help me please, just found out H is has been having an affair for about 9 months. married 20 years and 3 kids. H says he is going to end it today, but i don't think he can. said he wants to keep family together. told he he cannot have both. he works out of town during week. has been staying with her for a few months i think during the week. anyone with advice or comments, your help would be appreciated.

Welcome <B>scared in gj</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>...you're light on details...<BR>...fill us in some more when you get a chance.<P>see...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000037.html" TARGET=_blank>New Roll Call</A>...and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000254.html" TARGET=_blank>Profiles</A><P>Do start on what we call <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...check out the mechanics at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>... and read it!<P>For him to "end it"... he'll need some help (usually)...<BR>...I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>You have my prayers... <P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited September 29, 2000).]

Dear Scared,<P>I also live in gj. If you would like to email me, my address is tygergurl@aol.com. <P>Follow the guides that Jim left for you and read, read, read. There are ways you can give your marriage the best chance for reconciliation. I have been posting here at MB for almost 2 months now and the help here has been tremendous!<P>I hope to hear from you.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn<P>One masculine need comes to mind which wives should not fail to heed. It reflects what men want most in their homes -- tranquility. Love for a Lifetime p.45

where to start. i knew we were having problems because we stopped talking about things. just work and kids. i asked, pleaded, and asked again for him to please talk to me and tell me what was going on. this all started last year. the last five years have been extremely hard on us. his parents both died within a year of each other. his mom unexpently and his dad after a long illness. he has always worked out of town and it was fine. i now realize that was a mistake, we were not being a family. each time i tried to talk to him he told me every thing would be ok. hard to talk to some one who won't talk back. the OW he met in another town he was staying in during the week. I think she has been a person he could talk to and i think she knew he was vunerable. according to him, she did not know he was married until after they had had sex a couple of times. then he told her she was married and she said she would not see him anymore. she stayed away for about a week and we were starting to talk. we went on a family vacation, we had fun, he was same old guy, then two weeks ago i could tell he was just not enjoying being home . the worst is right now. he is supposed to be telling her he is coming back to the family. he says he is still in love with me and hates what he has done and that he wants to work it out. i am afraid that when he sees her he will stay tonight even though he said he was coming home. the kids are naturally really upset with their dad right now. i don't know what to do. let him go to her and live with her and wait to see if he comes home. or what? Monday after we had talked he went back to work and said he was staying with a friend. Ya he was, her. At least this morning he told me the truth about that. I asked if i could go with him, get the rest of his stuff but he said no he had to do it this way. I keep asking God for strength and help. I have some people praying for me to. I have a friend who told me he and his wife had affairs. they decided to work things out and they now have a better and stronger marriage but that it was going to be difficult, but that if we really tried we could do it. How to you try if he won't end the affair. What to do, wait til it dies a natural death. He did not tell her he was coming home, he just told her we talked. Now he is lying to both of us.I can do this and if worst comes to worst Divorce I can handle that. I have to for the kids. I just hate the not knowing what is happening. Any advice?

i probably dont give better advice than some of the veterans her but i'll give it a go. <P>Fist of all, time to get in to Plan A. If you haven't read the material or the book Surviving an Affair start now! Let him know you want the marriage. Make his home blissful. Let his see you for the understanding, caring person that you are. <P>I prayed a lot. I claimed my marriage every day when I got up. He may not leave her right away. No contact is the best route to go. You will see that in the book and on these boards. He may not be receptive at first but just keep up the Plan A. If he is saying that he wants to be with you, make it as pleasant as possible. He may go through withdrawal at first and dont expect him to meet your needs right away. Your first priority right now is getting him to commit to only you. Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.<P>stick around. the weekend is kind of slow here but will pick back up on monday.

you want to know what the worst was. she looked him up and he let her back in. We went to a funeral for a long time friend to day and we stopped at his parents grave. he had to go back to work and he told me he would be home tonight but had to stop and tell her it's over. he said he would be home late. also said he would not sleep with her. don't know what to believe, what really bites is he called me last friday and told me over the phone he wasn't coming home and that he had to get away and think about things.. i asked if there was a woman he said yes. But he has to be more considerate of her. he did say he was coming home but it would be late. i feel that i a loosing. but i truly belive he loves me and wants to try but she has a hold on him and i don't know how to break it. I have the book How to Survive and affair. have read it twice in 2 days and had him read the part about how to end an affair. we need time together to start. He has the book now. Seems to me the gist of plan a is to get him to stop seeing her.

