Hey all,<P>First post here (it's long, thanks for reading) and I gotta say I need some help/insight.<P>Over the past few years my W and I have become less and less intimate. I won't site all details but suffice to say we have not <BR>had much initmate contact (sex) in a year. We have been mariied coming up on 5 years and known each other around 7. Our main issues have to do with my dishonesty in several areas and her issues with depression and health. We are generally very good with each other, and seem to agree that our partnership is healthy. We have been in couples counseling twice; the first time prior to our marrige (novel huh?) and now for about 3 months. <P>Two weeks ago I went up the mountains alone to hike and climb. I arrived and set up my camp and took off for a long walk. As I headed back to camp after a long day I met a woman sitting by herself in a meadow and we struck up a conversation. I learned she was swiss, alone and in her words "tired of being alone - it's been 5 weeks now and I need someone to talk to" These words seemed to resonate with me and I sat with her for awhile and heard her story. Later she asked what plans I had for later and I told her only dinner and a fire - she asked if she could join me and I agreed. <P>Over dinner I learned more of her story but mainly she asked questions of me - was I with anyone - was I married. I told her yes I was married but that I found my marrige to be less than fulfilling at the moment and elaborated at length siting my failings (honesty, temper, etc), and my wifes. Later as we sat and talked she looked up and said that the moon would be full and we should take a walk in the meadow and check it out. I agreed and in my heart I now knew what might happen. As we stood in the meadow I began to shiver from the cold, but mainly due to my nervousness with the situation. I knew the inevitable was happening when she came up behind me and put her arms around me. She turned me around and took my face into her hands and kissed me.<P>Yes dear readers, the question begs, why did I not push her away and say what needed to <BR>be said. I didn't. All thought of my marriage and my wife was removed - a very disassociative experience. We went back to my camp and I asked her to go get her sleeping bag and stay with me - she did. While she was gone it all came flooding to me what I was about to do and when her car lights hit my tent and I heard her come to my tent, my heart lept into my throat. <P>For the next 5 days we made love, talked, I cryed, she held me, we seemed to have connected in a way I had been longing for, for a long time. We spoke of our inevitable separation often and it made me feel very sad. When the day came for me to go home we<BR>sat in the same place we met and parted ways there, seemingly having come a full circle. <P>As I drove home I had 4 hours to think and feel about what I had done, what I needed to do. I got home and of course I was not acting right and my W sensed it and asked me what was wrong "oh nothing, it's nothing" was all I could say. But I know my wife and when she came to bed she again asked me, got the same response, and then asked sarcastically if I had "gotten any, had sex with someone"<P>The first word from my mouth was:<P>"yes!" <P>I could not lie, I just didn't feel like there was anything good left in me and I could not deceive her one minute. We cryed,<BR>yelled, threathened, etc till late that night. We saw our counselor the next night<BR>and that has helped. I contiuned to try to be honest, admitting that I still have feelings (infatuation) for the OW. I also<BR>tried to articulate what I find troublesome <BR>in our marriage - it was a sobering session.<P>Last friday afternoon I came back to my office at work and opened my email to find a message from OW stating that she had been arrested and was being held in jail on a DUI. (note: I had previously told her where I worked and my full name and she had guessed (easily) my email address.) The email pleaded for me to come up and bail her out and to call. Against all I have have read on these pages I called and spoke with her. I then called my wife to ask her to agree to me going up. She could not. She told me it was my decision ultimately, but that it would most certainly mean the end of our marriage. <P>I was split in two, literally. Torn, I headed off anyway, my "compassion" and feelings for OW clouding my judgement completely. Various cell phone conversations b/w OW and myself and W and myself just served to confuse me more. When I got caught in a huge traffic jam on the way it came to me - my vows - the words I had spoken 5 years ago in front of her, my family, her family and our most important friends - it seemed like I would loose all that if I did not turn around.<P>I did. I turned around, went home, and held my wife.<P>The shame for what I did is overpowering, consuming me, as are the feelings I still have for OW. All this weeked I vasilated <BR>b/w going to OW, and staying at home where I really belong. <P>So I need some perspective, advice - yell at me if you please. I know in time my "addiction" to OW will fade BUT WILL I REMAIN WITH MY WIFE!!? The thought of loosing both of them I cannot bear.<P>Thanks for listening,<P>hurt-her<P>

