(This is my first time to tell anyone this so please bear with me as I spill my emotions onto anyone who will listen...thanks)<P>We have been married for nearly 6 years. I kinda thought something was going wrong but never would of thought it was this. 5 months ago hubby had an affair. He finally came clean after one night i thought i would try to trick him. I told him I knew, I saw them, People had seen them, I was leaving. I never thought he would of believed me. I just wanted to hear him deny it. (That made me feel secure) Well I just packed up the boys and left. came back 8 hours later to try to talk about it. For some odd reason I want to know everything: What did she look like (19 years old, college girl, long black hair, brown eyes, NO STRECH MARKS) I wanted to know where he met her (At a conveient store - meet then 3 days later ended up in a hotel) Maybe I could understand if it just happened but it took him 3 days to think about what he would be doing, and me nor the boys ever came to his mind i guess. Well he says it was just that once. I want to believe him. I want to love him. I do love him. how can i tell if he is still lying to me? Do I really want to know any more than what he has already told me? I just want to know if she made him happy if he smiled. What about her made him want to chance loosing me and the boys? He tells me I have nothing to worry about He found out how much I meant to him when I walked out the door. How can I trust him? I check up on him all the time. I want this marriage to work, but I keep giving him chances to tell me if he had lyed to me. I tell him I would be able to handle it better if I knew it know (If it was more than once and so on) the day they went to a hotel they met in a parking lot, and she road with him. (Which I believe it was going on longer than that and they did not just meet, he picked her up somewhere) He told me when he dropped her off he told her it was over...... i want to believe him. I told him I had a friend that worked in the store that could get me the video tape of the parking lot.(Which I cant, but I want him to show me he is not lying.) So when he comes home tonight I got a video tape and I am going to tell him "You have one more chance to tell me if you met her in that parking lot, and so on, or I will watch this tape, see her, see how you acted and so on) If he comes clean, (I guess I want to know if I can trust him, if he says he did meet her there and it was nothing special then I guess with the evidence he thinks I have I can trust him, If he blows up..... I dont know....<BR>I dont know how to deal with this pain. I never thought we would ever go though this... ever. I was so happy. I just need alittle advise on how to handle this and maybe to quit making up the stories to try to find out who she is. Is it wrong for me to want to know what she looked like, how she acted or if she was just a plain WHORE?<P>For the past two weeks our marriage has been wonderful, he has changed. I just want it to stay like this forever, but the pain and memories to go away. Can Joy make these pains go away? What is the best way to try not to think of this and bring it up.... I know as long as I bring it up to him, the longer it is going to take us to work though this. Any advicewill help.<p>[This message has been edited by sunflower76 (edited September 16, 2000).]

Welcome <B>sunflower76</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>I think the attempts your making to "trick" your H into "confessing" may backfire some day.<P>The MB principles...which you can find starting in my <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post...<BR>Go against this form of dishonesty.<P>You already know about the affair...<BR>Give it time for the details...<P>Change your mode of operation to be in line with what we call <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...check out some more about it in ===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Do get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... and read it!<P>For him to know about how serious you are about the marriage... I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>To help you... yourself... heal... consider a few link/books/post...<P><B>Web sites..</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P><B>Books...</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><P><B>Links to posts...</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000076.html" TARGET=_blank>Can I forgive?????</A>…..indy032…..1/31/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003319.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness.....</A>…..just_me…..6/5/2000<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006615.html" TARGET=_blank>How to rebuild my spouse's trust?</A>…..redman…..8/23/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000274.html" TARGET=_blank>Things my husband did to rebuild trust</A>…..HGBrawner…..3/17/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002831.html" TARGET=_blank>on knowing the "truth" </A>…..loveWASblind=lWb/popeye…..5/9/2000<P>Your <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I just want it to stay like this forever...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...is off the mark! Marriage... requires work by both H and W. If you just sit back... and expect everything to just work itself out... <BR>...it won't! Marriage requires a life time of loving work. Check out the links here to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>.<P>Stay here and ask for more help...<P>Do remember that weekends and holidays are very slow on the forums.<P>You are not alone!<P> <P>Jim

Thank you Jim,<BR>Last night after I wrote about my problems, I reread them and it sounded so childish for me to try anything to get the truth. I just want him to be honest with me. I want him to feel the hurt and pain that I do. I just have all these feelings all bottled up inside and I just need to get it out. We talked last night and I think It did some good. I just told him that for me to move forward I needed his help. He is willing to help me though this, just not answer all my questions. He has never blamed me for what he has done, but if there was something lacking in our marriage I would like to know, so I can fix it. We have never had a problem in the bedroom... atleast that was what I thought. I hope time will help me thought this. Thank you very much for your reply... you gave me some hope!