Dear Scared,<P>Part of Plan A is to make an attempt at ending the affair. It is difficult, if not impossible, to reconcile until it's over -- with no further contact. You are experiencing that already. <P>Your H is confused right now. He seems to be bouncing back and forth between you and her and doesn't know for sure which way to go. It does sound like he loves you and wants to try to work things out and you need to help him realize that is the best thing for him by learning how to Plan A. <P>Plan A also teaches that we, as the Betrayed Spouse (BS), need to stop Love Busting (LB) and do all we can to fulfill Emotional Needs (EN). You will get more of what those are by reading more info from this site. It's all here. Another thing about Plan A is that its about working on you -- your confidence, your esteem, your joy. When you have these things in your life, you are happier with yourself, better adjusted to handle what comes, and you actually will be more attractive to your spouse.<P>"Happiness is a marvelous magnet to the human personality." Love Must Be Tough, p.179<P>Keep reading. There is much for you to learn. And, it takes time and patience. As your friends told you, it is very difficult but the reward may be a stronger, happier marriage. <P>Hang in there, Scared, and let us know how things are going.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn<P>One masculine need comes to mind which wives should not fail to heed. It reflects what men want most in their homes -- tranquility. Love for a Lifetime p.45

scared,<P>you've read the book and know that he is in the"fog" right now. Plan A will help you feel more sane and at the same time help him to get his needs met at home instead of with OW. He sounds like that is what he may be looking for. You just have to be consistant with your plan A. because he is in the fog, he may not see it now. He may go back and forth trying to end things with the other woman. eventually he will realize that no contact is the only sure way to end things. I know that it is extremely painful and frustrating to have to wait for these things to happen. When it is finally over and you are in recovery, you will realize how to make your marriage better than it ever was. I hope that this was coherent. I felt as if i was rambling.<P>cleo<BR>

Dear Scared,<P>I've been thinking about you and wondering how things are going. Did he come home yet? I hope so.<P>Post and let me know that you're doing okay.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn<P>One masculine need comes to mind which wives should not fail to heed. It reflects what men want most in their homes -- tranquility. Love for a Lifetime p.45

H called today said he was on his way home. Said it was over. I asked us or her. He said her. So relieved i started shaking. has told me how sorry he was for all the pain he has put me through. i said a prayer to God to thank him for his help in this matter. H has decided not to live out of town while working. Will drive it every day. It will be hard but he said he forget just how much he loved me. Thanks for your helpful suggestions and support. Told him i would do what i could to help us both to rebuild marriage, but that he had to be honest and not see or talk to her at all. Will keep you posted. Any suggestions on how to proceed now. He is reading book, i think to will help us to not fall into the old patterns again. I know it will be a long road, but i am hopeful. kids are happy dad will be home every night. Thanks to everyone. Look forward to reading more insights.<BR>Scared in GJ<BR>

Dear Scared,<P>I'm so happy for you! It sounds like you have a wonderful chance to rebuild your marriage.<P>I would suggest that the two of you go to counseling. Even though the A is over, there are still lashback effects and dealing with the circumstances that led to it in the first place. Counsel with the Harley's if possible, they're awesome.<P>DO keep coming here. As you rebuild your marriage you will still need support and encouragement. There will still be ups and downs -- I'm sure you know it's not going to be just "happily ever after" from this day forward. You both have work to do. <P>Your H may go through some withdrawal from OW -- try not to let it upset you -- it's normal. Just try to be supportive and learn all you can about fulfilling your H's ENs, and hopefully he is also willing to learn how to fulfill yours. Memorize the Four Rules and POJA and live by them.<P>You have this chance to have a marriage better than it ever was before. Go for it! Just remember that it will take time and patience -- be persistent and consistent.<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn<P>Marriage is not built on convenience, success, health, or prosperity. It is a covenant between two people who are loved by God. -Dekruyter

