Help -<BR>4 years ago I had an affair. My husband found out about it about a month ago. It was with a neighbor. This was someone who came to the house after the fact. It only happened once, but that doesn't make a difference. It seems to bother my husband more that I let this person come around after. I just didn't want things to seem any different. I know that what I did was wrong, and I never wanted him to find out about it. I love him with all of my heart, and really want this to work out. He seems to be getting worse instead of dealing with things better. He is really verbally abusive. He even says things in front of our children. I don't know what to do. He has told me the past two nights now that it is over. I just can't imagine this at this point. I'm not ready to give up. Any advice would be appreciated.

Welcome <B>MUDD</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>You need to go on a super <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...check out the mechanics at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>You may have to consider counseling soon...<BR>I would recommend that you(both if possible.. or not then alone!) have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Check out the book...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> An Affair"(SAA)</A>...<BR>...you may have a lot more work ahead...<BR>...but stay here and get some support.<P> <P>Jim

MUDD,<P>Nice choice of name. What you have to remember is that you have known about this for 4 years, and so it is old news. He has only known about it for a month. The pain is as if you were still having the affair.<P>As you will see if you read here long the pain of finding out about an affair is hugh, and it takes months to get over the worst of it. You certainly don't deserve any abuse, but you can expect him to be very angry. The anger is coming from the pain of realizing that what he thought was a good marriage has apparently to him been a lie for 4 years.<P>Please read the information that NSR has pointed out to you. How did your H find out about the affair? The manner in which he found out can also make a difference in how he responds to this.<P>As for it being over, it is "for right now", but tomorrow will be different. He is going through hugh mood swings and it will take awhile for him to decide to maintain the marriage. However, you can help, by calmly reassuring him of your love and your commitment to never do something like this again.<P>MUDD, you have started on a long road but you can regain your marriage. It will take work and perserverance, but you can do it.<P>Just for information sake, how long have you been married and how old are the children? <P>Keep posting and reading and many will come to help you.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

JL,<P>Thanks for your advice. The kids are 11, 10 and twins thta are 7. Things seem a little better the past couple of days. There are still bad times though. There are times that I don't know if it is going to work or not, r if either or both of us have the strength to do this. It seems that all I do is cry. Will this get easier???<BR>I don't want to loose my husband or my family. They mean the world to me.

MUDD,<P>Have you read about Plan A and the 4 steps for a stronger marriage. They are in the bookmarks of NSR's post. Please read them, and then read some of the "notable stories". <P>You will find that many have recovered from far worse. But in all cases it takes "Time and Patience". You are going to learn to hate those two words. But it does take time for the wounds to heal and your H just found out about this. Keep reassuring him of your love and commitment.<P>It will also help if you could understand why you had the affair. The reason for this is actually pretty straight forward. If you know the reason, then behaviors, situations, and temptations can be changed, and fixed. This will allow your H to have more faith that it won't happen again and to develop some trust that he has a little control over the situation.<P>He needs more than anything else reassurance that this is a preventable event and that you do love him. He won't believe it for awhile but if you are consistent, he will as the pain lessens.<P>The other thing you are going to have to pay attention to, his own feelings of failure. If they haven't hit him they will. After all if he was a good H, this wouldn't have happened, Right?? His self-esteem is going to take a big down turn. That is not a good position for him to be in, for him or you.<P>Finally, realize this, when people are in pain, they frequently display this pain with anger. The anger you are probably seeing is not so much at you as it is masking the pain. I use the illustration, that when I hit my thumb with a hammer, I don't cry. But that hammer may get a little flight time. You see what I mean. The thumb hurts, but the reaction is anger.<P>So hang in there MUDD. It is a tough ride for both of you. Please read the information NSR has in his post and keep posting. You will get alot of advice here.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>