I just found out that 2 years ago my husband had an affair. We have always had a very close loving relationship. We spend quality time together talking and going out. We have and had a very fulfilling sex life. I don't understand why this happend. We had been together for 5 years and his work has always required him to travel. I had no reason to suspect that one of his destinations had a someone special. We were having a rough time with his work load (it had increased,requiring more time apart) but in general we were getting along. He was still very loving and affectionate and we were making love more than ever. Every couple of weeks I would get upset about all the time we spent apart and how I hated it, but he always made it up to me and I was never tempted. He ended the affair after 3 months and has since told the young lady that she is not welcome anywhere near him. He is very sweet and good to me and I do not want to lose this love, but I can't help think WHY. I am at a loss and don't know what to do. If anyone has any advice please let me in on it. I have since taken great effort to travel with him at least once or twice a month. This seems to help with my insecruities, and with the time issue. Him changing jobs is not an option. He also insist that he was just friends with the woman and she developed a crush on him and wouldn't leave him alone. He swears that they did not have a sexual relationship, but co-workers and others say different. Please help.........I am so lost and confused.

I feel for your pain. I had an affair with a co-worker which lasted for several years. It has been over for some time now but we still work together. That is not an easy situation for me because I feel emotionally attached - but we decided mutually it must end for the sake of our marriages.<BR>Neither of us has told our spouses about the affair and our spouses have never suspected. Why we had the affair is still a mystery to me, but the more I read at this site, I realize that OM met needs that my husband was not and probably vice versa for OM.<BR>As of now, I have no plans to inform my husband and the feelings you are expressing in your letter confirm my decision.<BR>My husband and I had, what I thought, was a good marriage, prior to my affair. What my affair taught me was not to take anything for granted, even my marriage. I am confident that the something like that will not happen to me again and I trust that is the same for you husband.

How did you find out about the affair? <P>Many affairs are between coworkers. I know that the WS would always want to brush aside the unresolved issues and get along with life again. But for the betrayed, life is never the same again. The issues of trust, love, and why it happened, come back to haunt us again and again.<P>For BS, the tormentors of the adultery impact our daily living. I would recommend that both of you seek marital counselling. If you are a Christian, then you have the Creator to put all your cares on. It works for me. You can read my reply to Cjack under General Questions. I wrote about healing ministries of emotional trauma and of soulish ties.<P>All too often, adultery is brushed aside without the severing of the ties that bind you to the person you are with. In the bible, it is said that if 'one sleeps with a prostitute, they become one, and are bind together'. Spirits of lust, anger, rejection, etc., can be transfered from one to another. That is also a reason why people keep revisiting prostitutes because they cannot get rid of the lustful spirit. I can attest to how filled with violence I became; it was scary because the OW was a violent, suicidal, screaming banshee who wanted to harm my baby. OW was caught when she knived my WS in public and was jailed.<P>It was scary how I wanted to harm my baby (Before my WS revealed to me that OW wanted to harm my baby during the A, so that he continues with the sex). I became physically abusive and I lost self control in many things. Since being healed last weekend, I am free of the emotional trauma. I don't have that violent spirit in me or the others. THough I still have to decide what I want with the marriage. My WS went on his knees a few times, he did all the housework, asked me to and allowed me hit him, etc. WE went for counselling, attend bible study classes, etc.. He knows who Jesus is now on more personal terms. He said he wasn't close to God and didn't know how to flee the situation when he was pissed drunk and banshee got in his bed on a business trip.<P>It actually took a lot of conviction to post here and elsewhere that God can heal you of your hurts if you allow. I was very low in faith at that time, and was persuaded by my WS to receive the healing from the pastor who had been very blessed as a healer. I decided that I had nothing to lose because I was at the end of my sanity and my life was depleted of love, peace, joy, and the wonderful blessings that make life worth its while. I returned home and found inner peace and serenity. I still continue to talk with WS about the whats, whys, hows, etc, because it is important for the future of our relationship.