Hi,<BR>I'm new here and looking for answers. I first posted this topic in 'A&B', but later realised that perhaps this was more relevant.<P>As so many of you, my life has been ripped apart by infidelity. I found out last Christmas that my H was having an affair.This was after 7 glorious and loving years together. The most obvious signs were his change in behaviour towards me- always late, protective of mobile phone, wallet, distant towards me etc.,etc., His character seemed to have changed totally (when I looked back, the signs had been there for several months but an affair was the last thing I suspected). I was hurt beyond belief when I discovered the real reason behind it all.The OW even called me Christmas Day to tell me all about it!<P>At first I was hurt and angry and then tried to reason with my H, he was in complete denial, the only real information I got out of him was that he hadn't been happy - this was a total surprise to me as he had never talked to me of any disatisfaction. (we had I thought been closer than any other couples).<BR>He never revealed any details about the A,the only information I have is from my own research. Shortly after my discovery we went on holiday (already planned) to celebrate my 40'th birthday,we returned 4 weeks later and things seemed to return to more or less normal. I tried very hard to forgive him, and he insisted that everything with the OW was over- saying he 'got too close to someone thats all' - he still never gave me any details -- EA/PA etc.? We managed to discuss more about the things he was unhappy with (all that were easily solvable), and both of us came to an agreement to try our best to resolve the situation.<P>The approx. 2 - 3 months ago the same behaviour returned, along with H finding any excuse for an argument, insisting that we don't fit together anymore etc., etc. Of course I became suspicious and along with that, very unhappy once more. Unfortunately my suspicions were confirmed last week when I found recent photos and messages on his mobile phone telling him how she couldn't wait to see him...and what a great time they'ld had...etc. I confronted my H again,at first he denied everything once more (please!!!!!!), but eventually admitted that he 'sees her from time to time' - That doesn't tally with the messages - more like every day. After several days of anguish he now tells me he has called it a day with her, and that it is me he loves and does not want to lose me.<P>There have been so many lies over the last 12 months - I feel I can't think straight anymore. Perhaps he has called it off, perhaps not. Why now if not the last time? His behaviour will reveal the truth.If so what should my next move be in either case? Please bear in mind I had no clue about either Plan A or B at the time of my first discovery.<P>During the last 12 months my H has left our home 4 times (approx 1 week each time) - each time he has returned of his own free will - each time he has stayed alone (I know this to be true)- all the time he has been away he phones and sends messages saying he wants us to be happy again and not to give up on us. The times he has left always coincided with a discovery by myself about his A - he can't face me, guilt, fear? I don't really know.<P>I'm so confused. We had so many plans for our future life together, his behaviour is destroying both our lives. I still love my H desperately and will try anything to restore our happiness.<P>Please someone help me- I feel the life I loved and knew is gone and my husband too.<P>Thanks

Dear Trisha,<P>I am very sorry that you have to be in here - none of us are in an enviable position - but we give support and some excellent discussion on how to deal with the seemingly hopeless situations we find ourselves in.<P>Your H seems to be in a mid life crisis. He needs to sort out his priorities. He needs help to do that. I would suggest a marriage counsellor for both of you.<P>Unfortunately, we tend to believe that our WS are trustworthy because we are honourable ourselves. Once the truth is out, you need to brace yourself for the full force of his unfaithfulness, and you need the support of real friends and loving family members during this stage of grieving. <P>We grieve because we feel the loss of our husband and the marriage vows. Slowly, other painful emotions will take over our lives and you will need the help of supportive people.<P>Be strong and Be kind to yourself. If you want to save the marriage, especially if there are children, you need to Plan A (I am not the resident expert on this because I am the Plan B get out of my house type of personality; but my WS insists that his place is next to me to help me heal because he knows my nature). <P>You can read Dr Steve Harley's basic concepts and there will be others on this forum who have tried Plan A with some measure of success. You can post Catnip, Fairy dust, and a few others. Read the posts for some insight into how others are coping or rising above their despair.<P>God Bless and LOves you<BR>Take care<BR>weep

