I found out on September 12th that my wife had an affair earlier this year. I am absolutely crushed. It's been over a month now and I still feel totally devastated.<P>This is not the first time she has betrayed me. She did once before, but it was nine years ago and we weren't married at the time. I never thought that she would go and do this again based on how terrible it was for us last time.<P>It started early this year. She developed an attraction for another man at work. He was kind to her and gave her lots of conversation and affection. I guess I was not doing enough of that at home (hindsight is always 20-20). However, in my defense I can say that she never once expressed any dissatisfaction or say to me that she wished I would do more of these things for her.<P>The affair became physical in March when she discovered that he was attracted to her as well. (He is also married). When he made the proposition, she couldn't say no, and it lasted 4 months until July. <P>She ended the affair with him because she said she was feeling too guilty about what she was doing to me. She knew that she would tell me of it one day, and she wanted it to be over before I would find out about it. She finally told me of the affair in September, but I had already become suspicious for the past few months anyway.<P>She says she feels very bad, and wants to reconcile with me. We ordered the books "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" and have been reading them and talking about them.<P>She tells me that she never stopped loving me, but how can I know this to be true? I was going along thinking everything was great and then WHAM! She never once told me she was unhappy or that I was not satisfying her needs. I asked her if I was a bad husband, and she says no. She said she doesn't know why she did it or how she could lose control like that.<P>It kills me to know that another man has touched her. I feel so completely hurt and sad. It has even affected my work. How can this happen to me? I have always tried to do everything right. I feel so lost...

Welcome <B>HurtingDeeply</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>I few sites that may help you...<BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><P><B>Books...</B><BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><P><B>Links to posts...</B><BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000076.html" TARGET=_blank>Can I forgive?????</A>…..indy032…..1/31/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/003319.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness.....</A>…..just_me…..6/5/2000<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006615.html" TARGET=_blank>How to rebuild my spouse's trust?</A>…..redman…..8/23/1999<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum31/HTML/000274.html" TARGET=_blank>Things my husband did to rebuild trust</A>…..HGBrawner…..3/17/2000<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/002831.html" TARGET=_blank>on knowing the "truth" </A>…..loveWASblind=lWb/popeye…..5/9/2000<P>You have a long road of recovery ahead of you...<BR>get a mentor like Steve or Jenn Harley...<BR>I would recommend that you have a couple of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>You have my prayers... <P>Remember... <B>you are not alone</B>!<P> <P>Jim

Hurting Deeply,<P>I am sorry that you are going through this. My situation is similar to yours, my husband had a six month affair with a woman he works with, she was married also, and he ended it about two months before I found out. The difference is, I knew he was unhappy, we both were, we had been going through marital problems for some time, but he never intended for me to find out. He ended it because he says he loves me and the guilt was killing him because of what he was doing to me. I was supicious the whole time it was going on, and when I confronted him about it before I had undeniable proof, he denied everything and turned it around like I was crazy for suspecting such a thing. <P>It has been almost three months since I found out, and I still don't know whether or not I believe him, when he tells me he never stopped loving me, because how can you do such a horrible thing to somebody that you love and vowed to love forever? <P>The fact that your wife confessed and is willing to read the books and talk about the affair is good for you. If she never told you and you found out anyway, it would make it that much harder. If she wasn't willing to open up about what she did and the how it is affecting you, and read the books with you, it would make you question the fact of whether she stopped loving you while it was going on that much more. <P>It has been three months now, and I have realized that the fact that my husband had an affair doesn't mean that he stopped loving me. It is an act of absolute weakness and selfishness. It doesn't make it any less painful, but I am glad that I am not the one that had the affair because I couldn't take the guilt of causing someone I love so much pain.<P>The issue of your wife being intimate with another man is a very hard issue to deal with. It has literally made me sick, several times, when I pictured my husband with the other woman. I know it still quite devestating and will be for a long time, but you will have to get to a point where you can't dwell on the details of what happened, and that she was with another man. It is for the sake of your sanity and how it affects you in your everyday life, such as work. If you want to make your marriage work, you will have to get to a place in your mind where you know it happened, you realize nothing you or she can do will can change the past, and then you can begin to try to heal. If you don't, you will keep obsessing, thinking and picturing things, and it will drive you crazy. Every time I start to think about it, I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself that he loves me and I say a little prayer asking God to give me the strength to help me through this. It's all about doing whatever it takes to lessen the pain that you are going through and to keep you from losing it completely. <P>The only thing I have accomplished, thus far, is realizing that it is a thing of the past and it is only hurting me to dwell on the details of what happened. It is still painful, but the stabbing feeling is a little less than it was. <P>You still have a long road ahead of you. I hope this helps you along the way. Hang in there and God bless!<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>daisy

