My wife moved out 9 weeks ago. she complained of me putting everything else in front of her needs. Worked on everything else but us. She asked for separation shortly after friends of ours(married couple) decided to split up. My wife came home from talking him out of his depression to tell me that he told her months ago he loves her and she had feelings for him too. I was in shock for at least 3 weeks. felt like I had to at least save my time with the kids. My wife decided she would move in with him after his wife moved out. My wife stayed in our home for 3 weeks before moving out. We slept in same bed without any more than me giving her hugs or kiss on cheek. I thought we were all over, and even that bit of closeness was something. I wish I had read the books then. I would have tried talking to her. I think at the time though she was so disconected that she didn't want to talk. Maybe she thought I didn't care she was leaving. I can see now how much I love her and have told her that I love her more now than before. I owned up to my shortcomings,ie communication, not sharing my thoughts with her as I should have. Trying to solve her problems when all she needed was someone to listen to her. I was working night shift for most if our married life. This left her home watching kids with <BR>man next door while his wife worked nights.<BR>Nothing happend for past 6 years with them except they got good at talking together. I think this also affected our ability to talk because we were having a harder time talking, she would get so frustrated with me.<BR>I have been as nice as I could be (most of the time)to her and the last few weeks she has warmed up to me and even said she thought we could be good friends after this.<BR>I dropped off things at her/his place for the kids and he was home, and came out to talk to me. I was calm and talked. I told him I wanted to work on getting back together with her and that I loved her more than ever. He told me he loves her too, how great she is, and how she is everything his wife was not. He told me that who ever she dosen't pick is going to be hurt. I told him this wasn't a game and she didn't have to pick either one of us. He didn't seem to understand that comment. Before I left, I asked a Question I shouldn't have. I asked if they had been intimate, he said yes. I<BR>left and felt cut in two. It only took me about 3 minutes to realize I still wanted her back. I called her later that night to pass on a phone message and mentioned that I ran into HIM and we talked. He was keeping it from her. I didn't call her the next day, but on following day told her some of what He and I talked about, I told I was sorry for asking the question, and his answer, if true didn't change my feelings for her. I told her I would always love her and wanted to work on our relationship and get back together. But I didn'd want to be the other man in her life. There would come a point that I would have to step back and leave them alone. I would have the kids half the time, and stay out of her life as much as possible. I said she deserves one man who is there for her, and loves her. We have done alot of talking past 11 days. Sometimes we start to get angry but I have been trying to keep it in check. I know I am going on long , and have more details that I can put here, but I am wondering what else to do..help..<p>[This message has been edited by Daniel (edited October 01, 2000).]

Welcome <B>Daniel</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<BR>Now is <B>not</B> the time to have any conversations with the OM...<BR>...period.<P>Get working on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...see the mechanics at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>!<P>It may be time to seriously consider counseling for yourself!<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Do get and read the book...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>.<P>Post, read, and eply when it makes sense to you!<P>Prayers... <P> <P>Jim

I am going to counseling. I feel like I am getting better. I use to feellike my wife was doing this to me, and didn't care how much it hurt me. Now I think it was more to save herself from more hurt. How I felt about it wasn't as important as her feeling better. I don't think she even left to start a intimate relationship with him. She was able to move out into a house and pay a small amount to live there and have room for the kids etc. till things were more settled. She asked me if we could sell the house. I know now that is one of the problems. The house costs us too much money, upkeep time, and time spent finishing it. It probably seemed like I had a relationship with the house. I know it has to go, I can separate from the house without a problem.<BR>The conversation with the OM was not planned and looking at it now should not have happened. One thing it brought out though was that he would hide it from her, she heard it from me, not him. When asked wouldn't tell her what was said till she asked about specific items. I told her that I was more upset with myself for neglecting her needs than I was at him for filling them.<BR>I wasn't mad at her for needing those needs met, I should have been there for her,. I made the mistake and I want to correct it now. <P>I told her that I know she needs time to work things out, but I also wanted her to know how I felt so she could take that information into account.<P>I do need to work on plan A I see I jumped the gun. I also noticed that for the first time since she moved out, she called me time after time to discuss what I had said and what went wrong in our marriage. I admitted the mistakes I made and what I would do differently. I pointed out areas that needed work to make sure her needs were met.<BR>We had productive talks. Talks that were done when she was not with HIM. She helped me with duties at our church,(spread out over 4 days) and seemed to enjoy herself. I thanked her for the good time I had with her. One thing I learned from OM was that he is jelous of the time she spends with me,and the 14 year history with her.I pointed out that with the kids, we will have ties together for years to come.He was scared when I said she might not pick either one of us. He asked if this was just a game she was playing. I said I didn't know. He seems to be wondering if he will end up loosing both women in his life, and daughter.<BR>My couseler said I should not talk to him any more than I have to. He is not my friend. <BR>The thing I need to do most is let every contact with her and every action I do show her my love and care for her and our kids.<BR>I can't let any anger or jelousy out. It can't even exist, or it will show. <BR>My wife says it could take a long time, then she asks if we really need to sell the house, or some other comment that shows she is thinking of getting back together.<BR>

