Hey everyone!<P> You are all so great about giving advice to those of us in need, I'm just going to say thankyou first! You've helped me so much already!<P> My D day was about 4 1/2 weeks ago. I discovered the A through OW's XH. He called and faxed me several cards with "I love you" signed by my H. He denied it until I showed him the faxes, and has shared absolutely nothing since then. He did acknowledge that he knows it's wrong, and that he needs to break off the relationship, but so far, nothing!<P> I have tried to gently bring it up, but he just walks away, or doesn't acknowledge that he hears me. I call it selective hearing loss when my kids do that! <P> I've also asked him about counseling,and he's not going to commit to that, either. He says that they will only be able to help us with the info we give them and he doesn't want anyone else to know. He tells me that this is strictly an EA. The only information I have is from the X at this point. I probably could collect more info from XH, or even from some of the former co-workers if necessary, but I really just want him to tell me. I need the truth, and I've told him this. He knows that my life is centered around God, and that I have been praying about this a lot. He doesn't seem to be close to God anymore, I'm sure, because of guilt. <P> He is still in contact with OW over the phone lines, pretty much daily. He DID begin to use his "secret" phone to call me the other day. I just feel like at any moment he could just leave, and not look back. We have 3 children, whom I homeschool, and H has been looking for another job all summer. Money up until now has not been a big problem, but it's beginning to get tight. If he'd just leave her and commit to going to counseling, I know we could rebuild our marriage. We are still good friends, and we love each other. Our children are all under 10, and, so far, seem oblivious to our problems except that mom spends all of her time reading marriage books!<P> My relationship with God has become so much closer since D day. This has been a very big blessing. I feel like for the first time, I'm able to LISTEN to Him. Patience seems to be the word, but is there anything you all can give me to get things started? I just hate to feel like I'm clueless all of the time. I need my husband back!<P> God bless you all!<BR> SM

Welcome <B>SimplyMe</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>All too ofetn we want the WS to contribute to the healing of the marriage...<BR>...and it doesn't happen.<P>I would recommend that you (both or just you if he won't go) have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)! Money might be getting tight... but never as tight as when you go through a divorce.<P>Do start on Plan A...<BR>...check out my post...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>...<BR>...and yes... PTC... <B>P</B>atience... <B>T</B>ime... <B>C</B>onsistancy!<P>Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> An Affair"(SAA)</A>... and read it!<P>You may also want to check out my post...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000288.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Concepts in Christian Scripture</A>!<P> <P>Jim

Dear SM<P>You are right about the guilt being a reason for your H's not wanting to go to church. I have also some gut feeling that he seems to still want to go along with this A, so going to church would simple be lying to God and counter productive. My WS goes to church lesser and avoided the Holy Communion all through his A.<P>However, I know so that God will heed your prayers and fasting - pray for your H and for hedges of protection so that no lover can get to him and vice versa, as well as if there is alreay a PA/EA, he will return to you fully repentant.<P>You can also work on your own beauty and radiance and lead a full and joyful life - your h may realise that he is missing out on that.<P>ALthough I hate my WS, I brought him to church again and introduced spiritual elders with whom he could be accountable to. I also prayed on D-Day for God to forgive him and bless him to become the father and husband he should be (all this infront of him with another sister). So in a sense, he knew that God has forgiven him but he needs to be close to God. <P>I let him know that God will forgive him if he is sincere in repentance. I told him that I am not God and therefore I will have many issues to go through and be healed totally before I can dare accept him as my h (I see him as the father of my baby). You are a great and magnanimous person because you still love your H - that is a great plus in rebuilding the marriage.<P>I also feel that besides the grace and mercy of God, your H needs to recognise and acknowledge the power of God. Like your H, my WS was not close to God but God spoke to me and I has visions and dreams of the A and other miracles and WS became frightened at the power of God. We also went to a healing ministry, and I was healed of my emotional trauma (the soulish ties that were transferred as a result of my WS and the violent banshee having sex made me an uncontrollably violent person as a result. I couldn't control my anger, etc.).<P>Commit your worries to God and fast and pray if you feel that is important, and get advice and support from trustworthy church elders. Commit your husband to God.

Thanks NSR and Weep,<P> I feel like a cry baby after reading about your situation, weep. You are made of something a lot stronger than I. I am praying for you!<P> Thanks, Jim for your information. You share my husbands name, and one of the things that I love about him, which is your thouroghness (sp?). It's funny how all of those things keep being put before me right now. I have been questioning my love for him, but God won't let me turn away!<P> One of the things that I didn't share with you was that OW's X called 2 days ago, and said that he was going to "pull my H into court" Now, so far, this man (by my H's account) has been fairly unreliable. According to the story, he abused his wife, young child, and slept around regularly with many partners, some of them prostitutes. BUT he has been my only source of truthful information. Maybe he hasn't shown his true colors to me because I have not opened myself up to his manipulation. The only contact we have had has been the faxes he sent me. He did call me several times, and asked if I would go to court with him, but I told him no, because I didn't know him, and I wouldn't be able to truthfully say he would be a better parent than OW. By the way, this is a custody battle. Anyway, no subpeona's have been served yet, so I don't know what is going on. When I asked my H if he had talked with OW about it, and whether or not any of it was true, he just said that the guy is a jerk, and walked away. <P> Should I give him an ultimatum? I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. We spend time together with our family, and I think that things are better, then he disappears with his secret phone for an hour to call her. This, of course, sends me back down into the pits! I have never experienced depression before, but I'd bet my bottom dollar that that is exactly what I'm feeling. I'm an optimist to the point that my friends and family come to me to be uplifted, and this is a gift from God, I know. But I just don't feel very optomistic right now. What can I do? Should I tell him that he has to make a choice by a certain date? Or will that push him straight into her arms? I'm really scared, and I haven't gotten a clear answer from God. I'm not sure if I'm being a coward by not doing it, or if God is stopping me every time I think I'll do it! Help! I just need some input.<P> Thankyou for any help you can give. <P> SM