Dear Hurting Deeply,<BR>Your story sounds just like mine. My husband started having an affair with his co-worker (secretary). It, too, started earlier in the year and got physical in March. It lasted till this July. I found out about it by accident. My husband & I had gone for a weekend trip without the kids. When we got back home he wanted to go run an errand. Before leaving the house, he said that if "Linda" calls we "all" went on the trip. I asked what are you talking about. He said he had just told everyone in the office we all were going (kids and all).He left on his errand and I just thought how strange of him to say that. Well, I went into his briefcase to snoop. The day before we were to go he acted different like he wasn't into us going away. He had come home later than normal. Said he went to his friends & his Mom's house. When looking thru his briefcase, the first thing I saw was a wine opener & his cologne. Then I saw it. The card she wrote him. (He had told me that they had lunch that day cause it was the 2nd anniversary of them working together.)The card she gave him was all about their love. When he got home I confronted him about it. He denied it. Then everything made sense. He had told me all these lies. I had no idea. Like you said you think everything is fine then WHAM. We are in counseling, but it's still so hard. We are trying to work things out. We have 3 children and the youngest is 16 yrs. Good luck.

<BR>Thank you all for your responses! We actually had a pretty good weekend. I think I can tell she feels really bad about what happened and that she is trying hard to make it up to me. There have been a lot of tears.<P>Daisy, you are right. The fact that she ended it and confessed does make it a little easier. The fact that she is willing to read and talk about the books makes it even better. The pain is still there. I don't know when and if it will ever go away. What she did was very selfish, and I can't imagine ever doing what she did. I still have trouble sleeping (especially with all of the bad dreams)! I still think about it a lot, but I'm also hopeful for the future. She told me that she never intended to leave me, and that she never really fell in love with him - I don't know if it's true or not, but I would like to believe it.<P>I feel so bad about what has happened to you too though. I hope you are making progress. It's so hard not to think and dwell on the past.<P>I don't know. At least that's how I feel today - which is a little better than I felt on Friday!<P>Lucy, I have a daughter that is 2-1/2 years old. I can't help but think that she has been affected by this in some way. (She has seen a lot of crying, though we have been trying not to do it in front of her). I can't imagine what you must be going through having teenagers. I hope your counseling does the trick. We could probably use some as well. My wife says she is not adverse to it, but actually getting is scheduled has been tough.

