I'm not completely sure how I feel about this, but it has definitely dampered my M. I caught my H having cybers** with different women on the net. When I confronted him about it, he said he would never do it again, yet over and over again I've found that he has not stopped. I have given up any attempts to stop him from doing what he wants. I am trying to be open minded about the situation to prevent any further arguments and hurt. I found that my real issue is not so much about the cybers**, but the fact that he lied about stopping. I feel very angry and betrayed by this. I can learn to accept his wants and fantacies or whatever he may be feeling while he is on the net with other women, but I cannot seem to get over the fact that he couldn't open up to me and tell me the truth. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated. Will I ever feel comfortable trusting him again? Or will I always question him from now on?

Welcome <B>2Bornot2B</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Your H is heading down a path that will be destructive...<P>Check out...<A HREF="http://www.wildxangel.com/" TARGET=_blank>What They're Not Telling You - Or How to Read Between the Lies!! </A><P>I would recommend that you(individually first... then with your H) have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<BR>...counseling for your H is a must.<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... and be honest with your H about recognizing that what he is doing is slowly killing your marriage!<P>Prayers... <P> <P>Jim

2Bornot2B -<P>Hi. My personal belief and experience is that cyber-relationships are extremely damaging to a marriage. Your H is turning to other women to have needs met that should be met by you. <P>If you truthfully think about what you want your marriage to be, wouldn't you rather have his attention focused on you? <P>You can read some interesting stories about where cyber-relationships led some people at <A HREF="http://www.chatcheaters.com." TARGET=_blank>www.chatcheaters.com.</A> <P>I'm not telling you these things to discourage you, but more to tell you how serious cybering is - and not to take it lightly. There's a lot you can do to improve your marriage, even by yourself. I've gotten really great advice here and my marriage is so much better than it once was. I hope for the same for you.<P>Good luck,<BR>periwinkle

Periwinkle, Thank you for your reply. I know that there's a problem. I have gone to counceling for myself trying to get a grip of life again. It's very difficult to try to change a person other than yourself. I couldn't change my husband even if I wanted to. That has to come from him. I do not like to be controlling even when the problem does bother me. I can only hope he will realize that what he is doing is hurting me and decide to stop on his own. As for myself, I need to be more self reliant and be more confident about myself to get through this. As difficult as it is, I seem to find comfort in sharing my situation with others. Kind of like a release. I appreciate your response and hope to hear from you again.

I agree with you 100% about not being able to change anyone else. I tried for many years to do that before I learned that I could only change myself - just as you say.<P>About sharing about your situation - that is what saved me through the first several months of dealing with my H's cyber relationship (that had gone on for almost a year by the time I confirmed it).<P>I only check this board about once a week or so now, but used to be on here reading and posting (mostly reading) every day.<P>I'll be thinking of you and watching for your progress. Good luck!<P>periwinkle

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Now that I have been going to counceling and have a sense of security for myself, I find myself worrying about H. I've read that if this act is an addiction, then I should be there to support him to get through it. I've mentioned my concerns to him, basically saying I want to make sure he is alright. His response is "I'm staying away from it so that I can forget about it and never think about it again". I'm sure that's a good step for him to take, but will he hate me for it later on? Will he go back to doing it later in life when I least expect it? He doesn't seem happy with his decision. What's so confusing to me is that the first time I caught him, he said he was addicted to it. The last time I caught him he said he does it because he really likes chatting. Well, how do I distinguish if it is an addiction or he's doing it on his own free will. I am so confused right now. More than ever. I guess the bottom line is, I don't want to have to worry about him finding another W on the net. What do I do?

2Bornot2B...<P>If he'll have you sit next down to him while he's "chatting"... it's OK....<P>If he doesn't want you there...<BR>...it's <B>not</B>!<P> <P>Jim

I've been seeking ways of how to take care of myself. In hopes to accomplish some self-healing. At this point I have found it difficult to voice my feelings to my H. I know deep inside that I must address these feelings of discomfort, but every time I attempt to say something, this overwhelming feeling of fatigue takes over my body. My therapist says that it could be a sign that my body is telling me that I am not ready to disclose my thoughts to my H, because I may not be ready for the response. <P>I see some sense in what he has told me. Although, I still feel as if a big part of my well-being is corrupted and I still don't know how to fix it. <P>I love my H dearly and I adore the person that he was before all this occured. Can I gain that adoration and trust back. I already know that the love is still there, but all the other aspects are important to me as well. <P>I want to gain a sense of balance in my life again. I don't want to be controlling, yet I also don't want to be a push over. How do I obtain this balance? Any advice?

