My Wife and I have been together for 9 years, and married for 4. We are very open very communacative, and very close. she recently went on a trip to Europe with her best friend (who is also married 5 or 6 years). While there, one night, they both ended up very Drunk and both made the same mistake, not until morning did they both realize what had happened and how bad the situation was. My wife told me as soon as she got home. We cried, but never was there any hurtful words. My wife can not understand what happened, nor can she forgive herself at all. She is extremely confused, and I am trying hard to be patient and encouraging. She has always had self-esteem issues, and this mistake sent her to rock bottom. <BR>I could use some encouragement.

longroad, <P>Let me offer you some information. In this site you will find NSR's welcome to new posters go there. Within his welcome he has bookmarked a lot of very useful information. Perhaps you and your W can read it.<P>Now some questions. What is your W confused about? How do you feel? What about her friend is she a mess or can she be of some help, since apparently they both had a one night stand? How long ago did this happen?<P>There are many more question, but as we get a clearer picture of what happend I am sure that you get some very valuable advice from the people here. Your W might even want to post. There are people here from both sides of the fence.<P>Keep posting and you will get responses.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

My wife is very confused on why, after being happy for 9 years she could let this happen. She feels like running away, like she can't deal with the guilt and the pain. Her freind is going through very similar emotions. This all took place in the beginning of August. My wife also feels like this whole incident has drastically changed her. she feels like besides the mistake, the rest of the trip showed her that there is a whole world out there for her to see. And she has been wasting her life in daily grind! She tells me that she loves me dearly, but I keep feeling like she just wants to be alone.<BR>and independent...I'm so very confused!!??

longroad,<P>Well, I hope you have taken time to read the information in NSR's post. This all is very new, and your W's response is to just run away. But you know and I know the daily grind occurs all over the world, not just in your house.<P>longroad, I realize you are hurting but now more than ever you need to work with your W. Get some counseling and allow time and patience to work its magic. Plan A your W, although she really doesn't have an OM. Reevaluate yourself and your marriage and make the changes you think were driving you apart.<P>Also read SKM's posts, I think she articulates pretty well what people go through when they have failed their marriages , their H's and most of all themselves.<P>You could encourage your W to come here. It is not uncommon for H and W to post here. But most of all keep posting and reading. You will get some good advice.<P>Hang in there and God Bless,<P>JL

Welcome <B>longroad</B>...<P>Having my name pop up twice means I have to respond... <P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>It sounds like a new player needs to enter your picture...<BR>...I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>It helps to get a gentle push from someone who can look at your picture from afar.<P>Do <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...and get the mechnics from <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>...<P> <P>Jim

My wife just told me that after she returned from her vacation, she had sent a letter to the OM, she said she wanted to aplogize to him for her actions, and that she does not normally act that way, she also wanted to inform him that she is disease free. My problem is that, We had a fight in regards to her keeping his address, It hurts me to know that she wants to hold onto the address. Is she wrong or am I?!? I feel very betrayed.<BR>Any new advise...<BR>P.S. she goes to see a local counselor on Wed.

{longroad}...<P>Feelings are never wrong!<P>Your <B>hurt</B> (about the address) is a reasonable reaction... and subsequent "feeling" you have.<P>How you resolve a onflict that the "feeling" brings about is a different matter!<P>Gettin gyour W into MB counseling...<BR>...and learning <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>... is a good step.<P>The book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank> "Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>... is the best in explaining <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>!<P> <P>Jim<P>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited September 11, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited September 11, 2000).]

Longroad,<P>Something does not smell right here. This<BR>guy takes advantage of her while she is<BR>drunk. She then comes home and writes him<BR>a little aplogizing for acting this way<BR>and informs him that she is disease free<BR>and keeps his address.<P>I would be very worried that she did not<BR>tell you the entire truth. It would seem<BR>to me that she would have been very angry<BR>with this man for taking advantage of her.<BR>I hate to tell you this but I think she wants<BR>to remain in contact with man. I do not believe she told you the entire truth of what<BR>really happen. I am afraid this is far from<BR>over for you. It sounds like she does not want this "affair" to end. I think you need<BR>her to tell you the real truth but I do not<BR>think you will like it. Good luck

Since the begining, my wife has told me every detail of what happened that night. She has never lied to me...And she has told me some messed-up things in the last 9 years!! I think she is holding on to this as some token of the independence she felt in Europe. I dunno. also her friend had the same situation happen,(same night) she also wrote a letter to the OM. I guess I'm just praying that with counsuling things begin to improve.

..."I think she is holding on to this<BR>as some token of the independence she<BR>felt in Europe".<P>I am afraid Longroad that you must be <BR>in denial. Why would a woman who supposely was drunk and taken advantage sexually and supposedly felt great remorse wish<BR>to hold on to this and see it as a token<BR>of independence? The need to write to this<BR>guy and tell him she is disease free and<BR>she was sorry simply does not make sense.<BR>She should have great anger towards him.<P>If she really sees this as a form of <BR>independence, you are going to have some<BR>real problems and pain in the future. <BR>Longroad, something does not seem right with<BR>this. Did your wife's girlfriend write back<BR>to the guy she had sex with in Europe? I bet<BR>the answer is no. I think your wife has real<BR>feelings for this man. This is the only<BR>thing that would explain her actions and <BR>staying in contact with him. I think you need<BR>to get to the bottom of this and you being<BR>in denial will not help. Good luck Longroad.

Will it help if you speak casually to her friend about 'how the Europe trip went?', and see what the friend has to say? You have to be alert that the friend may have the same story, so it may or may not help.<P>I also feel uncomfortable about the contact with the man. Either she egged him on when she was drunk or it didn't really go the way it was told? I mean, you should feel disgust at a man who violated you when you were drunk and to do so without protection! Then you get the man to give you his address? Now you have some health screening and you want him to know he didn't pass you any STDs?<P>It doesn't really seem very straightforward. Your love for your wife is sufficient to see you through this very tough patch, but you need to recognise where she is coming from and have a good talk with her. <P>As I reread your posts, I feel that you do have a problem believing what she says this time. You need to face the fact that she had an affair and that the marriage is somewhat different. In order to restore the marriage into a commitment, both of you have to work towards it. You need to be astute and quick about what her plans are. You have to ask calmly and show that you are no fool.<P>I had to reach a level of such quick thinking and shrewdness (through coaching) because I was the 'he can't be that bad. But he said he wouldn't do such a thing. He said it was not sex, it was no better than masturbation this sexual intercourse', etc. I mean, how kind, how naive, how easily persuaded I was.<P>The fact that the chinless banshee looser than nymphomaniac (OW) spent some nights in the lockup for kniving my WS after a two year affair didn't make his affair any more right than if it ended well.<P>In order to move on, you need to face the obstacles that your wife may put in your path, and work with her from there. <P>God Bless and LOves you<BR>Take care<BR>weep

This past week my wife went to her first therapy session. They discussed her very troubled past as a child up through her teens. ie. abuse, zero parental support etc.<BR>I hoping this is the start of a stronger relationship for us. After that first visit my wife had the smile on her face that I haven't seen since before this all began. I pray many more to come.