Thought I would offer a little perspective from an "old timer". It has been a little over 2 1/2 years since my husband's brief affair was revealed and ended. We are very happy and have a magnificent marriage....not perfect, neither of us is perfect....but very happy and content.<P>First of all, no matter what you (the wounded spouse) did or didn't do, you have <B>no</B> responsibility for your spouse's affair. Yes, you do bear some responsibility for any problems in your marriage, but there is a line between that and responsibility for an affair. An affair is a choice made only by the unfaithful spouse....you didn't get a vote.<P>Second, I do believe someone can love their spouse and still have an affair. I have come to believe that my husband never stopped loving me.....he just loved himself more for a little while. His own ego and what he wanted were more important than anything else. To this day he can't believe he had an affair....he has said many times he can't believe he was that stupid. <P>Third, healing is a process and it takes time and effort. And in my opinion, it also takes a personal relationship with God and faith in Him. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God orchestrated the revelation and end of the affair in answer to my husband's prayers to get out of the mess he was in. I also know that God walked every step of the journey with us....I couldn't have felt His presence more clearly had He been standing before me.<P>I reached a point where I realized that my happiness and recovery were things I had to choose. I could choose to sit in a chair waiting for a miracle to drop into my lap, or I could participate and reach out for the miracle. I prayed and read my Bible and a wonderful devotion book. I also practiced "self-talk" and learned how to redirect my negative thoughts into positive areas. I quoted scriptures mentally to banish the mental images of the affair and continuously told myself.."It happened and it can't be changed. My husband loves me."<P>I read a lot....my personal favorite of all the books on affair recovery is "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. I also love "The Five Love Lanugages" by Gary Chapman and "Making Love Last Forever" by Gary Smalley. For devotions, I like "His Imprint, My Expression" by Kay Arthur and "Experiencing God Day by Day" by Henry Blackaby. I also love my One Year Bible (New Living Bible Edition)...the daily readings from Psalms were exactly what I needed.<P>I kept a journal for quite some time. Writing down my thoughts and feelings was very helpful. I also made a list of the positive things in my marriage and made a list for my husband of the things I was angry about. He and I emailed all the time and actually worked out some of the tougher issues that way. We sent love notes and cards and bought each other little gifts. We spent every waking moment together when we weren't at work....even when it hurt to do it.<P>Restoration is a roller coaster, there is no other way to describe it. But if you will make the commitment and give it all you've got, you can make it. It does take some time.....the 2 year recovery time frame is pretty accurate. But the process continues to move forward and the pain lessens more each day so that the good days far outnumber the bad as you make the journey.<P>I do believe in counseling....preferably Christian counseling with a qualified marriage and family therapist. I believe in total honesty, even when it hurts. I believe in working on the hurts together and taking responsibility for your own actions without shifting blame. I believe that love and being in love are a choice, not a feeling. I will never be grateful for the sin that came into our lives, but I am eternally grateful for the way God revealed Himself and working in our lives and marriage.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<p>[This message has been edited by HGBrawner (edited October 24, 2000).]

Thank you HGBrawner for your kind words. It does give me hope knowing that others have been able to get through this and still have a happy marriage. I really really want mine to work.<P>I guess I have been partly blaming myself for what happened. We were not as close as we had been in years past. Both of us have very demanding jobs, and with the addition of a little girl, everything got magnified even more. Neither of us would do anything to change having our daughter, but I think the added stress of being new parents did distance us a little. <P>She said she didn't feel like she was in a bad marriage. My wife just remarked that when our daughter turned two last January it just seemed like we were not having any fun anymore. Our daughter was in her "terrible twos," we were both working hard, we were saving for a house so we hardly ever went out, and we just did not communicate our stresses to each other. This other guy just happened to come along at this time and he provided an escape from reality. He made her laugh. She liked being around him because he was giving her affection and conversation. He was also at work so she could see him every day.<P>She told me she never set out to have an affair - it just happened. She tells me she wishes she could have been stronger and just said no to his advances. She didn't even know why she did it at the time. Is it possible she could be telling me the truth? <P>I just can't help but feel that I could have done something to prevent it. We didn't know anything about the Basic Concepts or Emotional Needs. I just wish I could have been a better husband and paid more attention to her. I just wish the pain would go away.<P>

