I'm faced with a seperation right now. My wife doesn't want to work on our marriage at all right now. I had an affair 2 yrs. ago which has ended and I thought we were back on track as a loving and caring couple. then these feelings started to come back and my wife decided that she was not going talk to me about her feelings or try to work things out between us.

Drew,<BR> This is a problem I'm dealing with myself, I found out about h's latest affair 11 months ago, and find myself angry and withdrawing from him. Your w may very well be afraid, after all if you did it before whats to keep you from it again. <BR> An affair makes us question everything, even ourselves. She may wonder if the whole marriage was a sham, the only thing I can say to youis to be honest, with her, no matter how hard it is to talk about what happened, if she wants to know tell her. Too many people try to protect their spouse by lying or refusing to answer questions, we are adults we don't need protection we need honesty. Show her you are remorseful, actions speak louder than words. And don't tell her it's over lets just forget it ever happened, she can't forget, and read every thing you can on this site, seek counseling. And keep posting here, better to vent here than at wife. You may try getting her to post too, if so I suggest you both agree that this is your safe zone, no getting angry about what is posted, we all need a safe place to deal with things and for many of us this is the only place we have. My h posts here not often but thats his choice, he reads here almost daily tho. <BR><P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Deb, <BR>thanks for the insight. I have apologized and told her that I love her and really do want this marriage to work. She doesn't seem to care anymore. I don't need her in my life I want her in my life. I guess that she needs to find that feeling that she wants me in her life not need. I have been totally honest with her for the last 14 months and something still happened that brought this all back around

Drew, Drew, Drew,<BR> I am sitting her shaking my head right now. You just said the exact same words my h said to me, " I love you, I want you in my life, but I don't NEED you in my life", Drew we women want to be needed, we evidently have a diffrent definition of need than you men do, To me "I need you " means, My life would not be complete w/o you, it means you make a huge diffrence in my life, I wouldn't be happy if I didn't have you, For crying outloud man, if you have said that to her go take it back, NOW. You guys have a lot to deal with, not only the affair and the destruction it brought, but also the resentment and pain that has built up over the time since it happened. <BR> This is not my h's first affair, but we never delt with the others, just kind of pushed them under the rug so to speak, and went on w/o learning how to deal with all of it. I have had nightmares for 13 years always about him cheating or leaving me. It's a pain to wake up crying so often. <BR> Drew the pain will not go away, not without time and a lot of work, I know the time has passed but w/o active work, you w will continue to be in pain. And remember that with women it's the little things that mean so very much, and to women actions count too a lot example, if my h says he loves me but follows it with a heavy sigh my brain says, oh yea he loves me alright he can't even say it w/o sounding disgusted. Now a sigh is not always ment to convey disgust, but thats how I take it. Love her Drew w/o condition or time limit, she deserves it and so do you.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Ok Drew, where did you go ? I'm not trying to give you a hard time, I'm trying to help you understand the diffrent ways women look at things, my h calls it,"twisted female pretzel logic", see for most women in order to be able to have sex with someone there has to be some type of feeling there, oh we are capable of the one night stand thing,but even that we are searching for something, maybe just to prove to ourselves we can get someone else. I know I went through that when h left me for a wildebeast he lived with for a year and a half, my pride was crushed, she wasn't prettier than me, or thiner she didn't cook and wouldn't clean plus she was just NASTY. Can you imagine what that did to my selfesteem ? The only thing she had was she was younger than me. <BR> I suggest you read the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, it is easy to read, fairly enjoyable, unlike a lot of relationship books. The key is communication always, and show your love the way you did when you first started dating. Thats allways great for me, to see that h remembers some of the fun stuff we did, hey it's worth a shot isn't it ?<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

deb,<BR>Thanks for the insight to women's twisted pretzel logic. I have read Dr. Harley's books Her Needs, His Needs, and Love Busters. These books have been a great help for me and I hope my w will read them as well. She is living with her sister right now and moves to her apartment on Sept. 1. I have printed alot of material from this sight to try and help her understand that there is a way we can resolve the conflict and learn to love one another again. right now she does not want that or even want to try. She doesn't want to do anything with me. I feel like she is the one that had the affair. I'm willing to do/try anything to make this relationship work. I love her and always will.