know!<BR>Here's some advice I've been given:<BR>Don't give more of yourself than you can afford to loose! <BR>Some people are more afraid of being alone than of being in a relationship with someone who lies and cheats, look hard at yourself and your situation to see if that's why you want to stay with her.<BR>No one can tell you what the right thing to do is! No one knows what is going on in her mind, there's no guarantees, look at it from what is best for you.<BR>Think it over, talk with her, let her know how you feel. Then ask her to make a decision about what she wants. Be clear on what you want and what you won't put up with so there's no misunderstanding. Don't threaten, just state your feelings honestly.<P>That's what I've been advised to do and I think it's good advice. Realize you have no control over what your wife chooses to do, but you can make sure she understands that you won't stay if she mistreats you, that you have choices too.<P>Good luck, thinking clearly in these situations is not easy, but you can do it.<BR>