Stop a minute and think. Do the few days you had with this woman mean more than the years you have spent with your wife ? Do you have children ?<P>You need to ask yourself what kind of woman has sex with a man the first night she meets him knowing she is married . Is she worth your marriage ? <P>I know you are torn, confused and hurting. But trust me whaen I tell you that what your wife is feeling is worse than you can imagine. Remember, the man she believed in, trusted with her heart has thrown away the love she has given him. You may not believe that is what you have done, but as a betrayed spouse I can tell you that is what it feels like. And worse.<P>You have to make a decision here, and soon. It is not fair to your wife for you to remain undecided. <P>So ask yourself the hard questions, and ask yourself this, would a woman with the loose morals this OW has ever be faithful to you ?<P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Bozos_ Deb:<BR><B>Stop a minute and think. Do the few days you had with this woman mean more than the years you have spent with your wife ? Do you have children ?<P>You need to ask yourself what kind of woman has sex with a man the first night she meets him knowing she is married . Is she worth your marriage ? <P>I know you are torn, confused and hurting. But trust me whaen I tell you that what your wife is feeling is worse than you can imagine. Remember, the man she believed in, trusted with her heart has thrown away the love she has given him. You may not believe that is what you have done, but as a betrayed spouse I can tell you that is what it feels like. And worse.<P>You have to make a decision here, and soon. It is not fair to your wife for you to remain undecided. <P>So ask yourself the hard questions, and ask yourself this, would a woman with the loose morals this OW has ever be faithful to you ?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>We have no children. Just two dogs that I could not bear to be without. It has<BR>only very recently dawned on me that OW is bad juju - she became involved with a man (boy) 12 years her junior quickly after I left and said that she drank to relieve her feelings for me and him. She made several comments as to how important it is to her to <BR>get her social security number via anyway<BR>possible and joked to me that she'd run off to vegas with her boytoy and get married. <P><whine><BR>I feel like an idiot.<BR></whine><P>hurt-her

Hurt-her,<P>Most ws's feel like idiots afterward. Now my question is, do you want your marriage ? Are you willing to work hard, harder than you ever have at anything in your life to rebuild ?<P>It will take rebuilding. I hope you don't think that your wife will just be able to act like it never happened and move on. Many times that is what our souses want and expect, but it is just not possible. <P>Even now, two years after discovery of h's last affair, I am still afraid that he will hurt me again.<P>First, the bad news- Your marriage will never be the same. Now the good news- it can be better. <P>I suggest you read as much here, start plan Aing your wife for all you are worth, I bet she responds, but it may take some time. <P>You talk about a lack of imtimacy, have you wooed your wife. Have you treated her the way you did at first ? We tend to lose that edge as time goes on, and sometimes H's forget that we need to be courted, we need romance, we need to feel loved. If we don't feel that often a woman will withdraw, not to punish as many think but because most women find it hard to be sexual with someone they do not feel loves and desires them. And when a spouse cheats it makes you feel like less of a person. Undesireable, unloved. <P>Post as much as you can, as questions we will answer you. <P>See if your wife is willing to do the emotional needs survey it will help you understand what your wife needs, and help her know what you need<P>Just somethings for you to think about.<P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

Hurt-Her: First off let me say this. I grew up in Alameda. Beware of what you say and you better do right by your W or I'll have to drive on over there and kick some [censored] .<P>Anyway you gave into temptation. Of course you are hooked on the "in love" rush you felt that weekend. It's like a hit of a drug. Leaving you to want more. NOTHING replaces the relationship that is built on good times, bad times, happy times, sad times, boring times, I could go on and on. Sometimes I think that part of Plan B is so that the WS can learn for themselves that nothing can be built with these OP that they are so called "in love with".<P>You fall in love yes. But the love you build over the years is what true love is about. Yes you stay with your wife. You go to counseling. You tell OW to take a hike (no pun intetended). Why the he_l would she call you after spending one week with you? She wants to make contact and she wants to start this up again. In jail? If you ask me it was an excuse to call you. And if you ask me again she belongs in jail for drinking and driving and risking all our lives.<P>So. I'm so proud of you for turning around and going to your W. Get into counseling. Rediscover each other and what the other wants/needs/desires. Find the person you fell in love with then and have since grown to love more each day.<P>Find fun little games you can play on/with each other to exite your sex life. It's fun. My H and I have done it. Our sex life hasn't been this good in 8 years or more. You don't realize it when you fall in the rut. But once you figure it out climb tooth and nail out of it.<P>Save your marriage. There's time. There's hope. Do it. Think of what it will be like when you're both in your 80s and still feel your heart skip a beat when the other walks into the room. It can't be replaced. Take care of your W. She will need some healing. Good Luck. Take Care. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

I sympathize with what you're going through. I know it must be difficult to be torn between someone you love and the hopes of someone you can learn to love. You must love your wife to have such strong feelings to stay with her and with that, you should be able to find your path. Happiness is within and the values that we instill upon ourselves is a very important part of that happiness. The lust you feel for OW is something of a new, electric, inviting, exciting etc. feeling. A feeling I'm sure you had with your wife when you first met her. What happens when that feeling is gone, seceded, downgraded etc. Then, do you look for another one? The ultimate choice is up to you, but to gain happiness in any relationship, you must have the tools to build it strong and full of love. Loving your spouse and sharing your happiness can be a very rewarding experience. The path may be difficult, but at the end you will have the life that you wanted.

2Bornot2B:<P>"Happiness is within and the values that we instill upon ourselves is a very important part of that happiness. The lust you feel for OW is something of a new, electric, inviting, exciting etc. feeling. A feeling I'm sure you had with your wife when you first met her. What happens when that feeling is gone, seceded, downgraded etc. Then, do you look for another one? The ultimate choice is up to you, but to gain happiness in any relationship, you must have the tools to build it strong and full of love. Loving your spouse and sharing your happiness can be a very rewarding experience. The path may be difficult, but at the end you will have the life that you wanted"<P>What a wonderful choice of words. It cuts deep and makes you think. Every single word is true. I wish more people could see that. Marriage would have much more meaning if they did. Thank you ToBornot2B. I hope some day my H will see the truth in the words you spoke. Or wrote in this case. Take Care. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"