Last week my wife confessed to me about an affair she had 6 months ago. I had no idea it was going on and she told me out of guilt not because I was suspicious. Obviously I have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. We want to work this out and put our put our marriage back in order. In spite of it all I still love her very much and feel we have something worth saving. She also wants to work it out an we have decided to seek counsel. I did not grill her for answers to hundreds of questions that I really do not want to know the answers to. <P>I only have one issue that is blocking my wholehearted participation, she refuses to tell me with whom this affair took place. She fears that I will contact his wife and tell her about it, they have a very young child and my wife tells me she fears her actions (If I let the cat out of the bag) will have detrimental effects on this child’s home life and future.<P>I have been honest with her. I can’t promise that I will not pick up the phone and do just that. However, I feel that her refusal is a way of protecting him. I see it as a warning flag that maybe this affair is not completely over, and why should I subject myself to possible future pain if it’s not over and she won’t give me an honest answer to this question. I want to know who it is so I can be on the look out in 1, 2 5, even 10 years is he pops up.<P>Now I’m questioning myself, lord knows I go through so many feeling in only minutes. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to know this??<BR>

If you really feel that the affair can ignite quickly...<BR>... your request would be reasonable.<P>But...<P>If you're following <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>... and trying to apply <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>...<P>...brainstorm a bit more on an alternative.<P>...protect her love for you...<BR>...by not forcing her right now...<BR>......to say who the OM man is.<P>Can she really trust you... with that info?<BR>If she can't... do you want to kill trust at such an early stage in recovery?<P>Let her know any contact she may have with OM will result in a very damaging action.<P> <P>Jim

No, you're not being unreasonable. But, listen to Jim.<P>I would, in a non-LBing manner, let her know her that it hurts you to feel that she is protecting the OM at your expense....that you want to build trust without wondering if every guy you meet is the OM.<P>My H didn't want to tell me who the STD Tramp was, even though she was dead. However, I told him that I never wanted to be in the position of socialinzing with some sl** who might be thinking, "Tee, hee! I screwed your H and you don't even know it." I was in a major rant at the time after dipping into some vodka and OJ (totally unlike me, so he knew I was dead serious!)<P>'Course, I guess that being put in the position of socialing with Cafe Woman doesn't count.... But, to be honest, I've deliberately continued to be nice to her with the idea that sooner or later, something would have to give. Sooner is about to get here.

My H and I want through some of this same stuff. I told him that I could not promise him that I would not call the OW's H, but that I really did not see that happening. I see this as our problem- between the two of us. I did tell him that I could promise him that I would talk to him about it if I ever did feel the desire to call the other H. He was comfortable with this, realizing that only something HE did would make me want to do that. He has since told me who and has been very honest with answering my questions.

Unreasonable? Not a bit. You say your W wants to rebuild the marriage, correct?<P>How are you going to do it when she is placing the OMs needs ahead of you?<P>Put it another way, lets rebuild a marriage based upon secrets, and lies. Doesn't make much sense does it?<P>Dr. H. has said it so many times, honesty is where it all begins. There are four adults involved in this. Your W, you, the OM and his W. Now which one(s) deserves to be lied to and kept in the dark?<P>I think your fear of "future" relapse is very real and having the OMs W watching him will certain keep him more than a little busy.<P>If this causes the OM some "stress" then that's just to bad. He did it, he made the choice, and he is the one that needs to deal with his decisions, NOT YOU.<P>Of course you could always take the attitude that he is just an innocent bystander to your Ws actions. Yeah right. If you buy into this load of BS I have some swamp ground I'd like to sell you.

I just wanted to thank everyone who replied to me. This was my first post and obviously very new to me. I took all this advise into account and reapproached the subject. Country Guy, I just read a later post in which you apologize for being so direct. Well don't "I very much needed to hear that side also" <P>I now have the answer to the whom it was, feel that the blocks are gone and want to move forward. If anyone is wondering I won't be making a phone call to the OM's W, at this point I see no usefulness in revenge.<P>again Thank you for hearing me.