I have been married to my H for 11 years, and<BR>find that our marriage are bored and I dont feel there is love beside responsibilities.<BR>Recently I got to know this guy from internet which is 17 years older than I.<BR>I love him and have been thinking in any way to be with him. He is seperated with his wife.I know I am wrong but I just couldnt stop myself and I dont have any feeling towards my H, though he is trying his best to save our marriage but he refused when I asked him to go for counsellor.<BR>Anyone please help me... what can I do now?<BR>I am lost now.

Take a deep breath first. Think of the pain you will cause. My H before I found out his affair, offered to take me on a business trip, I thought it was too expensive so did not go, he tried to hold me and I was too tired. Now he had an affair, talked about marring her. What a wake up call for me. Now we are in therapy and maybe making progress though he is not living at home. Your H needs a wake up call. I knew our marriage was not the way it should have been. But after 19 years you take it for granted. Think, think, think first. Our children are hurting, our friends are hurting and our families.<BR>Go to therapy by yourself without your H. Once the pain starts it is harder to start over with H. Hope this helps.

First and foremost, Welcome to Marriage Builders,<P>You have come to the right place for support and guidance.<P>Are you familiar with Dr. Harleys principles?<BR>If not I would suggest reading them. They can be found on this website and in his books, they can be purchased on thius site.<P>Please, Please, Please think about what you are contemplating!!<P>Adultry is a destuctive force beyound your wildest dreams. It has ONLY one outcome, PAIN. If you care for your husband, and respect him as a person, stop right where you are. If he is willing, I believe you said he was, find a GOOD councelor. Find out how you have gotton to the point you find yourselves. I truly believe love can be rekindled and new romance found with our spouces. Dr. Harley's principles are very simple, however they do require alot of hard foot work.<P>Keep coming back to this forum. I have never found a more caring, supportive group of people. Post...reply...read.<P>The solutions will come and I believe in time you will be grateful you made the right decisions.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Hello, despair. <P>You said your h is trying to work on the marriage, but he won't go to counseling, did he give you a reason? If he is really trying his best to save the marriage, in what ways is he doing so? Do you think the lack of feeling for your husband stems from just the mundane day to day being together all the time doldrums, or is it something that he's doing in particular to make you feel this way? I know how it can become when a marriage stagnates, but there are lots of things you can do to get it out of this place if that's the only problem. I also know that having an affair is not the answer, because I was there and it only made things 100% worse than before. Do you want this marriage, what do you truly want? Maybe we can start from there.

First of all thanks for the reply i rec'd.<BR>My H knows that my love for him has gone down hill, he tried to make me happy, be sweet to me even he bought me a pair of bears for my birthday (he knows I love bears) that he never done this for the past years. He just refuse to go for conselling because he said, I am the one who change and He has tried his best to help me.And for my side, I tried to love him, but i just couldnt. And I have tried to stop my internet affair, but I cant. I know all these are my fault. I need someone to talk.<BR>And he (my net lover) is always there for me.<BR>PLZ should I really forget him and leave him though I love him so much?<BR>I know that I will hurt my family if I go to him, but .....????<BR>

I hate to be cold.<P>Anything after but is BullSh.. !!<P>Connor made some great points. Look at your marriage as a whole find out what worked in the past. Find out what changed.<P>Does H know about your emotional affair?<P>Don't act on your feelings. Every decision I have made based on my "feelings" made my life worse.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

despair,<P>Bill is so right.... "Don't act on your feelings."<P>Feelings are fleeting...<BR>Your marriage should not be!<P>Ito welcome <B>despair</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>(The following is my basic "welcome wagon spiel...) Use the hyper-link shortcuts... <P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>Look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P><B>Seriously</B> see if these books are available to you... especially <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A>. From this book, I feel you will learn why this Intenet affair will <B>fail</B>... and fail <B>miserably</B>!<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here! Even for waywards... and those considering becoming waywards!<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! Even as a wayward!<P>Remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>We give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Despair,<BR>Everyone is so right! Don't do it! Meeting or going to be with this other man is the worst thing you could do right now. Sure it seems appealing right now, but think about it, how easy it is to be pleasant and nice to someone you only see when you want to, someone you don't have to support and deal with problems. Your net lover could be the biggest creep in the world! Now think about this; how easy is it to love someone who openly says they don't love you, to give them gifts and try to be sweet, when maybe they don't even seem to care....your husband is doing something for you that takes great courage and effort, he is trying to show you his love! Don't give up on him! Do you have children? If you do, do you have any idea of how much it would hurt them if you did this? Please stop and consider how much you could lose. I think you and your H should go to counseling together. Tell him what you want and need from him. If it's conversation he's not giving to you, TELL HIM! Because he really doesn't know how important it is to you.<BR>I really hope you are able to turn around, forget this other man, and give your marriage another chance.

