Hello All<P>From my previous posts, you may know that I am trying to Plan A, but it is difficult since my wife left on D-Day and I see little of her.<P>It has been 6 weeks since D-Day and whilst I have read SAA and many many posts on the MB Forums and have faith in the principles, I am struggling to keep a clear and consistent train of thought on a daily basis.<P>I am still battling with the major dilemma of whether I should inform the Wife of the OM in my W's affair of the situation. The OM is married with a 4yo son and his wife is completely oblivious to the affair.<P>It may seem like an obvious natural reaction for me to stir up trouble for OM but I need some really considered advice as to whether this would ultimately achieve anything in trying to win my wife back. I imagine that she may see it as one huge LB and may become even more determined to remain separated from me.<P>Likewise, the OM's wife may react badly and throw OM out which leaves him free to continue his affair with my W. Although the MB principles are dependent on the affair partners living together to ultimately see faults and then separate, this would still be difficult in my case as my W and OM live 150 miles apart and only see each other once every 2 weeks (from what I can determine)<P>I guess that an alternative would be to speak to the OM but I don't feel that that is a conversation that I could have without losing composure and I imagine that it would get back to my W anyway.<P>This is so hard! How do I maintain a consistent frame of mind from day-to-day?<P>I seem to alternate between calm / confusion and desperation and cannot stabilise my feelings. I have not LB'd (I don't think) but I feel that I am not doing anything to move this situation forward. I know 6 weeks is relatively short but it feels like a lifetime.<P><BR>Thanks again<P><BR>HarryHat<BR>

Harry,<P>I told the OM's wife about the A. It was a major LB at the time, but I would do it again.<P>I did it because my W and I were friends with this couple (OM and his W), so I saw this as telling my friend (the OM's W)she was being deceived in her marriage. What she did with that information was not my concern.<P>The effect it had was complicated. My W and the OM both felt I was dragging an innocent party into the mud, and my W got very angry with me. She was very protective of OM...didn't want him to suffer. I know, strange...but part of the fog.<P>But telling had another unexpected effect. Reality. The OM suddenly got pressure where there had been freedom to have it both ways...the A and the marriage. When this was moved into daylight, and the heat was on the OM, he couldn't handle it. It caused tension between my W and OM...didn't stop the A, but did damage it. <P>Then the OM confronted me. Twice. That caused my W to see his reaction as "cruel and appalling". I believe things began to change about that time.<P>Your call on telling or not. On this forum there are clearly divided opinions on telling. I had no qualms about it, and I would do it again. I believed and still do that it was the right thing to do...I would want to be told by friend or stranger if I was in the dark.<P>6 weeks is not very long...your W's fog may last longer, and it may get darker before the dawn. I hope not. Good luck to you.<P>Hang in there.<P>Bob<P>

HarryHat: I would tell the OW husband if I knew where she lived and his name as well. Not because I am mean, no. BUt the Ow's H. has the right to know just like I did. I am not sure if you would call it helpful, but why not? The OM's wife would have to make demands on her H. and that would make your wife miserable, but she would not be so eager to stay in touch with the OM because of his wife. I know for me, I would have wanted to know, immediately. I would have thanked the messenger for bringing it to me. Read my profile, and yo will see, that I too, am having to struggle with these issue. THe OW emailed me, and politely to stay out of my H.'s life. EXCUSE ME!?! I am his WIFE, not his BIMBO! Anyway, please listen to the advice of all given here, there is a wealth of knowledge, understanding, and when you need to you can cry on my shoulder. smile, gn

If you're Plan A-ing...<P>...you are moving forward!<P>About telling the OP's spouse...<BR>...in general it is a love buster...<BR>...but if you are a truly moral person...<BR>...it is up to you.<P>Ideally, if the OM's W can find out annonymously... it would be better.<P> <P>Jim

Telling or not is a big dilemma as you know, and that is your call. I'm split on that one. How is the Plan A going, and what kind of situation exists between you two now, and has there been any signs one way or the other. I'd use answers to those to help decide.<P>I mainly wanted to tell you that I've been in Plan A for 2 months, since I found MB, and before that I probably was doing some Plan A without knowing it, but LBs too when it all got to me. My point though, is that I have the same problem with alternating between calm/confusion, and sometimes experience desperation, resentment and a whole bunch of other feelings. It is unpredictable, and I find I just have to find things to do, talk to people etc, when it gets the worst. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer, but the best thing by far has been posting here and getting helpful/understanding responses so often.<P>I know the feeling of not having any movement forward. You will feel that you are not doing anything to move forward, and I've felt the same, but when it is happening, it does so without you knowing, just from my experience. If you read my post in General Questions II, I got my first sign of progress, and even without that, lately I've felt good about myself because I know I'm doing the best I can (kids, housework, stability, patience, working, working on me), and she can't ignore that stuff. Nevertheless, I have crappy days too.<P>Lets hope that things get better for us, but in the meantime, you are not alone, keep us up to date, and hang in there.

