So much to say. I found out a week ago and I have been crushed ever since. She won't let go of the OM. I know she has only seen him once for a weekend when she went out of town but they are already making life plans. He says he is prepared to take on my 2 children support and care for all of them. We are in counseling but I feel she is waiting until she is strong enough to leave me. The hugs the kisses the I LOVE YOU's are a labor for her to get out.<P>I know she has feelings for him but she won't give us a try after being married 11years and 2 children later she seems determined to make her new life with this OM. <P>She was asking for more passion and romance in our relationship before this all happened. When I asked her what that meant she couldn't tell me so I was confused. I know I prolly said the wrong thing a lot of times but she makes it look like she's leaving and no amount of effort will bring her back.<P>She says she is still confused and it hurts her to see me in pain but I have asked and told her I didn't want her talking to OM and she still is. I know they are corresponding via e-mail a lot and talking on the phone every once in a while. <P>Should I stick with this and hope she comes around with time? I realize it is still sudden for both of us. I have done the flowers and she says I am trying too hard, are their any other tips? I have left her notes on the computer and in e-mails. I want to stay with this woman but she is not making it easy for me to want to try. <P>I also feel that if we do break up I will take the kids. I am not letting some OM raise my children. I refuse to fathom that. I will not deny them there mother but I am not at all pleased with her judgement. I can't fault her love for the children but I doubt she would be a good stable parent alone with what I have seen from her. I know if I tell her this it will crush her and prolly ruin whatever chance we have at staying together, so should I tell her my intentions? We are going to our 2nd CS tomorrow.<P>Patience is the hardest part cause I want it to work and it just doens't feel like it is.<P>Nlght

Welcome <B>Nlght</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do read all you can from my <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post...<P>Do start on a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...also for the mechanics check out...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>!<P>Do get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> An Affair"(SAA)</A>... and read it!<P>If your counselor isn't following (or using MB concepts)... consider... having a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Prayers... <P> <P>Jim

I have a few more thoughts. I want to get into her e-mail and I know I can do this. I know they are talking back and forth and I want to know what is on her mind when she is talking with this OM. I feel like I am walking on eggshells and 2 weeks ago I would have trusted her with the world and never questioned it. Now I feel like I have to look through everything for answers to my questions. <P>Should I let it go and take whatever happens or should I take the look and not talk about what I see? Or should I look and if what I find is too much to let go confront her with it and tell her how I got it?<P>I know it is sneaky but I am SOOO tempted to look. Maybe I am seeking out this pain so I can put her behind me. <P>I keep asking if she thinks it will work and she says she doesn't know. I feel like she knows and is too scared to tell me. <P>I want to be strong, I want to have faith, I want to be patient but I don't know if I can. It is sooo difficult.<P>I keep up the nice talking, the little gifts, and she says she appreciates it but I can see she keeps holding back her felings for me, and I WANT IT TO STOP!!!!!!<P>Still hurting<BR>Nlght<BR>

Nlght<P>I would offer the same suggestion as NSR, Right now don't do anything drastic....READ READ READ! These books that Dr. Harley wrote are Excellent they will give you a direction to go. I know right now you are in emotional turmoil - I was there just a little over a year ago.<P>My H had everything planned out as far as what him and the OW were going to do to spend the rest of their lives together. <P>I want to tell you that there is hope for your marriage. Right now Please order the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley it will walk you through what your W is going through in her mind right now and will let you know what you can do to save the marriage. Best of Luck and God Bless you!!!<P>

OK it is on order. I am sure I will be back checking this thread.

Well we are still talking and I am still sending her nice things. We had a very good talk yesterday and I thought she was coming around. I told her that she couldn't keep talking with OM and that if she was truely trying she would stop. She agreed and told me that if she let me emotioanlly hurt her her again that she would never be able to forgive herself. I felt better after the conversation that lasted over an hour and I thought she did too. <P>I got nosey and decided i would get a program that let me know what she was doing. I found out that she is still communicating her love for this person and that is making me angry. I found out she is using Zone Messaging to talk with him and I got her paswords to all her accounts. I know everything she says to him and I don't see a change yet. <P>Should I push it aside and continue with the niceties or confront her again and ask her again to stop?<P>Her mother flew in yesterday and they have been spending a lot of time together wich may be good since she doesn't agree with what her daughter is doing.<P>It is still all fresh and I am hurtting still. Dr. has me on anti-depressants now. I lost my job over this and that isn't helping matters either. <P>I am soo frustrated cause I can't say or do anything to change her mind.

Nlght,<P>Keep on plugging away with Plan A...<BR>...it's not easy ... but it's for the best!<P>I'd still say you need to let her know your feelings, due to what she is doing...<BR>...honesty is important!<P>When you let your W know, do it carefully...<BR>...see <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002262.html" TARGET=_blank>How to say my feelings without it being a LB </A>... and I mean all of it!<P>Give up the idea the you can change her mind...<BR>Put the emphasis on YOU!...<BR>...becoming a better spouse<BR>...getting a job<BR>...being there for the kids<BR>...etc.<P> <P>Jim