Yes, I believe it is possible that your wife is telling you the truth that the affair "just happened." Now, this doesn't mean that she didn't make an informed choice to be unfaithful...she wasn't unconcious, she had free will.....but I do believe that a large number of affairs happen without someone setting out to be unfaithful. I believe that under the <I>wrong</I> circumstances anyone can be unfaithful.<P>It is easy to blame yourself for an affair. When a wounded spouse begins doing the painful self-examination that I believe is part of the healing process, you find behaviors and habits that certainly fed a vulnerability in the marriage. But blame on the wounded spouse stops there, in my opinion. It takes two people to have problems in a marriage.....if unmet needs were the cause of an affair then why aren't both spouses unfaithful? The choice to have an affair and the blame for it reside solely with the spouse who strays.<P>My guess is that when your wife betrayed you before your marriage you didn't really process it and the reasons. And to some degree that would probably be fairly normal. I would be curious to know how serious your relationship was at that point and how long before your marriage it happened. My husband was dating several other girls when we began dating almost 23 years ago, but I wasn't dating anyone else and didn't want to. We didn't talk about it and I assumed that he was dating only me. Did that mean he was unfaithful to me? I don't think so, because we didn't have an agreement or commitment to be exclusive. When we did become exclusive and got engaged, neither of us dated anyone else.<P>Having just discovered this affair in September, you are still in shock. It is extemely important to understand that this is a process that is going to take a great deal of time and effort and patience. I strongly encourage you to seek marriage and family therapy. Bring out the earlier infidelity in counseling and examine it to see if there are any issues that you didn't deal with at that time.<P>Learn to take each day one second, one minute, one hour at a time. Take deep breaths, eat small meals, and rest when you can. Don't fight the tears....cry when you need to. Look for constructive ways to deal with your anger...ways that don't punish your wife and drive a wedge in your relationship....but do release the anger instead of swallowing it. Talk to your wife about the past and future. Listen to her...really listen. Ask her to do the same thing for you. Don't make assumptions. Begin to work towards understanding that there will never be a logical reason for this affair. Affairs are based on dishonesty and deceit...there is no logic to them. You will never get enough pieces of the puzzle to get a picture that makes sense. Determine that you will conquer this giant and believe in your future. Deal with the past, but don't dwell in it.<P>And most important of all....seriously consider turning to God. If you don't have a relationship with Him, I encourage you to seek Him out. If you do have a relationship with Him but have drifted away, know that He is right there beside you ready to lead you through the valley.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

HGBrawner,<P>I really appreciate all the advice you have given and all that you have said. It's good to hear from someone that has been there and back.<P>It is possible that the affair could have "just happened." We had a long talk last night and again this morning before work. It was very constructive without any anger or hurtful words. I did like you said - I listened. Most of our talks have actually already been like this. We talked about both affairs and maybe some of the reasons behind it.<P>Just to let you know, the first one happened after we had been dating for about two years. We were not engaged yet, but we were seeing each other exclusively (at least I was). She was with this other guy about 10 times over the course of a year. During this time we even moved in together. She hid it very well. She decided to tell me about what had happened two years later when we were engaged to be married. At the time the guilt was getting to her, and she felt that if we were to be married there should be nothing between us. It was very difficult for me for a while, but I got over it and married her. I think the fact that she ended it with him and chose me convinced me that she loved me. Also, I figured that she "tested" the waters and wouldn't be inclined to do so again.<P>You are right though. We never really processed the reasons for why it happened then. She just at the time would say that she was unhappy with her job and unsure where we were going. This other guy was the first guy since me to really take an interest in her and he aggressively went after her. She found him charming and eventually gave in. <P>We just never really disected why it happened and which of her needs were not met. Also, because she waited two years to tell me, a lot of what was happening at the time was that much harder to remember. I do think, looking back now, the reasons may be similar to what happened this year.<P>For nine years she was completly faithful to me and couldn't imagine ever doing something like that again....until earlier this year. She found herself being weak again when another man came on to her. She just didn't realize at the time that this meant that there was some need that I wasn't fulfilling. She just became attracted to him and was afraid to tell me about it. She was afraid about how I would react, and she was also afraid because she knew that once she told me she would not be able to continue the friendship and see where it might lead. An intense attraction can be a powerful thing to resist.<P>You are right though, she made the decision to cross the line. I had no say in the matter. Now, having had this happen twice, I don't know if I can ever trust her fully or give myself fully to her again. I'm so afraid that I will be setting myself up to be hurt again in the future.<P>She told me that she hates herself right now for the pain and suffering that she's caused me. She feels she's a bad person and doesn't know why I stay with her. She said she doesn't deserve me. Is this just guilt? What is she really saying? Is someone who does this really a bad person? Or can it be that she really is a good person that just did a bad thing? Do you think we are on the right track? Can we really save our marriage? I've been doing a lot of praying...