There is one thing I keep in mind when making most of my decisions that perhaps will assist you. I ask myself "what is my intention with this action?". Usually if I am honest and think things over, I discover that many times my intentions are very self centered. If you can think of ways that make telling the OMs wife serve her, then do so. Remember, some folks do not think "enlightenment" is such a great gift. Their child will not benefit. So it is strictly information that you should feel is a positive to her. <P>Her H should be man enough to tell her, but that is probably close to zero on the odds of that happening. You may want to tell him that he should do this. It is in his best interest for him to tell her & not have someone else drag this home to her. She most lkely is suspect anyway. I know I was. It was still a shock that set me reeling for days. <P>Obviously if there is a health issue (HIV, etc.) then there is a very specific need for her to be informed & get tested.<P>So think it over & remember to always question your own intentions. Take care... Carolyn

Thanks for the responses.<P>Rick, I have read your post in GQII and am convinced that this can only be a good sign for you. It looks like doubt is beginning to creep in on your W which may be a precursor to the gradual lifting of the fog.<P>I am obviously no expert but it looks good to me.<P><BR>For my case, there has been little change, my W is still separated from me with minimal contact. I spoke to her last Saturday but was probably a little too "pleading" which seemed to antagonise her and she reacted particularly coldly with comments such as "it's not going to happen" when I asked for her to come back.<P>I have had a bad week in terms of mood and have really struggled at work. For me it is the biggest irony of all that I am now totally dependent upon my job for the income and yet I feel deep down that it is my unhappiness/stress in this job that has brought me down in the last year and has probably led to my W feeling detached from me.<P>It is really difficult to concentrate at work although I know that I must.<P>My W continues to lie about her contact with OM. I know for a fact that she took yesterday off work to spend the day (and probably night) with him. She explained to me that she could not collect the children because she was away on a work training course. (The deceit is incredible, she knows that I know that the Affair is EA and PA and yet she still feels the need to lie about her liaisons with him - why is this?)<P>I still have no idea how this will turn out. During last weekend's conversation, she made various comments such as :-<P>"I've changed and don't feel the same way about you anymore"<P>"I don't love you anymore"<P>"We never DID anything together" (past tense)<P>I have been told that these are typical comments for a WS but they hurt nevertheless.<P>I am just hoping that they are attributable to the "fog" and that they are not 100% as she feels.<P>We had no real history of arguments and I was devastated when I discovered the A and moreso when she left the same day.<P>Earlier this year (June) my W discovered her real Father who abandoned her at birth. I had no idea that she had been looking for him but was really excited for her. However she then made little further mention of him to me but has slowly built up a good relationship with him. I believe that the EA with the OM began as she disclosed her excited feelings about her Father and he probably listened better than I did. Is this the sort of "life event" or "crisis" that can trigger an Affair?<P>I'm still resisting the urge to inform OM or OM's W of my knowledge of the A but I sometimes am literally an inch away from the telephone.<P>Sorry for rambling - as usual any advice appreciated.<P>Thanks again<P><BR>HarryHat

Harry,<P>NSR pointed to this earlier today...I read it and found it an interesting approach.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.family.org/docstudy/newsletters/a0011702.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.family.org/docstudy/newsletters/a0011702.html</A> <P>Bob

Dear HarryHat,<P>I too am struggling with this issue. My wife had an affair with a married man. His wife knows nothing of it. While my wife ended her affair with him, they still work in the same company.<P>While I know that she is supposed to have complete separation from him, that is just not practical right now. We opted for what I felt was the next best thing.<P>I made it known to him that I know about what has happened. I also made it clear to him that I will do whatever it takes to protect my marriage. He is now so scared to death that I am going to tell his wife that he avoids my wife at all costs! My wife was in complete agreement with this (though she really does not want me to tell his wife - after all, she is also the "other woman" and does not want his wife coming after her) but it seems to be working as a great deterrant right now.<P>However, it still pains me to think that he, in effect, is "getting away with it." He should be made to face the music. His wife does deserve to know, but I hope it doesn't have to come from me. I will follow through on my threat if he ever tries to pursuit my wife again. I just hope it never comes to that.