I don't know what to say or how to start, but I'm just going to start at the beginning.<P>My wife and I have been married for almost 9.5 years. We have no children. About a year ago she told me that we have marital problems. I wanted to go to a counselor, but she didn't want to go because she was depressed and stressed about the situation and did not want to be pushed. She said that the intamacy and romance in our marriage is gone and that her love for me has faded. I went to the book store and bought a few books and read them.<P>I realized that I had been taking her for granted and was selfish in the fact that we did what I always wanted to do. At first, she would get mad because I was trying to fix our relationship and she wanted her space and time to heal. I felt that not taking care of the problem right away would just hurt matters worse.<P>Around Christmas time, she was chatting a lot with a guy friend on-line. She had been e-mailing this guy for the past 3 years, since probably 1997 sometime. I did not like the communication between them and I couldn't tell my wife not to stop because he was a friend from about 11 years ago and she thought that I was just being jealous. This guy friend was my wife's sister's old boyfriend. Her parents loved the guy just like they love me. Her parents thought it was a shame when the sister dumped that "great" guy. At Christmas time, I could sense things were more than just friends. I asked her about it and my wife said that they are just friend, though she does have feelings for him. I told her to forget about him and focus on us because he lives 1000 miles away and your just infatuated with him because we are not doing so well.<P>I have been trying all year to make things right, but she just won't give me a chance. About a month ago, she suggests that she needs to get her own appartment so she can be alone and to see if I'm the one that she wants. I confronted her again about this other guy and she has been e-mailing him and still has feeling for him.<P>About two weeks ago, I was able to figure out her e-mail password. This really hurts. I printed every love e-mail that she had saved. She misses him and wants to go see him. He tells her that he loves her and that everything in life happens for a reason. He told her that getting her own place would be great because they could talk with each other uninhibited at any time and the sexual encounters they could have during visits. I know she can't afford to move out and I don't want her to. I love her with all my heart and somewhere down deep inside I belive she loves me.<P>I have been talking to her trying to get her to admit somethings without her knowing I know what her e-mails say. She still says she wants to leave so she can be alone and think things through. I believe its a lie. I found a list of good and bad things about each of us. Of course, his good list is longer than mine and his bad list is shorter than mine.<P>I am hurt, angry, sad and in love all at the same time. I believe that she plans to leave me in the future and get together with this guy. I think that she thinks that her parents won't feel so bad about her if she dumps me and gets together with this other "great" guy.<P>What should I do? I have been trying for a year to prove that I am a good husband and it goes in one ear and out the other. I know I must confront her with this list and pile of e-mails. I'm not a vialent person and don't yell much, but I'm afraid that once I confront her with this stuff I will explode emotionally. I would never hit her, so don't worry about that, but I feel like blasting her with this information and then telling her parents what an @#&* and S.O.B. this guy is so it ruins her plans, if these plans exist. I know Plan A says not to have angry outburst, and be demanding, etc. But, I don't know if I can confront her calmly.<P>I can forgive an emotional affair, but I don't think I can forgive a physical affair.<P>I need suggestions! Someone please help me save my marraige. She's my world and I love her with all my heart.

Welcome <B>ihurt</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>It sounds like you've read a little about Plan A...<BR>Do check out... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>Forgiveness <B>is</B> and important issue...<BR>check out...<BR><B>Web sites..</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P><B>Books...</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><P><B>Links to posts...</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000076.html" TARGET=_blank>Can I forgive?????</A>…..indy032…..1/31/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003319.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness.....</A>…..just_me…..6/5/2000<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006615.html" TARGET=_blank>How to rebuild my spouse's trust?</A>…..redman…..8/23/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000274.html" TARGET=_blank>Things my husband did to rebuild trust</A>…..HGBrawner…..3/17/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002831.html" TARGET=_blank>on knowing the "truth" </A>…..loveWASblind=lWb/popeye…..5/9/2000<P>I would recommend that you(yourself if your W won't join you) have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P> <P>Jim

The more you allow this affair to be secret the more difficult it is going to be to reconcile with your wife. The fog that she is in will lift only when she sees that you know what is going on. At this point she still sees you as backup if her relationship with this other OM fails. However, if she sees that you know the truth and that if she leaves she may be destroying her marriage she will be forced to think more seriously about the consequences. If you feel that speaking to her about the affair may cause you to explode think about writing her a letter informing her about your knowledge about the affair and your desire to save your marriage because you love her. If she persists about wanting to leave you to be with this OM my advice is to use the tough love approach that Dr.J. Dobson recommends in his book "Love Must be Tough". One of the points in his book is that your wife must not feel like her marriage is like a cage in which she is trapped. The point being that you did not force her to marry you and you would not want her to stay with you unless she wants to. At the same time you cannot tolerate her committing adultery and stay married to her. If her choice is to have an affair than she has to accept the consequence of you divorcing her even though you would want to save the marriage. Tough love is treating each with respect and not accepting disrespectful behaviour from a betraying spouse that will cause emotional abuse.<p>[This message has been edited by max (edited October 02, 2000).]

NSR and Max,<BR>Thank you for your comments. I have been reading everything I can on this site. I have not confronted her yet on the e-mails and me knowing about this internet affair. I guess I'm scared to confront her at this moment because I know she'll bet mad about me invading her privacy (e-mail account) and I'm not sure about the best approach to confront her. I believe I can manage my emotions when I confront her, but just when. I guess there is no right time to do it, I just have to do it!<P>I feel like getting this secret out, but I don't want to embarass her in the eyes of her family. Or, is this embarassment something she may need to jolt her back into reality.<P>any comments would be apprciated.