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by weep:<BR><B>How did you find out about the affair? <P>Many affairs are between coworkers. I know that the WS would always want to brush aside the unresolved issues and get along with life again. But for the betrayed, life is never the same again. The issues of trust, love, and why it happened, come back to haunt us again and again.<P>I found out from the wife of one of my husbands co-workers. I was not convinced so I asked around a little and other were quick to join in and say that they too thought that something was going on.<P>I don't know if I am in denial or what. A part of me thinks it did happen and the other part says no way. He is so wonderful to me. When confronted he just get teary eyed and promises that it isn't true. He ask what can he do to make me believe that he would never hurt me like that.<P>I think the not knowing........or knowing but wishing and hoping. Or whatever this is, is worse than the act itself. I have so much faith in him and in our love that it just seems an impossiblity.<P>The OW is a local bar fly in one of the towns he goes to for business. Drinking was definitly involved. The odd thing is, and I am not saying this to be mean, the OW is not very attractive and not as educated as me. I mean she is literally deformed on one side of her face and has a glass eye that she frequenty removes and plays with in public. I don't understand?<P>I should say that I am very suspicious of this sort of thing because my first husband did it 13 times. My husband now is nothing like the 1st husband though. I don't know what to think.......it is driving me crazy.<P>For BS, the tormentors of the adultery impact our daily living. I would recommend that both of you seek marital counselling. If you are a Christian, then you have the Creator to put all your cares on. It works for me. You can read my reply to Cjack under General Questions. I wrote about healing ministries of emotional trauma and of soulish ties.<P>All too often, adultery is brushed aside without the severing of the ties that bind you to the person you are with. In the bible, it is said that if 'one sleeps with a prostitute, they become one, and are bind together'. Spirits of lust, anger, rejection, etc., can be transfered from one to another. That is also a reason why people keep revisiting prostitutes because they cannot get rid of the lustful spirit. I can attest to how filled with violence I became; it was scary because the OW was a violent, suicidal, screaming banshee who wanted to harm my baby. OW was caught when she knived my WS in public and was jailed.<P>It was scary how I wanted to harm my baby (Before my WS revealed to me that OW wanted to harm my baby during the A, so that he continues with the sex). I became physically abusive and I lost self control in many things. Since being healed last weekend, I am free of the emotional trauma. I don't have that violent spirit in me or the others. THough I still have to decide what I want with the marriage. My WS went on his knees a few times, he did all the housework, asked me to and allowed me hit him, etc. WE went for counselling, attend bible study classes, etc.. He knows who Jesus is now on more personal terms. He said he wasn't close to God and didn't know how to flee the situation when he was pissed drunk and banshee got in his bed on a business trip.<P>It actually took a lot of conviction to post here and elsewhere that God can heal you of your hurts if you allow. I was very low in faith at that time, and was persuaded by my WS to receive the healing from the pastor who had been very blessed as a healer. I decided that I had nothing to lose because I was at the end of my sanity and my life was depleted of love, peace, joy, and the wonderful blessings that make life worth its while. I returned home and found inner peace and serenity. I still continue to talk with WS about the whats, whys, hows, etc, because it is important for the future of our relationship.<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hi,<P>How are you feeling today? <P>I understand the disbelief that WS can go for OW who are, in many cases it's witch are , so many times inferior to the spouse.<P>I actually posted this issue recently about how the chinless wonder banshee who also drags her feet and gapes for added effect could get my H to sleep with her for 2 years!?! I am not being immodest but I was a fashion model who graced mags covers and fashion spreads, TVCs, and has a post grad degree, am a decent person with a compassionate heart, and my H is often proud to say a great cook, with great chemistry, etc.. I almost killed myself literally as I couldn't take the blows on so many counts, especially when my WS was a trustworthy type (I thought then so I never suspected and even denied to myself). He had public service duties before, and was also selected to play another PS role to a President but he didn't then because of frequent travels. Glad he didn't now or the A would have blown in our faces. The banshee landed in jail when she knived him in a public place.<P>WHY IN THE WORLD DID HE LAND IN BED WITH SUCH A LOWLIFE? Upon advice, I come to weigh that isn't it slightly ever so slightly better that OW have a habit of showing off glass eyes instead of fluttering lovely lashes, or looser than nymphomaniacs chinless wonder than classy IT girls? We have no choice, our WS did and what they did proved that they were not serious about the OW. Do we honestly think our WS would be proud to bring them out in the bright sunlight and home to relatives? Or bear their offsprings?