Well I found out I just couldnt do it - couldn't be the OW. PHEW what a relief (in a way)!!<P>Typical story, co-workers, he married-me divorced(many yrs ago) friendship grew until one day he revealed he had fallen in love with me. We would go to lunch, take breaks etc.. great friendship. He had offered and had been doing nice things for me - little repair work at my car/house etc. I didnt think much of this because for some odd reason, most of the men I know feel some inclination to "watch-out" for me; my old high-school/college friends, married themselves are always checking to be sure me and my sons are ok etc.. (I'm still single)Nothing more/less. I have MANY male friends who have nothing more in mind than my friendship. I digress.....<P>Well I began to feel an attraction as well at some point and NEVER said a thing cuz i believe in karma; I'm alive because of karma. Each time he said he'd like to date me I said 'work on your marriage' He never sold me the typical BS lines I have heard about except for the "I know she isnt right for me and should never have married her".<P>Tonight we met to discuss our situation.I was going to tell him to work on his marriage, try it for a year or 2 and then, if fate decrees, we can try to have a go at it. I began to relate the story of my divorce, how my X w/drew and left a void which I filled with friends, work etc until one day, we decided to get the big D. When I touched upon "filling a void" he got up and said he didnt want to discuss this, that I was not a void and why couldnt I understand that he would leave her for me. I asked him to stay and talk to me but he just walked on out. And I let him. <P>I let him because this is my sign that this is wrong, that karma and fate and destiny and faith appear to make you see the true light if only you are open to seeing it!! I saw it! <P>Kat<p>[This message has been edited by Katanya (edited September 07, 2000).]

Kat, I hope you stay strong and not give in to this temptation. You are doing the right thing but lacking one step. You need to cut off communication with this man. If you continue you will only be tempting him and he will not work on his marriage while he is in contact with you.<P>If you truly feel he needs to work on his marriage and you don't want to be an OW then get out of his life. Back up your words with actions. Be the bigger person. He needs to focus on his marriage and can not do so with you in his life. Give his wife and their marriage a fighting chance. Get out and cut him off. He won't have the strength unless you do so. I beg you. Don't bring another wounded soul to this board. There's enough of us here already. PLEASE!<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Thanks for the reply.<P>I came not for kudos to my morals and strenght and resolve but rather, to re-affirm that I was doing the right thing! I sought out boards/sites such as this to not only hear the stories and perhaps relate mine (tho from the Almost OW point) but to gain more strength and insight for myself.<P>In the end, it comes down to EN NOT being met that cause people to stray most of the time (abuse both physical/mental are in there too). Having come from my own situation of divorce, I can see the signs of EN in him and know he needs to work on that with his W and not me. <P>So this is a bit cathartic as well as a bit of advice giving. If just one party is not emotionally in the marriage, the other will stray eventually. I have no contact with this man now and he has not contacted me. (I hope he's talking with his W now!) I took a promotion that was offered weeks ago for another site. We will not even be working together anymore.<P>I gather my strength mostly from the moral fibre I almost forgot about, from the fact that I deserver better (no repeats of my XH thank-you very much), his W deserves better and so does he - running away solves nothing (a new toy eventually becomes dull) and from the proof-positive that for him, I was a happy go-lucky "void filler" - until my clarity and reality presented to him the other side of fun. <P>So when your H/W's turn to you for a little comfort, a shoulder to cry on, a hug for no reason other than just cuz, a hold of the hand, a warm smile, a bit of conversation that may seem stupid and pointless to you, a cup of coffee already made for you in the am etc and so on; remember, to you these may seem small and inconsequential but they could mean the difference between a happy marriage and the entrance of an OW/OM. My best wishes and prayers to you all!<P>Kat

Kat, I am so proud of you and glad you are here. If everyone thought as you did and had the strength and morals you do this world would be a better place. I know you did not come here for kudos but you're getting them from me anyway. Educate the others. Your words of wisdom are highly needed. Thank you for that man's wife. And for all of us BS here. Take Care.<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Hello again. I'm in a quandry here and hope some kind words can be found. I have had no contact at all, having moved to a different work location. I remain firm in my convictions that no-contact is best for him. Trouble is my friend has continued to try to contact me. <P>He has left me several VM and email saying he's lonley and has no one to have deep discussions with or share his feelings etc with. He wonders why can't I continue to maintain our friendship, he needs my friendship to feel good, to feel alive, to at least have an intelligent conversation with another human. He is not acting in a "stalker" like manner but I can hear the pain and lonliness in his voice. I will not/cannot do anything about it. Because to lend an ear might make him feel I will engage in a EA with him. I don't think he can be a friend at this stage without going into "lala land" and making more than I will ever give.<P>I am at the point where I want to talk to his wife! I want to clue her in on the fact that her marriage is slipping away and she MUST talk to him. She must put forth an effort to rebuild their friendship because he WILL wind up having an (EA) affair if she doesn't act! When my marriage ended years ago, my X and I walked away knowing we had given it 2 years and had done all we possibly could at the time. I wish they would just talk so that if anything, they walk away knowing they TRIED!<P>Is this something I should do? How would I do this? Could I do this in a way so as not to reveal what he has told me? He was a great friend until he revealed his "crush" and I feel some guilt for ignoring him; it is very hard for me to say no to people when they ask for advice or a shoulder to lean on. <P>Thank you very much again!

Me again. If I were the wife I would DEFINATELY want to know. From my point of view this was going to be my suggestion before you even said it. I'm the kind of person who wants to know all the facts so that I can base a decision or live my life in reality. Not protected from the truth.<P>Be aware that this might anger this man and he may end up resenting you. However I feel this shouldn't be your concern. It's obvious he won't be man enough to go to his wife and tell her so you will have to do it for him. Make sure he's aware that you are doing this because of his continued attempts at contacting you. So he can carry some of the blame.<P>I'm sure if he works this hard at his marriage with his wife that some day he'll be calling you thanking you for doing so. Good luck. Let us know how it goes. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"