So many times I've contemplated on leaving my H so that I can just move on. The hardest part of a relationship has me under it's spell. No matter what I do for myself, I can't shake the feeling of my H being with OW. I just can't stand thinking of him giving them pleasure. Why? WHy is this still bothering me? Why can't I learn to trust him again?

I am so glad I saw your post. I feel like we are the same person I have been married for 2 1/2 years, and found out that my husband was chatting with other women on the internet, even signing up on singles dating services. When I contronted "H" he was very remorseful. He told me he didn't know why he had done it. I found out because he left a pile of papers on the kitchen table that I went through. He had printed up profiles of a few women in our area. "H" claims it never went beyond that, and I believe him, but he still does very suspicious things. He has e-mail accounts he will not let me look at, and he looks at internet porn whenever the chance arises. <P>I have talked about this with him several times, and whenever he claims he won't do it again I eventually find something that proves otherwise. It is very hard to believe he will quit when I am constantly finding out the contrary. <P>I, like you, am so sick of it I don't even what to try and salvage the marriage. To make matters worse, he is not working, and we are slowly slipping into dept. He stays up most the night and sleeps until 11:00. What would you think? I, of course, think he is back on the computer doing something he knows hurts me very much. I have even cried about it in front of him. I just don't know what else to do. If you ever need someone to talk to, just let me know and I will give you my e-mail address. <P>By the way, how long have you been married? Do you have any children?

If you ever need someone to talk to, just let me know and I will give you my e-mail address. <P>By the way, how long have you been married? Do you have any children?<P>I am also very happy that I can now talk to someone who is going through the same thing. I would love to talk to you some more. Please give me your e-mail. I just saw your post now, so forgive the late response, I've been trying to keep busy so that I don't think about it so much, but it is so difficult. I would love to hear from you again and share some support. <P>I have been married for about 6 months now. Newlyweds - ha, wish marriage was easier.<P>I'll be waiting to hear from you...<BR>

I set up a generic E-Mail that you can use. It will be so nice to talk to someone who might understand what I am going through. Send me a message anytime at dishonesthusband@hotmail.com

How appropriate is that email address, but as Dogbert had mentioned, our hubbies are probably not doing this to deliberately hurt us. They may have an addiction that we are not familiar with. Some hope and understanding has to be in place somewhere. I, like you, love my husband very much and although their actions may have hurt us, we must stay strong and try to get a better understanding of what they are going through. <BR>I do know the pain and frustration that you are experiencing. From time to time, I find my thoughts are consumed with doubts and confusion. When the clouds clear the sky, somehow there is a ray of light that shines down on me and gives me hope for a better tomorrow. I am destined to live a happy life and I will do all that I can to make that happen. <P>My hopes go out to you as well... <P>BJ