<P>Men are strange creatures, they are driven by you know what, and too bad that their choices , especially their recent choices define the way they see themselves. I lost all respect and love for my WS.<P>One of the posts in reply to my heartache over how WS could do that with such an ugly and horrible OW, noted that 97% of BS are much better off than OW in every aspect of life. I guess, 97% of OW are optional, disposable, and are just for kicks without the full commitment stuff. OWs don't have the self esteem to know that they deserve better than being used, maybe they are smart in knowing that there is no other way they can get a single attractive man. They are right, only married man looking for kicks would care to toss them some slack or they need to trap the married man for sex.<P>ANother thread that received many replies was run by Resilient at General Questions sometime in late August (I think) and it went "how many WS would marry OW if WS were single". Read that and it would surprise you.<P>I hope I help some? <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by weep:<BR><B>Hi,<P>How are you feeling today? <P>I understand the disbelief that WS can go for OW who are, in many cases it's witch are , so many times inferior to the spouse.<P>I actually posted this issue recently about how the chinless wonder banshee who also drags her feet and gapes for added effect could get my H to sleep with her for 2 years!?! I am not being immodest but I was a fashion model who graced mags covers and fashion spreads, TVCs, and has a post grad degree, am a decent person with a compassionate heart, and my H is often proud to say a great cook, with great chemistry, etc.. I almost killed myself literally as I couldn't take the blows on so many counts, especially when my WS was a trustworthy type (I thought then so I never suspected and even denied to myself). He had public service duties before, and was also selected to play another PS role to a President but he didn't then because of frequent travels. Glad he didn't now or the A would have blown in our faces. The banshee landed in jail when she knived him in a public place.<P>WHY IN THE WORLD DID HE LAND IN BED WITH SUCH A LOWLIFE? Upon advice, I come to weigh that isn't it slightly ever so slightly better that OW have a habit of showing off glass eyes instead of fluttering lovely lashes, or looser than nymphomaniacs chinless wonder than classy IT girls? We have no choice, our WS did and what they did proved that they were not serious about the OW. Do we honestly think our WS would be proud to bring them out in the bright sunlight and home to relatives? Or bear their offsprings?<P>Men are strange creatures, they are driven by you know what, and too bad that their choices , especially their recent choices define the way they see themselves. I lost all respect and love for my WS.<P>One of the posts in reply to my heartache over how WS could do that with such an ugly and horrible OW, noted that 97% of BS are much better off than OW in every aspect of life. I guess, 97% of OW are optional, disposable, and are just for kicks without the full commitment stuff. OWs don't have the self esteem to know that they deserve better than being used, maybe they are smart in knowing that there is no other way they can get a single attractive man. They are right, only married man looking for kicks would care to toss them some slack or they need to trap the married man for sex.<P>ANother thread that received many replies was run by Resilient at General Questions sometime in late August (I think) and it went "how many WS would marry OW if WS were single". Read that and it would surprise you.<P>I hope I help some? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I am doing about the same as everyday. Sad and nautious. What you said about the OW be disposable makes a lot of sense to me. I never thought of it that way. <P>Right now I am having a problem with everyone else bringing it up all the time. It is one the first things friends ask about when I talk to them. My H is still trying to figure out who told me because he feels betrayed by them????? His co-workers are questioning thier wives and everyone's life is turning into arguments. Everyone is fighting over who is lying and betraying. No one actually cares that the original betrayal is the problem. It is the root of all these current episodes. Why does this have to be about everyone else?<BR>

What about counselling for both of you?<P>How about church and being accountable to a pastor /elder?<P>Look after yourself and your health and your beauty - when you are radiant, it shows and you feel happier. Get some nice fragrance or nice smelling bath gels to feel more perky.<P>Resolve the issues with your H and then you can calm your friends and coworkers' wives down by saying that things are resolved and ask them not to argue with each other anymore. ALso, do not give away your informant come what may.<P>Pray that God will bless you as you go about trying to make sense of all these pointlessness.<P>God Bless You<BR>weep