sunflower,<P>Honesty comes very hard from a WS... <P>Desires like "I want him to feel the hurt and pain that I do"... are counter-productive to a good <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>Follow some of the "forgiveness" links...<BR>...and check out the library for some of those books too.<P>Part of the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... is finding out each other's <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>. You may want to follow the links...<BR>...and sometime printoff the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>.<P>Yes... your H's help is beneficial... but to say "...for me to move forward I needed his help"... isn't always the case. You need to first address you!<P>There is hope! <P> <P>Jim

A book you MUST read is "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. It has helped me and my H immensly. <BR>The way your husband can help you through this IS to answer ALL your questions. <BR>The pain won't go away quickly - trust me, but it will be easier to cope with in time. Definitely find the book I have suggested and BOTH read it.<BR>Take care and good luck.

Sunflower,<P>It is natural to wonder what do we lack that caused our husband's to have affair? You would be surprised to find out you are OK.<P>You are blessed to see and feel the change after the event. We look at the past episodes of the affair and feel the sting of betrayal.<P>The more you focus on the fact that he is participating in the present state of joy, the more the pain will diminish. Yes, memories will creep in from time to time, but remember God won't put more on you than you are able to bear.<P>Keep your focus on maintaining your present state of joy.<P>God bless!<P><BR>------------------<BR>Love hurts no one.<P>[This message has been edited by AGoodPhrend (edited September 19, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodPhrend (edited September 19, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by sunflower76:<BR><B>(This is my first time to tell anyone this so please bear with me as I spill my emotions onto anyone who will listen...thanks)<P>We have been married for nearly 6 years. I kinda thought something was going wrong but never would of thought it was this. 5 months ago hubby had an affair. He finally came clean after one night i thought i would try to trick him. I told him I knew, I saw them, People had seen them, I was leaving. I never thought he would of believed me. I just wanted to hear him deny it. (That made me feel secure) Well I just packed up the boys and left. came back 8 hours later to try to talk about it. For some odd reason I want to know everything: What did she look like (19 years old, college girl, long black hair, brown eyes, NO STRECH MARKS) I wanted to know where he met her (At a conveient store - meet then 3 days later ended up in a hotel) Maybe I could understand if it just happened but it took him 3 days to think about what he would be doing, and me nor the boys ever came to his mind i guess. Well he says it was just that once. I want to believe him. I want to love him. I do love him. how can i tell if he is still lying to me? Do I really want to know any more than what he has already told me? I just want to know if she made him happy if he smiled. What about her made him want to chance loosing me and the boys? He tells me I have nothing to worry about He found out how much I meant to him when I walked out the door. How can I trust him? I check up on him all the time. I want this marriage to work, but I keep giving him chances to tell me if he had lyed to me. I tell him I would be able to handle it better if I knew it know (If it was more than once and so on) the day they went to a hotel they met in a parking lot, and she road with him. (Which I believe it was going on longer than that and they did not just meet, he picked her up somewhere) He told me when he dropped her off he told her it was over...... i want to believe him. I told him I had a friend that worked in the store that could get me the video tape of the parking lot.(Which I cant, but I want him to show me he is not lying.) So when he comes home tonight I got a video tape and I am going to tell him "You have one more chance to tell me if you met her in that parking lot, and so on, or I will watch this tape, see her, see how you acted and so on) If he comes clean, (I guess I want to know if I can trust him, if he says he did meet her there and it was nothing special then I guess with the evidence he thinks I have I can trust him, If he blows up..... I dont know....<BR>I dont know how to deal with this pain. I never thought we would ever go though this... ever. I was so happy. I just need alittle advise on how to handle this and maybe to quit making up the stories to try to find out who she is. Is it wrong for me to want to know what she looked like, how she acted or if she was just a plain WHORE?<P>For the past two weeks our marriage has been wonderful, he has changed. I just want it to stay like this forever, but the pain and memories to go away. Can Joy make these pains go away? What is the best way to try not to think of this and bring it up.... I know as long as I bring it up to him, the longer it is going to take us to work though this. Any advicewill help.<P>[This message has been edited by sunflower76 (edited September 16, 2000).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think you should stop with the stories. The fact that he was unfaithful is all you need to know. The more information you have the more you have to dwell on.......YOU don't need that. You should concentrate on his apology and on your current happiness. Think of the best of times and that he chose his family. It's not easy, but love is worth swallowing pride. Good-luck<P>