2B-<P>CONGRATULATIONS!!!! YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL RESPONSE TO THIS!!!<P>I know you are hurting. You have a right to be hurting because sexual addictions like this hurt the people you love. Especially the wives. You can be a source of strength because you love him.<P>Have you checked into the book "Pure Desire?"<BR>I have started reading it and it is powerful stuff! It really gets to the core of the issues. Do NOT give up. And give him my email address or print out some of the things I have written. Maybe I could help.<P>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Dogbert:<BR>[B]2B-<P>CONGRATULATIONS!!!! YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL RESPONSE TO THIS!!!<P>__________<P>Thank you Dogbert. <P>__________<P>I went to my councelor last night. I found so much strength in hearing my own words when I was talking to him. I felt an overwhelming sense of my individuality. He kind of gave me an example of a healthy relationship. "Desire for each other, not dependency...". I think I depended so much on my H that whatever he does affects me tremendously. Weather it be happy or sad, I let his actions affect my reactions. I found out that I need not place this dependency on him for I am my own person. He also mentioned that in a relationship, one does not need to think they have to stay in a situation they do not want to be in... Basically, I do not have to be in this relationship, instead, I stay because I 'desire' to be in this relationship. Once that desire is no longer there, and I decide that the relationship is not worth settling for, then I may move on. But the ultimate goal is to live a life that you as a person are most comfortable with.<P>It's really a lot to think about, and I am still at a loss sometimes. I do think a lot about my own self-growth and self-wellness. I don't think I have ever given myself enough credit before and that's why when something goes wrong in my life, I seem to loose touch with reality (logic) and tend to let my emotions run my whole life. Letting my emotions overwhelm me is not a healthy thing to do. Having/Expressing emotions is a natural thing to do, but letting it control your daily life is not... I found this out the hard way. -- I almost completely lost myself in my own depression. I don't want to live a limited life. I want to live a happy and healthy life. No one else can give me that but myself.<P>I just thought I'd share this new found love...Hopefully people can learn that 'YOU' are who 'YOU' are because 'YOU' and only 'YOU' have the power to live YOUR LIFE the way 'YOU' would like to live it...Settling for your own standards and your own values makes for a happy life...<P> BJ

That is nice to hear. I am glad you want to stay with your husband because you love him. That takes the pressure off you.<P>Remember that it is very natural for your emotions to follow the ebb and flow of the emotions of the person you are married to. It is hard to work to separate yourself.<P>Have you as a woman paid attention to your monthly hormone cycle to see how much affect that has on your outlook? I would track that if I were you so when you start to feel run down and bummed you could look and see if you are experiencing hormonal fluctuations.<P>Bet you didn't think I would say that did you?<P>How is your H doing in his struggle?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dogbert:<BR><B><BR>Have you as a woman paid attention to your monthly hormone cycle to see how much affect that has on your outlook? <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I actually have been very aware, as a woman, about the monthly cycle of my hormone changes. In all honesty, I have been careful to watch how I act and what I say when those days of imbalance are coming around. It does help to know when it's the right time to say how I feel and when it's not.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dogbert:<BR><B><BR>How is your H doing in his struggle?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>The answer to this question is: I DON'T KNOW. He doesn't talk to me about it at all. Like I said before, I would have to initiate the conversation, but at this time, I just want to stay away from it (to prevent pushing him further away). I figure that if he wants my help or support, he will ask me or talk to me when he is ready.<P>BJ<P>[This message has been edited by 2Bornot2B (edited October 26, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by 2Bornot2B (edited October 26, 2000).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dogbert:<BR><B> I see how confusing it is.<P>How long ago did he admit to this?<P>What has occured since then to make you have so many doubts about him now?<P>Does he still sneak around?<P>Does he have an Internet filter?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>He admited to it about 4 months ago when I first found out about him having cyber*** with OW. He said that he thinks it's an addiction, so he emailed Dr. Cliff and the response was get into the 12 step program for sexual addiction. My H never did. He never followed up. It was left at that. Then he said he will not ever do it again, he promises and says I'm more important to him than the OW's. He said he didn't want to loose me. Well, IT HAPPENED AGAIN...THEN HE APPOLOGIZED AGAIN...THEN IT HAPPENED AGAIN... Until the point came to my life that I was extremely devastated by the broken promises and said I give up. Not on our relationship, but I gave up on believing he was going to stop, because I became very tired of HIS LIES... I know you're going to say he didn't mean to lie about it, but you know what, he didn't have to promise me anything. I offered my support and he didn't want it. I told him as long as he is truthful, I will open up my mind and try to understand. NO...He did not want to open up...He wanted to keep his secret and continue behind my back. Till' this day, I have not been reassured that he has stopped. I am tired of asking him questions... That's why I came to the conclusion that I may live a better life if I had a chance to start over --- without him.<P>BJ<BR>

BJ-<P>I understand. I wish there was a way to get him to open up again. He will not be healed of this until he deals with the core issues and gets into a program or accountability group (which is better IMO). He feels shame and the last thing he wants to do is tell anyone else about it. That is very common.<P>Take care.