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by weep:<BR><B>Dear Trisha,<P>I am very sorry that you have to be in here - none of us are in an enviable position - but we give support and some excellent discussion on how to deal with the seemingly hopeless situations we find ourselves in.<P>Your H seems to be in a mid life crisis. He needs to sort out his priorities. He needs help to do that. I would suggest a marriage counsellor for both of you.<P>Unfortunately, we tend to believe that our WS are trustworthy because we are honourable ourselves. Once the truth is out, you need to brace yourself for the full force of his unfaithfulness, and you need the support of real friends and loving family members during this stage of grieving. <P>We grieve because we feel the loss of our husband and the marriage vows. Slowly, other painful emotions will take over our lives and you will need the help of supportive people.<P>Be strong and Be kind to yourself. If you want to save the marriage, especially if there are children, you need to Plan A (I am not the resident expert on this because I am the Plan B get out of my house type of personality; but my WS insists that his place is next to me to help me heal because he knows my nature). <P>You can read Dr Steve Harley's basic concepts and there will be others on this forum who have tried Plan A with some measure of success. You can post Catnip, Fairy dust, and a few others. Read the posts for some insight into how others are coping or rising above their despair.<P>God Bless and LOves you<BR>Take care<BR>weep</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dear Weep,<P>Many thanks for your reply.It's nice to know that someone out there actually cares what is happening to me. I have several close friends to talk to and share with - but they are almost as shocked as I am!! It's hard on friends too!<P>Has anybody really had any success with Plan A? It all seems too masochistically painful to me... Please can anyone give me any pointers on this? How long is a realistic time span to continue Plan A if you see no results? When should you move to Plan B? I've read all the literature but there seems no time scale involved.<P>I've been looking through catnips postings- thanks for that tip.<P>Counselling is a good idea, but I'm afraid my H is kind of against that type of thing. He is typical German and I am English,and we live on a small island in Spain where good councillors are hard to come by! We tried councilling the month before I found out about the OW (by my instigation because he had become distant), and all through that he denied there was anyone else- any other suggestions?<BR> <BR>Again thanks a lot for taking the effort to console me during this mess.<P>Love Trish<BR>

Dear Trish,<P>There is a post on "This stuff doesn't work ... sorry" by Energizer_Bunny under General Questions II, sometime last week. It elicited 81 posts and the MB Plan A Superstars were out in Full Force. Look that through because it is a good debate on Plan A.<P>There is also Notable quotes by NSR. You can go to find and type in the name NSR and the title of the thread and you can get some pretty good threads and recommended readings there.<P>Your friends are great; my family wept when they heard. Still you can count on them to offer activities that keep your mind on other stuff besides the pain.<P>Keep posting<BR>God Bless You<BR>weep (how I hate this name but that is how I really feel at this time)

Trisha,<P>I am sorry that you have be here <P>I have found that sometimes counseling alone is very helpful, especially if the WS is not willing. It helps you get in touch with yourself, which effectively speeds your healing process. A counselor is not connected emotionally with you as with your friends - this offers a fresh view. <P>Thankfully, I already had a personal C session scheduled on my surprise D day! I guess - just perfect timing.<P>Keep the faith...the sun will shine again

Trisha,<P>Thank you for your post to my first "Just Found Out..." Recently, I have moved into the PlanA/PlanB forum with a new post. Life moves forward...<P>I think you will find the following recent response post by SKM to be the other side of the coin. Something we need to understand to begin to forgive WS.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/001108.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/001108.html</A> <P>I believe that they need to find themselves and we may not be able to help them. Although we must be very supportive, even though we are hurting. I continue to support and love W, despite receiving nothing in return More importantly we need to be good to ourselves! <P>Keep the faith...the sun will shine again <BR>