My wife seems to have some sort of Internet addiction. I caught her in the sex chats a while back and even though she never told me the complete truth, I forgave her. I love her so much and basically do whatever she wants.<BR> <BR> Anyway, I started monitoring her chats, etc (IAMBIGBROTHER is great software, BTW) and she's been lying to me about online releationships as well as lying to the other parties. I kept asking her to be truthful and even gave her plenty of outs. I'd forgive her if she was truthful. Well now an old boyfriend has moved back in town. She told me she felt like things were never resolved between them. I told her that I trusted her to talk to him. She said she loved me and wouldn't cheat on me. To make a long story short, they've planned (over im) to meet this weekend while I'll be in a class and are planning on having sex. What do I do? Do I confront her now or do I wait and let her do it, maybe get some photos I might need later for evidence and then confront her? The bad thing is that I'm still very attracted to her and love her very much. I do get naucious thinking about her having sex with him. I don't know if I'll ever want to touch her again after it happens. That's why I wonder if I should stop it before it happens. But will it not just happen at a later date? Oh, he's married and has a son like us. I don't want to be seperated from my son even though he's not actually my biological son. She also never let me adopt him. That worries me too. I found his house today so I'm ready for the sneaky plan.<P> I only have a couple of days to get reay so please help me decide what to do.<P>Thanks,<BR>hurtinNC

If they connect physically the bond will be much stronger, and it will be easier for her to do it each time it happens......

I agree - the bond will be stronger...why let her do this to you? The pain will be awful - confront her before it happens...As a BS, believe me, it is very painful, and the pictures are hard to deal with! Do yourself a favor and don't allow it to happen.

Welcome <B>hurtinNC</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>I am so sorry for you!<P>About advice...<P>To give your W every chance to come clean...<BR>...you must bring up what you know to her.<P>It doesn't matter how you found out!<BR>But what does matter is how you handle you telling her about what you know and then, even more so, how you handle her reaction.<P>You must be loving to her!<BR>No yelling, screaming, etc!<P>You must admit to whatever problems you've contributed to in your marriage...<BR>...and let her know, in the most loving way possible, you wish to work on this marriage!<P>Read all you can here about <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...and check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>!<P>Learn to <B>not</B> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bust</A>!<P>By confronting (lovingly) you are being honest with her...<BR>...and lay the choice at her feet!<BR>Your honesty needs to fall in line with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3903_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Rule of Honesty:</A>... one of the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html" TARGET=_blank>The Four Rules for a Successful Marriage</A>!<P>You have to do it soon....<BR>...and please...<BR>...<B>no</B> "sneeky plans"!<P>She may make the wrong choice!!!<BR>...whether or not she does...<BR>...stay here for support!<P> <P>Jim

Thanks for the prompt reply. Yes, I realize that the bond could grow stronger but what if it just makes them more cautious in their meetings. Of course, if they get away with it they'll probably also continue. I guess I'm hoping she won't go through with it. I know he will if given the chance and I think she will too. I guess the other question I need advice on is whether or not I should tell his wife. I don't even know her but if somebody knew about my wife, I'd want to know. This really hurts and is very confusing. I don't know what to do. Help?????<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by snooperhubby:<BR><B>If they connect physically the bond will be much stronger, and it will be easier for her to do it each time it happens......</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

hurtinNC,<P>Don't allow it. If you know about it and then allow it to happen how will you be able to stand up to her later? You will have permitted it, without even trying to stop it.<P>hurtinNC, you may love your W, but you know you cannot trust her right now. If she is in sex chat rooms and is making plans for sex on the first encounter with exBF, there are some definite unmet needs and personal issues with this woman.<P>Let her know that you know about exBF and plans for sex. Yes, they will get sneaker, but it just may deter exBF, if he values his marriage. It is clear your W, doesn't seem to have that motivation, <B> OR </B> maybe it will. You won't know until you are honest with her.<P>Honesty, hurtinNC is the best way to go.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