It sounds like you have a good counselor...<P>...always bounce off the MB concepts with him/her(counselor)...<P>Keep up with a good Plan A.<P> <P>Jim

We have been making headway this week. We have both been able to be kind to each other. My wife dropped off the kids wednesday night instead of having them ride the bus home. We were able to talk. I made a mistake the next morning, forgot to check if kids had everything they needed.. my daughter forgot the fruit she needed for class. My wife had to drive 8 miles each way<BR>and drop it off. I thought about it on my way to work and called the school. They said my wife had already dropped it off. I called her to apoligize. I was able to be sincere and not use any other way out, I made a mistake, no excuses. she said it was OK. Tonight(fri) she called me to say she was out of prescription for son and forgot to tell me to bring the bottle I had. I didn't get mad or drag it out I just hopped in the car and ran it in to her. I feel that this little thing has shown me we can remain calm and are trying harder to respect each other. It may not sound like much but we were cooperating, working together. This makes me feel more optomistic. <P>I could go on and on but better let go now.

Just an update.. My wife and I are talking now more, mostly phone. Sometimes as many as 3-4 times a day. There is a warmth in her voice that wasnt't always there. I also have been doing better with working out differences. I also found that if I let her know something would help me and I appreciate it, she likes to help. Like when we were deciding what nights the kids would spend with me. I had a couseler appt. on tue. so I let her know I get back from them later than normal night and could she do me a favor and have the kids come over wed. instead. She was happy to do it because I was upfront, the kids stayed with her another night, and they didn't have to set home an extra hour waiting for me. I am working hard at keeping up scheduling appts.and school and church functions. something I always left to her before. I also gently remind her when things are coming up. I am trying to be aware of her more too.Haircut, perm, lost some weight, looks good. She is the one I love and I need her to see it more than me just saying it.<BR> I have to hear what she is saying and why she is saying it. She does seem to notice.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NSR:<BR><B>It sounds like you have a good counselor...<P>...always bounce off the MB concepts with him/her(counselor)...<P>Keep up with a good Plan A.<P> <P>Jim</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I come back to read what I have written before. sometimes I laugh and sometimes I am reassured that I will be OK. Yes I do have a good counseler. He listens, and makes me think when I talk. I have to stay focused.<BR>The thing I like the best is that what i say stays with him. I'm not betraying a trust to family or friends. He also doesn't have a bias towards me, is trying to help me help myself get better/stronger. I wish people weren't so afraid to go. Keep telling them to just go. It helps take a weight off your shoulders. <P><BR>

This past week has been up and down. My back was killing me, and made it harded to be "upbeat and warm". I had some grouchy days,and needed to explain to wife they weren't because of her, and say I was sorry. On Tue. and Thur. our daughter had a band concert and then a orchestra concert. My wife was very on edge Tue. and I had to work at not making her mad of upset. When she was getting ready to leave. the kids lined up to get goodbye kiss from her, so I leaned towards her for one and she kissed me too.<BR> By Thur. she called me 2 times to ask questions, and just talk. Later I called her, she asked why and I said I just wanted to hear her voice and I miss talking to her(all true). I found out she would be walking into her chiropractor appt. as I was walking out of mine so I picked up a single pink rose bouquet for daughter at concert and a red one for my wife and left it on her car with a nice note. She didn't say much about it but I know she liked it and I have to keep letting her know I still think of her and love her. I sent some cookies home with her. She was shocked, I've only baked <BR>cookies 2-3 in 10 years. I needed a treat for work so thought I would do this to show myself I can. I have had to step out of my comfort zone to be better and feel like I am alive and growing. I think it is something my wife needs to see too. I just have to keep my mood up and not get down on myself. I still have alot that is good. I can't give up on either of us.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Daniel (edited October 22, 2000).]

Keep it up...