Or at least I feel like one.<P>1)Husband has an affair.<BR>2)I say lets work on it. He says O.K.<BR>3)He slips up lots(backslides,contacts,considers leaving for her...)<BR>4)I say lets work on us.<BR>5)She finally calls it off.<BR>6)He continues to try and contact.<BR>7)She says no.<BR>8)I say lets work on us.<BR>9)He says I am not sure I want "us" anymore.<P>So should I just get a big capital letter L on my forehead because that is exactly how I feel right now.<P>Yes I know. Whine, whine, whine...vent, vent, vent!<BR>I still feel like a 1st class loser.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Nicole, you are <B> not </B> the loser here! You're the winner, actually. You have done everything to sustain your marriage, even when Arik floundered and continues to. Too many people are willing to give up quickly on the marriage, and you aren't, which makes you one very strong lady, whatever the outcome (which will most likely be him coming back, if you accept him!)<P>Don't ever beat yourself up like this, you are one special person, and you can be proud of yourself knowing that you are handling this painful situation so well.

Nicole,<BR>You are not a loser. You are a very hurt, loving wife. You have done nothing to feel that you are a loser. The only thing you have done is be there for your husband and family. How does that make you a loser? <P>As I have said before, patience is NOT one of my virtues, but that seems to be the clue to this mystery. <P>Keep pluggin' along. <P><P>------------------<BR>God Bless you and yours,<P>Sheryl W.<P>www.widesmiles.org/gallery/britanie<BR>

Maybe I'm not a complete loser but I still feel like a doormat. Sorry guys it's just been one of those days.<BR>Reason#<BR>10)On top of all this I miss him like he** and still want to be married to him.<BR>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited December 09, 1999).]

YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!!!<P>My self-esteem is all I have somedays. I too love my S, and am planning on endureing an @ssload of pain to prove to her that I am the better choice.<P>This stinks and people will think I'm a doormat, I know I am not. I am a man willing to walk through fire for his wife and marriage. That makes me a WINNER.<P>If you can identify with that that makes you a WINNER too.<P>Keep your head up, you are not the one making bad choices.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Ditto William J,<P>There are no losers born here. Someone has to fight. That's you. Believe in the power of Love. YOU are the best thing that happened to your marriage right now - fight to keep your partner in life. Fight like hell, and remember - NO OBSTACLES.

nicole,<P>This is really hard on you. But Arik is waffling and manyof us have had to experience that. Also, others have their wayward spouse home (I do not) and have to deal with slip-ups and set-backs.<P>Keep the faith. As long as you aren't actively heading down the divorce trail, there is still hope. Remember this: a decision not to get divorced is a decision to stay married! My H mentioned D twice to me 7 1/2 weeks ago and has done NOTHING yet to see about getting one. <P>Do try to keep the faith, Nicole!!!!!<P>Thinking of you too, Arik, if you are lurking...<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

You feel like a loser but you're not. Look at it this way: A weak person would have given up on their marriage, but it takes a strong person to stand like you are. You may not feel strong, but that's just what you are. You'll see that later on, when you look back. <P>Smile........tomorrow is Friday!

Thanks guys, I don't know what is wrong with me. I have so much to be happy about. Friends, 3 darling children, supportive family, and yet this one thing is causing me to feel like I am nothing. <BR>Why isn't my love enough?<BR>Can't he see that I am doing what it takes?<BR>What does it take?<BR>God, I am such a basket case right now!!!<BR>Sorry guys, I wish I felt better but I just don't.<BR>Maybe I'll just watch a sappy movie and drink a huge mug of hot chocolate.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

You're not a loser, Nicole. You got signed on to the worst ride in the world and you've been hanging on and giving it all you've got.<P>That makes you pretty special as far as I'm concerned.<P>It's one of those bad nights. Watch the movie and drink the cocoa. And know that you're a wonderful person for doing what you're doing.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{Nicole}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori

Thanks Lori,<P> T am feeling a bit better tody. Those cyber hugs help. Just wish I could feel worth loving agaian.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Nicole, <BR>What you are experiencing is what many of of here have gone through. It is not easy, feels just awful, tends to make us question ourselves and really drains our self esteem. But know that you are truly the strong one here. Erik will somday soon realize what a special woman you are and then you will be there ready to make your marriage the best it can be. It can be a long, painful process. But the rewards are worth it. A family for your children, a man you have history aand can rebuild love with, and the satisfaction that your marriage can survive. <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

