I have confronted my partner about all the little signs and paraphanelia <(spell check)I have gathered. I have confronted him before and asked why do you have condoms? Why take viagra on your business trips? why has he detached himself emotionally from our relationship. Then his response was I was crazy. He turned it around on me and said he has reason to believe I was sleeping around. Totally impossible! I am with children 24,7. When I brought it up again yesterday he said nothing. I told him to be a man and tell me the truth. I said I am not stupid, the writing is on the wall. He said nothing. He is the kind of person who has to take it all in and think" about whats the best thing to say, so I am waiting. My major problem is I hate the idea of plan A, I feel as if I have been doing this our entire relationship. I feel so used up. What a slap in the face, I have been so supportive of his traveling out of state, his 2nd job. and this is what I get. I believe I can get through this A thing, its the feeling of being used that kills me. I asked him to fill out the emotional needs questionare, he did nothing, I have filled mine out but have not given it to him. As he left for work this morning he kissed me and I was a little hesitant, he says whats wrong you mad at me? WELL HELLO! no just keep screwing her and have a great day! I AM SO ANGRY! well thanks for letting me vent. I would love any advise on what to do next. PLEASE

loveratheart: Best bet and I truly hate to say it is start gathering your evidence. Check his cell phone bill for frequently called numbers. Check his cell phone messages and e-mail if you have his passwords. Next time he leaves for a trip call the hotel. Better yet, if you can manage it go there.<P>If your H is like mine he won't admit to anything unless you have hard core physical evidence. Then and only then will you get the truth. Or at least part of it. I'm the type of person where I need hard core evidence to actually take action. It's hard when deep in your heart you know the truth yet you want the evidence before you do anything. Sometimes I wish I had the strength or guts or whatever it is you need in order to "take action" with just the confidence of your intuition.<P>Yes I am still with my H and we are desperately trying to work this out. I still doubt his intentions so I still feel the need to investigate. It makes me sick. The fact that I have become this type of person turns my stomach. But I have hope that it won't last forever and I'll be able to let all those (now habits) go.<P>But if you're first suspecting the A then I say get all the evidence you need. Good Luck and take care of yourself. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Lost soulmate Thank you for your reply!<P>I am trying to gather the info I need, this sneeking around, getting into his things makes me feel sick! I am not the woman I use to be. I feel as if this "mission" to find more evidence has taken over my life. <P>I hate that he knows I know, yet keeps going on with his life like its nothing. I dont want to be near him, nor touch him, and all he says is "are you mad"? <P>I wish I could go there myself to find out but its impossible. I have however found phone calls made from his room, and room service order, Brandy and chocolate almond kisses! he hates chocolate and only seen him drink brandy twice and that was in the winter and once when he had a terrible sore throat, its not his drink of choice. I want to SCREAM just thinking about it. thanks for listening, and good luck with your relationship. God Bless you Both.

loveratheart: Have you called any of the numbers? That's how I found out. I saw a number that was called frequently on my H cell phone bill. I called and got a womans answering machine. Then called later that evening and asked the woman if she knew my H. She said no. So then I knew it was a lie. Like I'm going to believe that my H dialed the wrong phone number over and over again? That's what kills me too is they think that I'm so stupid that I'd buy a line like that.<P>Anyway, yes having to do these things is sickening. But if your H won't stand up and be honest with you what are you suppose to do other than leave. Good Luck loveratheart. Take Care. And be strong whatever it is you discover. <P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

I am so sorry about your situation. I hate to think of anyone feeling the way I do. I would like to say I wouldnt wish this on anyone, but there is one person I would wish it on "her".<BR>I tried to call the numbers i found on his hotel call bill, but this has happened in Mexico! Since I cant speek spanish its difficult. It maybe a local or a co-worker. I keep trying and looking for anything and everything. <BR>I dont want to plan A ever again, I just feel like distancing myself from him. I hate to say it I love him, I only wish he felt the same way. How do you keep from ripping his hair out??lol. I know I have to stay strong for my children. This is so unfair. Im here if you need to vent at all. I thank you so much for listening.<BR>

loveratheard: Yes sometimes I do feel like ripping his hair out.<P>I do love my H and over the last several months he has tried immensely to make it right. However at the same time I discover little lies that just don't fit and make me think he's just getting better at hiding the clues. This is what's so heart wrenching. Why would he try so hard when (if) he's still carrying on? I don't know. And I can't seem to find the answer. <P>I keep hoping that my feelings would finally diminish. I just wonder if there's a time when you let go even though you still feel so strongly for the sake of sanity. That would take immense strength and I wonder if I'm a coward because I don't do so. It would take a great deal of time to get over the pain but at least it would end. <P>You are very angry right now. Maybe you should consider Plan B instead of Plan A. When I first learned of my H A I was so angry and hurt I couldn't even want to look at him. Then I started reading and trying to understand where he was coming from. It broke my heart because I knew some of the things my H was after I was outright denying him. And that wasn't right. Have you read any of the surviving books? You should. It might allow you to let go some of the baggage. <P>Yes we have to stay strong for our children. I have one. But how can you do that when the rug keeps getting pulled out from under your feet? The result of my H A is a child. Due in February. He has told me he wants nothing to do with the baby. I only wonder he feels the same way when February arrives. And I wonder if the curiosity will get the better of him. I almost think he should be with this woman and child for a period so the "what if" syndrome doesn't take it's hold. That way if he loves her and wants to be a family with her and the baby he can do so and I can start my new life. And if he doesn't he won't ever wonder if it was meant to be with them.<P>Sorry to carry on. I still (after 5 months since DDay) have very rough days. Today being one of them. Keep up the clue searching. The hardest part I think is not knowing. Or knowing but not being able to put the last piece in the puzzle. I hope you find though that your H has done nothing. I will keep praying for you. Take Care.<P>------------------<BR>Lost Soulmate<P>"Character is doing what's right, when no one is looking"

Lostsoulmate'<P>you seem so strong. Your comment about letting him be with her and the baby brought tears to my eyes. I hate to say it but your right, otherwise he will always wonder "what if" and that wouldnt be fair to either one of you. <BR>I am going to the book store this morning! I need to understand why. I think that would really help. Its funny but I feel I can get past this. <BR>I thought I was being the "perfect wife" I honestly thought I was giving all and he was the one lacking. Maybe I gave to much. I feel like he took advantage of me and did not ever respect or appreciate anything I did for him. I can see my attitude is all poor me! I have tried to ask his opinion on how he felt about our relationship but he dont talk.<BR>I tried to talk to him last night about the A. I said if I knew why it would really help. one or the other, you dont love me and you want to be with someone else or I am not meeting your sexual needs? he wouldnt say much, next to nothing. I told him I knew, I had evidence. What evidence he said. He never denied it just said I have fabricated this all in my head. I cried myself to sleep and he wanted to hold me. Like you, I just need to get the facts of why and whats next so I can get on with my life.<BR>Thank you again, it helps to get some of this out! I will pray for you as well. <BR>