I have "just found out" that my H has fallen in love with a former co-worker. He says that there has been no sexual relationship, just a good friendship that has gone too far. This was brought to my attention by her XH with some faxes of cards, etc signed with "I love you" Very painful! Our marriage needs a lot of work in many areas, and I am very eager to get started on rebuilding, but he has not yet put an end to the relationship. This is a distance relationship, only by phone as far as I know at this point. How long should I wait before I begin to make plans to leave? We have 3 children whom I teach at home,which means that I have no income to support us without him. He says that the last thing he wants to happen is for our marriage and family to be torn apart, and that he still loves me, but won't take the first step! Help!

Dear SM,<P>Do you want to leave? If you don't want to, don't make plans for it. He says he doesn't want the marriage torn apart and that he still loves you. That's good news! <P>Start by reading through the Basic Concepts on this web site. And read as many postings as you can that seem applicable to you. Read, read, read. Ask questions. Read some more.<P>Just DON'T make any life-changing decisions right now! Give the dust time to settle. <P>In the meantime, try to be as calm as possible with your H until you read about Plan A and how to administer it. One person *can* save their marriage -- don't give up just yet.<P>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn<P>

KA,<P> Good morning! Thank you for your reply and your advise. I know that my posting sounded irrationsl, maybe I am a bit irrational right now! I found out about the R (relationship) just 2 weeks ago today. It feels like it's been forever! My world has been rocked from the bottom up. You are right, of course. I know that I should not make any moves just now. I don't want to leave, but the atmosphere is so awful here that I'm so afraid my children will notice something is wrong. They are very blessed to have a set of parents that know how important family is. We have always been strong Christians, so this has been a real shock! There were plenty of signals, I just chose to stick my head in the sand, I guess.<P> I have read about Plan A, and will read more. I have spent most of my sleepless nights right here, and will continue to do so, I'm sure. So far, I have learned so much, including that I'm not the only ones with the problems we've faced. But I know we can rebuild,we just have to get started. Have you ever used the phone consult with Dr. Harvey? Any info would help!<P> SM

Dear SM,<P>Yes, I have had one phone counseling session with Steve and I would highly recommend it. If your H is willing, try to have him to participate as well. He can give you things to work on together so you can rebuild your marriage. <P>It's far from hopeless. At least he is still at home and says he still loves you. Many of us here are trying to restore marriages without as much as that to go on. Work on finding forgivemess in your heart for your H and let him know that you love him and want to save your marriage. <P>As far as the kids, just do your best to put on a happy face for them. How old are they? They may see that mommy and daddy aren't very happy right now, but just think about the message they will have for their own futures if mommy and daddy rebuild and live happily ever after. <P>And since you are both Christians, by all means, take it to the Lord in prayer! Pray *together* if your H will do that. God is awesome and you know that it is His will that your marriage be healed.<P>I'm only about 5 weeks from D-day, so I know how painful it is especially right at first. My H has moved out and he usually only contacts me about once a week to pick up his mail. It hurts terribly -- and tomorrow is our anniversary.<P>Say a prayer for me while you're on your knees and I will do the same for you. <P>Love and prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

Welcome <B>SimplyMe</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on Plan A...<BR>...check out the mechanics at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>After you check out the links from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post...<BR>...and understand those key consepts...<BR>...since you are Christians... also check out...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000288.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Concepts in Christian Scripture</A>.<P>Do... start MB telephone counseling!!!<P>Prayers... <P>Jim

Thankyou, KA and Jim! I just need to know that there are others out there that understand. One of the letters that I have read here says that the wife has lots of friends for support, but they are in shock, too! I know what she means! I WILL pray for you, KA, and I do pray a lot, so if you want me to get specific, let me know. You're right, it is in God's hands. I'm so thankful for that! Praying together is right at the top of my list. We need to feel that closeness with God and each other!<P> Thanks, Jim, for the christian board advice, I had missed that! It's very important in my life. <P> The happy face for the kids is a go. We've just spent a good morning at the soccer field, with more to come. I do love my H, and I have forgiven him, but it's hard to stick to that without any movement on his part. Any suggestions on how to get him to tie in for the phone consultation? I know that will help! I'm going now to check out your recommendations! Thankyou!

Hey SM,<P>You sound so much better! <P>As far as the phone consult, try just letting your H know that you have found a great source for marriage counseling by phone and would he please just give it a try? Once you get a response from an honest question, at least you'll have more information from him to work with. If he says no, do it yourself and Steve can give you some ideas for possibly coaxing him to participate. If he say okay, even better.<P>You're doing great! How's the Plan A going?<P>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn

KA,<P> Thanks for the encouragment! I needed it right now! My H is currently at home, and in a major search for a new job. He left a very high level job about 6 months ago, and had a really good contract with them where they paid him for 6 months. Guess what? He hasn't replaced the job yet, and the money has run out! I suspect that one of the reasons that he left his position was the OW. Not for good reasons, though! I think it was so that he could see her more freely without worrying about being detected. I know he never expected to have this much trouble finding a new job! I have a feeling that God is dealing with him about the whole mess. Not just that I know, but, in a dream, I was told that He would not bless my H with a good job until he began to work on our marriage. I have told him about it, but I'm not sure he's buying it!<P> Right now, he's run out to do some errands, and taken his secret cell phone (which isn't such a secret anymore) with him, so I have to assume that he's calling her. He has never called from our phones, so it's got to be the case! <P> He's coming in, and expecting a call about a job in just a few minutes, so I'll get back later!<P> Thanks, again! You have managed to be a bright spot in my day! I'm praying for you! I read a post in the womens Bible study from you, so I can pray with a few more specific requests!<P> SM

SM,<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How long should I wait before I begin to make plans to leave?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>DON'T LEAVE!<BR>Don't make plans to leave.<P>Read, read, read everything here. Don't make any snap decisions.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Chris,<P> Thanks! I needed that one, too! I know that I'll enjoy your website. I didn't get a chance yet to go to many of the links, but they all look good. I think that one of the reasons that I want to DO something is that I have been so blind for so long! After looking back, I think this has been going on for about 2 or 2 1/2 years! I just feel like a fool! I am definatley reading everything I get my hands and eyes on. Of course, there are so many different ideas on how to deal with these things, that it can be very confusing! <P> Plan A is helpful, but I need to improve my own communication skills. I just don't think my H realizes that there is no in between here! He says he loves me, and his cards say that he loves her. He hasn't made a move to break off the R, and I'm just frustrated! The man that I thought I knew just doesn't occupy the body that he used to! Where did he go? And how can I get him back? Lot's of questions, and now I need to find the answers! I thank you very much. You folks are great, especially since I know that you are either going through something similar, or have gone through it, and are willing to share your experience with those of us who, unfortunately, find ourselves here!<P> God Bless, SM