Hello All: I am dealing with the knowledge that my H of 17 years has been having an online affair. What do I do? He told her some awful lies, and she emailed me, telling me what a horrible person I was. I was hurt twice. We have three beautiful children, and my H. is a wonderful father, but a poor H. He has not worked in sevenn years. I have paid for his schooling, I have paid for his, fancy computers, and his advertiesments, and his health care, and his rent, car payments, etc. And yet he tells me I don't love him. I have to ask for a hug, I have to ask for a kiss, and he kisses me on the cheek. I ask for intimacy, he tells me I am too fat ( I'm 45 lbs. over) and he tells me that I am not worthy of his affections. I am so shattered! Help, please. Snugglermi

Hi, sorry I'm getting here so late, we don't have many night owls here anymore. <P>The first thing you need to understand is that most betrayers do say awful things about us the their lovers, and yes sometimes to us too. <P>Why is this man not working ? Why are you still supporting him if he is talking to you so badly ? I think I would have to let him know that if I'm not worthy of his affections then he is not worthy of your support or the time and effort it takes to work to make the money to buy his food and then cook it. <P>Honey if the ow thinks you're so bad and he is great let her have him. No doubt he will be back very soon, do you think she wants a man who she will have to support ? Nope, I'll bet any amount of money that she thinks he is Mr. Hard Working Man. <P>You do not deserve to be treated this way ! I'm sorry I'm not much help, and please forgive me for saying this but the way he is treating you makes me so angry I want to go kick a tree or something. Do not allow him to abuse you in this way. <P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

Welcome <B>snugglermi</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>I have to agree with the reply you got in the other post...<P>1. get counseling... ASAP...<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>2. Go to your doctor and get a referral to see a psychiatrist for the possbility of prescription anti-depressants...<BR>They will take time to kick in...<BR>Any decisions you make before your anger and rage is under control... will hurt you more than your H.<P>3. Start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A> for some of the mechanics...<P>This (Plan A) will be hard to buy into while you're in such pain...<BR>...but it can work!<P>Read all you can...<P>Get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> and learn all you can until the counseling and anti-deps can be arranged.<P>As was said before...<BR><B>you are not alone</B>...<P> <P>Jim

I know what you are saying is true. My therapist already said she believed H. may suffer from Narsistic Personality Disorder. Even though my head knows this, it is convincing my heart about this. H. hasn't worked because he told me that he wanted to pursue a music career. I bought him up to date equipment, and recording studio time, and he would watch the kids, with some complaint. I wish I could get through the nights better. All I did was snuggle up to his shirt, and cry. This will pass, right? H. doesn't want to give up OW. He says she supports his dreams, and sees life as beautiful and non-violent. I got an email from her, saying that H. told her I was trying to destroy his business. My kids are okay right now. My son believes he can take over where Dad left, and my two D. keep telling me he will come back. Why do I feel so guilty? H. had the affair, H. refused to work, H. took away all my plans for the future, then why do I have this need to have him back in my life? Why can't I just move on?

Because you love him. OK I'm sorry I wasn't more positive last night. <P>My h left me for ow # 1 about 15 years ago, he lived with here for a year and a half. At first I thought I would die ! But like you I had a young child at the time. Put that shirt on a pillow, it is easier to snuggle with, and we all need something to hold at first. <P>As to why you feel guilty, I don't know but I do know it isn't uncommon. But you are not responsible for his affair ! For half the problems in the marriage, yes, but the affair was his decision. He could have and should have told you how he was feeling instead of going to another woman who has no idea what it is to live with him. <P>Pay no attention to what this woman says to you. Follow NSR's advice, he is a truely wise and caring person. <P>------------------<BR>Deb<P>Hepatitis C, Please educate yourself ! <A HREF="http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In" TARGET=_blank>http://www.hepatitis-central.com/<P>In</A> memory of a very dear friend <A HREF="http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp" TARGET=_blank>http://fathom.org/teemingmillions/wally.adp</A>

We all contribute... even in the slightest of ways to some of the problems in our marriages...<P>Do check out...<BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P><B>Books...</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><P> <P>Jim

I have been reading and reading. I am learning about Plan A. H. called me this morning and wanted to spend time with the Children. I said of course, they miss you. When H. showed up, he walked up to me and hugged me. H. said he was sorry, but I had to be more understanding because he is having a difficult time himself. I nodded said I understood. He smiled, and I got in the van and left for work. I still worry he is talking in the OW when I am at work. I work 52 hours a week right now. I can not cut back because it is a short contract and the $ is excellent and is helping pay off major bills, pay off van, and pay off H.school loans. I get paid $35.00 an hour until mid-Nov. then back to 10 hours a week here and there. I am a free lance ASL Interpreter. This job is paying for my s. braces. So cutting back work time right now is impossible, so how can I not be focused on what H. is doing when I am work? How can I let go, and let God? gn