Depair,<P>Welcome to best place in the world to get support for what ails you. You say you need someone to talk to. Talk to us PLEASE.<P>Something my Dad told me a looong time ago,<BR>"Two wrongs don't make a right." Remember that. You will only create more pain and I'm sure that is not what you want. You feel lost and alone and want all those wonderful feelings you had once with someone. That someone was your H and still can be. You fell in love with him once, take inventory of that and look at what made you fall in love with him. You both could have this thrilling feeling again. But you have to work on it together. Sounds as if H is willing. Make your feelings known to him and don't run to this man looking for something he will not be able to give you. He will only take away, <BR>take away your chances of rebuilding your marriage, your image of yourself, and especially if you have childern, think of the pain they will have to endure because you wanted immediate gratification of your feelings and emotions. Your H is right in front of you, take another look at him. Please. Ask God for help and guidance.<P>

Oh Despair!<BR>Here is some advice that I want you to listen to very carefully, PLEASE??? Your story is so similar to mine. There are differences, but let me assure you, I HAVE BEEN THERE! I had an affair after being married approximately the same amount of time as you have, also with a man I met on the internet. Not that it makes a difference where you meet the OP, the consequences that come from the affair are more devistating than you can imagine! I haven't yet told my H about my affair, which is why I come here. To find strength to get my marriage back in order. You will not only hurt your H and family, but what happens to yourself is far more damaging that you will ever imagine. Read the posts made by the Betrayers who are paying now for their mistake! Pay attention to the heartache they suffer and the struggles they must go through to gain back the trust. Pay attention to the way the Betrayed feel. Do you really want your H to feel like that? I'm scared to death to get there! I don't want to go through it, but I know I have to in order to move on and heal this marriage. PLEASE, don't get to this point that I am at. The day I tell my H, will be the the hardest day of my life with many more to follow as we hopefully work things out. I don't want you to go through what I am going through now. The anguish and humiliation and pain is almost more than I can stand at this point. Trust me! You really don't want to be here! Instead, try adding some excitement to your marriage. Do different things with H. Get out together more. Add some spice. He will notice and he will respond. Remember that pebble you throw into the pond creates a ripple that effects all those around you. Make it a positive ripple. Good luck!<p>[This message has been edited by Lacee (edited December 10, 1999).]

thanks for all the advises.. I will try to wake up from my fairy tale's dreams.<BR>Though I am not very sure what I am going to do next????... Try to love my H?...and forget the other?.. All I need is support.<BR>And I am sure that I am gonna to have it here<BR>with everyone here...<BR>

Hi Despair,<P>Welcome aboard! You have come to the right place. Most everyone here is hurting due to some type of affair. Read some of the posts and you will begin to understand the depth of the pain. It is destructive in more ways than you probably realize right now. Please think before you leap. This is a decision that will have a huge impact on the rest of your life (as well as those around you). Educate yourself. Read the stuff that NSR was so kind to bring over into his post.<P>God bless you.

Despair, I know from first hand experience what you're going through. I had been married for 15 years. I felt just like you. All I saw was responsibility with my work, my wife, and my 3 children. I loved them but yet I felt I was just so weighted down. I wanted to be young and passionate again. I am a musician and started finding myself having lots of opportunities for an affair. I became emotionally and then physically involved with a women 17 years younger than me. We had an initial affair for a couple of months and then a long, 2 year, on and off again relationship. As a Christian, I couldn't handle the guilt so I began abusing alcohol, sleeping pills, and some other drugs I will not mention. I was on a one way ticket to oblivion! I started seeing a therapist and was diagnosed "bi-polar" and got on mood stabilizers. That helped somewhat but I still had these over-whelming feelings for her that I couldn't shake. The truth is I'll probably always have these feelings. But the TURTH is these feelings are not real! THEY ARE FANTASY! It was easy for me to love this OW because I didn't really know her. I only spoke to her on the phone and occasionally we would get together. I'm convinced I could be in love with hundreds of thousands of women if I didn't have to go through everyday life with them. Despair, first and foremost you need to get some professional help. I can tell you from my experience you're going to need it. Second, if you can't stop this relationship on your on, NOW! you need to tell your husband about it. In my case until I told my wife the truth my life was an accident just waiting to happen. I had to tell her about EVERYTHING! The OW, the drugs, the porn, EVERYTHING! It wasn't fun but we started seeing a counselor together and went through Dr. Hartley's book and it's been absolutely AMAZING! The feelings I thought would never return are there but even more amazing I have feelings that I never ever had before. I know when you're in the middle of this you can't see any hope. You can't imagine yourself ever having feelings for him again. BUT YOU CAN! IT CAN WORK! This episode has been the most humbling, humiliating experience of my life but it has really turned out to be something that has saved our marriage. There obviously are some problems in you marriage. So what, everybody's marriage has problems and if you lived with this guy for more than a month you'd have problems with him too. I know it's hard but try to stop and think about reality! God, I really feel for you and now that I'm on the other side it's so easy to see the obvious. I know it's not easy for you. I'm going to pray for you and your husband today. I hope you learn something from reading my mistakes. God Bless.

Despair,<P>you are definitely in the right place!<BR>Okay, I know it's hard to break contact, but if you don't, your mental health is going to suffer. I've been married 5 yrs, always felt there was something missing. My EA with OM shook me up, and I realized that no matter how much I loved him, I needed to work on my marriage or I would just be avoiding the real problems. I have only cut off contact about a month now. Hate it, but OM encouraged me to work on my marriage, I am lucky and that has made it easier, knowing that he understands. So here I am, called to make my first counseling appointment last night. H won't go, says it's my problem, feels he's doing the best he can. We did do the emotional needs questionnaire together, that was something. But I need to go to counseling for myself. I still honestly can't say whether this will work, nor do I know if I've waited so long to actually try to solve my unhappiness that I no longer want to try. BUT, by taking these steps, cutting off contact, the questionnaire, open talking, & now going to counseling, I feel better just knowing that I'm trying. I am not going to just walk away, that's the easy way out. Don't think I could last as long as some of the people here, but if you don't try you'll always wonder & never solve the root of the problem.<BR>Be strong. You said OM is alwyas there for you. Well, so are we! Turn here when you need someone. We'll be here.