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by weep:<BR><B>What about counselling for both of you?<P>How about church and being accountable to a pastor /elder?<P>Look after yourself and your health and your beauty - when you are radiant, it shows and you feel happier. Get some nice fragrance or nice smelling bath gels to feel more perky.<P>Resolve the issues with your H and then you can calm your friends and coworkers' wives down by saying that things are resolved and ask them not to argue with each other anymore. ALso, do not give away your informant come what may.<P>Pray that God will bless you as you go about trying to make sense of all these pointlessness.<P>God Bless You<BR>weep</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I guess I am doing alright. Thanks for the support. I have been trying to look and feel my best. He did finally come clean and admit to what I already knew. He was upset and cying and of coarse full of "I love You" "your the one I want" and "I'm sorry".<P>I love him and I want to believe but it is going to take some kind of faith to put this to rest.<P>The big thing is the "let's forget about it". He says lets not talk about it or dwell on it. He says it is out in the open and he has learned a lesson so it needs to be forgotten. I want to do that, but I have so many questions. I probably shouldn't even ask them because the answers would just give me more to dwell on.<P>I cried last night when we made love. All I could see was her. Every way he touched me, I saw him touching her. How long does this last?<P>As far as counseling, he feels it is a one time mistake that he has learned from so no need to counsel. It was 2 years ago and long done and over. <P>

Dear B,<P>Glad to hear that he has admitted his affair. He is now feeling remorseful and sorrowful about what he did. He hope he is repentant as well because that is what is critical in getting the marriage to rebuild. The fruits of repentance have to be obvious and these would include: trying to be accountable, showing love, being transparent, showing concern, being totally faithful and committed to the marriage, etc..<P>It is a classic case that the WS would want to sweep everything under the carpet because this A brings shame and they have great difficulty facing the guilt and sordidness of something they have done wrong. But for the betrayed spouse, there is emotional trauma which is relative to the personality of that individual's capacity to cope and then overcome and heal and restore themselves completely.<P>Counselling with a pastor trained in marital work or a professional counsellor helps both of you to recognise the roles you play in the marriage, especially in the rebuilding of the broken vows. In your case, your H need to be trained in how to avoid situations that may bring out such As, and how to protect himself and his marriage. You will need to be helped to deal with the 'ghosts of his A'. These remnants will continue to haunt you. You have described a very common experience of having the visual and mental images when you are having sex. Other issues to be addressed would be trust, acceptable boundaries of behaviour, communications, and accountability. Your H may also have his own issues and the trained professional will be able to bring up further strategies to help you reconcile.<P>You need to read book, you can go to find and type in NSR, and BOOKS. There is a list of books and I also read the bible which helps most.<P>Apart from professional counselling, supportive family or church friends can help you focus on other aspects of your life or even help you deal with certian questions that you may have. But we have to be circumspect and not trust anybody too lightly or the whole town may engage in idle gossip instead of genuine concern.<P>Writing down your thoughts and feelings and putting them away and rereading them every now and then can help you recognise the choatic and confusing emotions that are going on within yourself.<P>You will need to approach your H and tell him that his A has shattered your world and broken your heart. In order to heal, you need help to put the pieces back. A pastor gave us a biblical saying about 'forgiving your brother seven by seventy times his sin against you' which interpreted means forgiving that same sin (what constitutes actions that need forgiving and how to go about that can be found in the book "forgive and forget - healing the hurts you do not deserve" by Lewis B Smedes) that many times because we are human. He gave this analoyg to drive home the point: when you have a wound, you need to keep applying antiseptic to it until the wound dries up and heals. If you sweep everything under the carpet which means if you let the wound close up quickly, all may seem well until some months later, the skin will explode in a huge pus and the healing will take even longer. So every time you think about the A, you need to take positive steps to cleanse the hurts and these are usually in the form of the above recommended counselling, readings, writing or journal keeping, MB site, supportive friends, H's fruits of repentance, taking care of yourself, etc..<P>May you find the strength to overcome your sadness.<P>God Bless and Loves You<BR>weep