I just don't think Arik will ever see that. He doesn't seem to want to at this point and that makes me feel like my love, our marriage, and even I will never measure up.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Patient Love,<P>You are certainly not a loser! I'm not necessarily recommending this but I can tell you it worked for my wife. My wife is a very patient long-suffering woman. When I told her of my affair she told me first that she still loved me and wanted us to see a counselor immediately. Next, she grabbed a little toy guitar and threw it across the room and it smashed against the wall into pieces. Then, she quietly picked up my $3,000 guitar and pulled it back as if to hit me in the head. I was weeping, partly out of fear for myself and the guitar. She stuck her finger towards my face and said that contact better stop and stop now or I could find another place to live. She told me if it was not for the children I would be on the street. I'm not saying you have to be violent but I think there does come a time when the hurt party, in love, needs to tell the unfaithful partner that they will no longer take their crap! Let him know that your marriage is the most important thing to you but that this waffling will not be tolerated! This is just my opinion. It certainly scared me to death when it finally dawned on me that I was in the process of loosing everything dear to me. <BR>

Nicole,<P>You are giving yourself the solution to feeling better: focus on your friends, 3 darling children and your supportive family. Try in every way that you can to put the situation with Arik out of your mind. Believe me, this is so HARD to do and I personally am struggling with this myself. But, we have to keep trying.<P>Another coping mechanism - believe NOTHING Arik is saying right now - good or bad. he has NO IDEA what he wants and it changes from minute to minute. These 4 or so days away from you are not likely to have been long enough for him to sort it all out just yet. Sorry, but true....<P>This is a mightily long, drawn out process. Keep being loving and understand he really IS mentally not himself right now. Do the best you can for yourself and your children. Arik will have to find his own way and unfortunately, on his own time schedule.<P>I really understand how you feel, as I am there, too. Thinking loving thoughts of you and your children....<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Patient Love: The feeling will pass. I know this because I am feeling low right now. I hear you and others trying to save your marriages from the betrayed point of view. I am on the other side of the coin. I am a betrayer trying to save my marriage with the person I know I should be with. Today has been discouraging though. Kissing someone who does not kiss you back. BUT, I am doing my best to hang tough. You too, must hang tough. I can't predict what your spouse will do. He is obviously going through a rough time as well. I am just so sorry that you're the one receiving the painful brunt of his problems. <BR>You can, however, take care of yourself. And, as someone said earlier, stop beating yourself up. We have got to stick together and help each other get through the pain, the stress, the feelings of lack of self worth because (strong language)WE ARE IMPORTANT AND WORTHY OF LOVE AND CARE. As far as the whining goes, don't worry about it. I am a good sounding board. I do alot of whining, venting, repeating myself. As much as we would like it to be, pain does not go away with the snap of the fingers. It takes time and talking it out to find that road to happiness. My love to you

Thanks so much all of you. I know in my head that I am worth something. I am a good, loving person who places the needs of others around her first. Sometimes my feelings get the better of me and I lose control over all of it.<BR>It just hurts me so much that while he was away he hasn't called. I requested that he not call much but not never. The OW asked him not to call and he couldn't stop himself. But to call me and the kids doesn't even occur to him. Here I go again with the pity party, sorry.<BR>Did a lot of baking today...anyone up for a brownie?<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Just hang on, Honey. Baking, Huh? So many of us are cooking our little butts off, I think we oughta start a club!!! I started pulling all my recipes together today and don't have anyone to feed for Christmas!! Maybe I'll gain some weight back.<P>Remember, you're early in this game. It could get rough (I know, I know, it is already!). But you'll be ok. You're loving and patient and you'll be fine.<P>Love a brownie, thanks. Craving chocolate. Craving a lot of stuff, but hey - chocolate'll do!!!<P>Talk with you later. You have my e-mail. Use it any time!<P>Lori

Lori,<BR>LOL,<BR>I know what you really crave but how 'bout a butter tart, nanaimo bar, raspberry cheesecake square, caramel bar, shortbread, lemon bar, fudge, chocolate chip cookies...like I said I did a lot of baking today(a bit yesterday as well).<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

My stars, Nicole, if all that baking can relieve frustrations, I'm heating up the oven NOW!!<P> <P>Lori