{hurtinNC}...<P>Your question about "should you tell the W of the OM of the affair?"...<BR>...is one of the hardest questions....<P>In most cases your telling the OM's W will be construed by your W as a major <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Buster</A>... <P>...And in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... you want to avoid those <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>... like the plague!<P>...but...<BR>...for most... it is a personal conviction of right and wrong...<P>...should you do the "offering of forgiveness" for your wife's direct indiscretions?...<P>...you may feel justified if you honestly feel there are things <B>you</B> did in your marriage to to <I><B>allow</B></I> your W to negatively impact the OM's W life!<P>...but above all else...<BR>...weigh this against the fact that you will be <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busting</A>.<P> <P>Jim

I'd like to say thank you for all the advice you all have given me today. I'm going to confront her (nicely) about it tonight. I've looked over Plan A and I want to try that. I hope she does. Anyway, tonight is the night and in hopes of no love-busters, I guess I'll not tell OM's wife. I'm thinking of talking to OM and encourage hime to tell his wife. Maybe I won't kill him LOL. Anyway everyone wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.<P>Thanks,<BR>hurtinNC

I'd try real hard to figure out a way to "accidently" be in the way of her plans to meet. Call in sick to work and stay home. Wherever they plan to be, put yourself there and make it look like an accidental coincidence. This way you don't have to admit you're monitoring the computer. You don't want to give that up. (This goes against most people's advice here, by the way. Personally, I'd rather know the truth, even if it hurts.)<P>On the other hand, I'd suggest that it's probably better to ignore the OM and his W. He's not your problem - your relationship with your W is your problem. It's too easy for a confrontation with the OM to backfire, and there's not really much to be gained. Much better to spend your efforts on Plan A rather than wasting the emotional energy on someone you really don't care about anyway. In my own situation, I get a tremendous kick out of picturing the OM sweating every time the phone rings, wondering if it's me calling to have a talk with his wife.<P>Good luck!<P>Slightly Sane<BR>

Well everyone, I got to the point to confront her.... and I couldn't do it. I don't know what's wrong with me. After all she's done to hurt me, I still don't want to hurt her. Am I crazy? I have to talk to her tonight though. It's tearing me up inside knowing what she wants to do. Maybe it's like how your sometimes a little nervous before getting on a rollar coaster - anticipating the ride you're about to take. I think this is going to be a very wild ride! <BR> I've been sending her lot's of messages about how much I love her and how understanding I can be. This morning she said that she's getting tired of the messages because they make her feel bad. I guess this was the perfect chance to talk, but we both had to go to work and she's a teacher so I'd hate to make it hard on her. I'm so confused about what to do, what to say. I also know she'll be mad once I tell her that I've been monitoring her even if it turned out to be justified. I have to talk to her tonight, that's all there is to it.<P>hurtinNC<BR>

Good Luck...<P>BTW... Don't talk with the OM... <B>AT ALL</B>!<P>Talking with the OM's W is different...<BR>...that's up to you!<BR><B>BUT</B>... stay away from the OM...<BR>...this will be a bigger LB than talking with your W!!!<P> <P>Jim

Good grief man,<BR>You are fighting for your marriage so stand<BR>up and fight for it. You are afraid of <BR>hurting her by telling her you know of her<BR>plans to have sex with another man. Are you<BR>out of your mind. Women respect strong men<BR>who are willing to fight for them. They do<BR>not respect wimps. You need a touch of reality my friend. You are a married man so<BR>start acting like a married man who wants to<BR>save his marriage. If you do not have honesty<BR>and open communications with your wife, then<BR>you really have nothing. Show her that you <BR>care and will fight for her and not hide in<BR>the shawdows and let her be intimate with <BR>another man. You know that I am right.<BR>Good luck to you.

Fight for her NOW than LATER! Make love to her often NOW or she will NOT allow you once she has sex with OM.<P>I think letting OM's wife know may be a good idea so that she can approach him? She may help stop him as well.<P>If you treasure your wife and the marriage, would you just stop in your tracks to prevent it being soiled and defiled? Can you live with the fact that you could have but didn't? <P>Let's say the worst scenario is that despite all your trying, they still managed to sneak in some physical intimacy, you then have your wife's respect that you were Husband and Man enough to put your foot down. You CARED enough for the marriage. Do not let them rub their dirty shoes all over you. The dirt will be with you for a long time as you try to get rid of the emotional trauma. <P>Many of us know - WE DIDN'T HAVE A CHANCE AND If we could have a chance - all of us and MOST WS would want to turn back the clocks, and wash away the affair.