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#402025 08/25/00 12:57 AM
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 11
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jtr Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 11
Yesterday was our 26th wedding annivesary. Another day to add to sorriest list. Been dealing with H affair since Dec 99 and dont know if its getting better or we are coming closer to knowing its over. He claims hes had no contact with OW since Aug 9. He suggested we go away for this weekend to Ocean City Maryland. After half a day I got reservations then when H comes home he doesn't thing he can get away from work (hes self employed)I cancelled them. I planned a romantic diner candle light music sexy nighty. He came home his usual 7:40 had to stay aand BS with his friends over a few beers till traffic cleared. He noticed the diner table said it was nice and asked if this was my sexy look! He went to change out of work clothes. We ate and talk theen the S hit the fan. We talked about our lives and what I got out of it is he blames me for most of the mess we are now in. I went from being a nun to (I didnt let him see me naked much or dress in front of him) to being a slut ( now I'll walk around naked in front of him). I always took care of him my kids and my brother sisters etc. I'm wrong now for helping my brother try to collect SS. He should have A marked across his chest. I"m not happy when he comes in from work. I told him my problem now is the fact that he admits he still care about OW and he gets off when she beeps him of leaves a message on answer machine in shop. He will not go for counciling. I told him I feel like a failure like crap etc. He said your a good women I love you. Then on to TV. I went to watch for awhile then got up. He asked were I was going- "To change I feel like a fool." I returned and he moticed me to sit near him . I did.He said nothing and did nothing. We went to bed shortly after I asked if he wanted to fool around-"I'LL PASS" is all he said. I got up crying my heart and said I was going for a ride he asked me not to but never got out of bed I dressed and left. Came back in about 5 minutes went back to bed kissed him said I was sorry he never answered. I asked if he was awake he said yes. Asked if he was mad NO end of evening. By the way he stop at a drug store and bought me a bottle of perfume. He knows I want some sort on new band even if its a rubber washer but nothning to date. He gave the OW a $5200. diamond ring and ask her to marry him in November. Money is not the problem. Are we fooling ourself? Should we just end it already? I dont know how much more I can handle.

#402026 08/25/00 05:49 AM
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 19
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mrb Offline
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 19
I can hear the hurt. I pray for healing in your marriage. Do you think he would be willing to read the books or listen to any of the tapes by Dr. Harley? I would suggest that you give him one of them and let him know--in your sweetest way--that you want him to listen/read. Ask him once and then wait. Be delighted if he does and try not to be disappointed if he does not. I know it is not easy but try to stay relaxed and friendly.<P>Be good to yourself. You are worth it!

#402027 08/26/00 12:52 AM
Joined: Mar 1999
Posts: 2,121
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If I understand your post correctly, he has only stopped contact with the OW for a couple weeks. Is that right? If it is correct, there isn't an awful lot that you can do right now to get the response from him that you're hoping for. He's probably still going through his own pain from the affair,,,the pain from the hurt he has caused you and the family, his own guilt and withdrawal from the OW. <P>If you haven't already, please read "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. I know that by now I probably sound like an agent or promoter for this book (not true) but it gave me so many answers to my questions. And it honestly made me understand I was not crazy or losing my mind. Also gave me some insight as to what my H was suffering. My H sounds alot like yours,,very quiet, thinks I should know what he's thinking, and wants this whole episode to simply vanish. Because, at first, he was very hesitant to talk to me, the book helped immensely. <P>This is going to take time,jtr. I know it's that old word you'll learn to hate, if you don't already, but time will take care of much of this, along with alot of work. <P>I'm so sorry your anniversary turned out to be so much less than you hoped but don't give up. This first year is the hardest to get through. Hopefully your 27th will be the one to really remember! Good luck to you.


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