I posted this on the Gen Q forum, before I realized this forum was available, sorry if there is confusion, Fury<P>Hi, all DDay was Aug 20th, when my H forgot to sign out his email and I found tons of saved emails from OW. I copied as many as i could. I really couldnt believe what I was reading, but OW is married and complaining of the usual "I'm not happy in that marriage, but I know my life w/you would be different" crap. I waited til after he took his boards because they had planned to meet on a holiday weekend. Funny that he was begging me to see my mother that same weekend, I came up with an excuse. The OW is in another state, so when we moved, I noticed the increase in calls to a particular pager number and home number. I found out the OW name and address,also found U/S with her name on it. To shorten the story, I confronted him about the email. He said he doesnt know about it and why did I hold on to it. " Yeah he was trying to psych me out" He swore to me that nothing was going on. I said that didnt explain his moodiness, and change of sex habits over the past few months. I let him know that he hasnt satisfied my doubts. He said he wanted to work it out and started communicating more. I went to counseling, which really helped. After a while, He wasnt calling OW as much, or i guess he was calling her from the hospital. H has refused counseling, pastoral counseling, and he doenst pray w/ me. I've told a few friends for support. But it's hard being in a new town w/ no friends and not sure when the other shoe will drop. I havent found a job, but because of this, mentally, I'm not sure if I can handle it. Mainly our conversations have been superficial. I've tried to make sure the place is clean, so I won't aggravate him. I'm trying to be normal , but it's difficult dealing w betrayal. I'm hurt, angry, you name it...., Right now I'm just numb. It just hurts, we've been married 5yrs. I don't know why he couldnt fess up. The other day, he asks me if we where to break up, would I take him back? I said I couldnt deal with it. H says that he feels he's lost the spark, but it's not like it's about another woman. Yeah right! I told him if you want to break up then you shouldve been man enought to tell me before I quit my job and moved out here with you. i told him that I've been upfront an honest and that he has been confiding to someone other than your W. I pretty much asked him what he wanted to do. he said he didnt know. well, that's not an answer. I asked him why he couldnt confide to a counselor, H said he didnt believe in such measures- my H is a doc, so this makes sense?<BR>I'm still trying to decide what to do, I feel lost and in shock. I did everything I could and put more than my best effort in this marriage. I've never felt such pain, and what's worse, I feel that he doesnt give a damn. I don't want to give up, but I don't think we'll make it. I'm just waiting to see if H will want to go visit his "buddies"- where the OW lives. I wish I could catch them, infact bring the OW's H so we could bust them together. H still calls her, doesnt even hide the bills to cover himself. To add insult to injury, I found out last year, that my dad not only cheated on my mother, but had a child. I found out about it on the internet of all places.....(Damn that Bill Gates) and of course when I confronted my dad he denied it, but my mom belived it and they havent been the same. That's why i havent told her yet about this, but I'll have to. I guess I've had a hell of a year. I should be on Sally LOL.<BR>Thanks for allowing me to vent, sorry for rambling <P>

Hi everyone, I am new to this forum. I too, found tons of email love letters from IN to my husband of 17 years. I was devastated, but I have tried to move on. We have three beautiful kids together, and since my H. has not worked in 7 years, I was in the better position for finances. I wanted a reconcilation, but when I finshed reading some of the letters that myH. wrote to D. in IN. He told her I was mentally unstable, and used violence to control him and my children. He also told her that I destroyed his attempts to have his own business, and that I was the one to have multiple affairs. I think what hurt the most was that he told me later after I confronted him, that he really felt those things. So now I am not open for reconciliation. So maybe we can help each other. If your H. is so desperate to be with OW, then let him go. You DESERVE to have your needs meet too. There are basic needs a person have in a relationship. Love, affection, respect, acceptance, and loyalty. He is REFUSING to meet those in you, just like mine did. Good Luck- gena

BSfury and gena-<P>I am so sorry that you are also experiencing this emotional pain.<P>I've found this site and forum very informative. Initially, I too was ready to call it quits. You really need to read, read, read. It is most difficult to realize that you missed important emotional needs that your spouse needed, which left the door open for an affair. <P>You should read about Plan A, which is your first step. I've spent almost 7 months in Plan A, so you'll need plenty of time and patience.<P>Keep posting, because there are plenty of wonderful and helpful people here.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Keep the Faith...the sun will shine again

Thanks Gena and Cupid, I've checked into Plan A and want to take action. I've looked into the EN' s to see where I may have strayed. Most of them I've met, but there are areas I could work on, but the H doesnt acknowledge the A. He says he wants to work it out, but how can you when you're still acting the same way. I have tried to put more effort and I know I'll be Ms Plan A for awhile, but I'm not sure if "we" can progress, when "I" am the one trying to improve our situation. Still hangin,<P>Fury

Hi Gen QII: I read your replies, and I too am famialar with plan A. But I did not reject my h. emotional needs. I gave, and gave, but he took and never gave back. A very dear friend of mine is a marriage/family therapist, she believes my H. suffers from Narsistic Personality Disorder. This is a disorder that my H. believes he is entitled to whatever I can give him, and because he feels so superior than me, he does not have to return the affection. The last time my H. kissed me was seven years ago, the last time my H. and I shared a bedroom was seven years ago. I came home from work, my H. doesn't work, and found he had taken a mattress and threw it on the floor and told me he wanted me to sleep there because I snore to loud. I was in shock, but I have slept there since. When he wanted to be intimate, he would invite to his bed. If he did not, I was not invited. This is a man whom I have spent thousands of dollars on for special equipment to improve his self esteem, to encourage him to work, to let him know how much I loved him, and then to find out about the OW. I guess, at 37years of age, you are still guilable to believe your spouse really cares. Gena