Update-H just left for work. Major revelations last night. Seems I have now discovered 1st EN of his. He hated to see me loose my zest for life. After birth of third child I stopped taking chances and having fun. Go figure. At least now I am armed. H still in fog even now that he is at home. Says he will be home for dinner. I am hurt because I have to help OW pay her rent this month. H was honest and told me. She called him and said she was in bind. Pls help. HURTS. but at least H is being honest. Says he still doesnt know what to do. Some comfort that he will be coming home tonight. Also H is riding to work with cousin. He has been in my situation. H can at least talk to someone other than OW and me. Not the same as counselor but take what I can get at this time. Sorry to ramble but early in morning and still need to take care of business of the kids. Remember still coming home - wrote her letter - hopefully no more contact with her - and can now talk with third party about this situation.<BR>thanks to all. Trying to remember Plan A, Plan A.<BR>scared in gj

scared,<P>why does he HAVE to help pay her rent? does she not have anyother support/family?<P>cleo

Seems she moved into a new apt and she was under the impression that H would be staying with her during week. Until he told me of the affair. I think he wanted me to tell him to leave but I did not and I would like to make this work. He said he gave her the letter and that she is hurt. My LB reply was I am so sorry, how do you think I feel. They have known for months what they were doing to me, but I only found out last week. I feel like we take a step forward and two back sometimes. He told me OW ejoys life and doesn't let anything get her down. Of course not she is seeing my husband. Just give me strength to make it through today.<BR>Scared<BR>

Dear Scared,<P>You are doing great. Just keep up with Plan A. The cards are in your favor at this point, be careful not to tip the scales back the other way.<P>I can see why it would hurt that he feels obligated to help her pay rent. It may be better to go along with it -- JUST THIS MONTH. Make it clear to him that there will be no more financial help for her. Contact must be stopped completely for the two of you to rebuild your marriage. Do your very, very best not to LB over this situation. It's hard, I know, but you have to be strong.<P>So he likes someone with a zest for life, huh? That's going to be a little tough because of what you have just been through, but you are going to have to do your best.<P>Start with some affirmations to yourself. Find some of your favorite inspirational and motivational quotes and write them on post-it notes. Paste them everywhere! In your car, your kitchen, your bedroom, your bathroom. Read them often and take the words to heart. <P>Don't let this be a substitute for healing though. The two of you still need to seriously consider counseling to sort out each of your feelings and have solid ground on which to build.<P>Sit down and write down some goals -- you, and you and your husband together. Open up to each other -- talk, share, cry, dream. Let this experience bring you closer than ever before.<P>Scared, you have an awesome opportunity ahead of you. Explore every possibility for creating a great life for you and your family!<P><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers,<BR>KristyAnn<P>Marriage is not built on convenience, success, health, or prosperity. It is a covenant between two people who are loved by God. -Dekruyter

10/12/00 H just called. he had been coming home every night for the last week. Saw OW today and called to say he was not coming home. He is with OW. Said he would come home Sat. and get his stuff. Question am I still i Plan A or have I moved to Plan B. What steps to i take to protect me and the kids from becoming homeless. Is it too soon to get legal papers to protect us monetarly. I cannot pay all our bills on my wages alone. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated ASAP. <BR>Thanks<BR>Scared

Please contact a lawyer ASAP so you can get some financial support for yourself.<P>Stay in Plan A as long as possible. There may still be hope.

scared,<P>I never got to Plan B, so I can't give personal advice on that. I agree with seeing a lawyer right away. Has your H said anything about finances? Seems to me that if he doesn't pony up that would constitute abandonment. <P>cleo

10/13 H left message. Will be home Sat to "talk". he did put money in account on Thursday. I would like to think that what he said about still loving me is true. Thur he said he was weak. Some powerful hold OW has on him. He talked about getting some of his stuff and moving out. I presume with her. I think I should just let him go and let him see if the "grass is really greener" and if she is all that. I believe H is unhappy and this person seems to make him feel better. Will see what he has to say Tomorrow. Right now I don't feel that I can believe anything he is saying to me.<BR>I will log on Sat or Sun and let you know what happens.<BR>Thanks for the support.<BR>

scared,<P>You can still do a strong Plan A. You dont have to believe everything he says. We already know that he is not going to tell the truth. You will see the truth through his actions.<P>Yes, he is in a "fog" and OW probably has some sort of hold on him. I can tell you though from my experience that a Strong Plan A will be noticed. He might not make any outward moves to acknowledge that but he will surely make a mental note of it. This is what happened to my husband and I did not find out about it until after he decided he wanted to stay with me. It's not to late. <BR>I'll be looking for your update this weekend.<P>cleo