hi,<BR>i posted a few month ago. me and my husband seperated 2 month ago due to infadelity on his part. he has his own appartment and we talk on the phone often. we even went out a few times and i invited him for dinner. i am trying hard to understand my feelings for him. my feelings are so confused. i know that i still love him, but i feel like there is a hole in my heart, something is missing, and i don't know what it is. he is trying soooo hard to get me back, he asks me what he can do to win back my heart, and i don't know what to tell him. we have been with each other for almost 20 yrs. i am so confused and scared, i just don't know what to do. he has lied to me for so many years, i just can't trust anything.<BR>will i ever make a decision?<BR>i'm so scared to make the wrong one. it's like i'm standing in a fork in the road and i don't know which way to go.<BR>thanks for listening!!!!

Why don't you both go for marital counselling by a professional or trained church pastor? The issues that have to be addressed apart from the usual marital ones are trust, communication, acceptable boundaries of behaviour, and how to prevent infidelity.<P>You also need to have a heart to heart talk with your spouse as to the reason/s why he had an affair and why he stopped and why he moved out and why he wanted to come back.In an ideal world, love is sufficient but in life, one needs commitment as well, particularly in marriage. IS he willing to commit fully to rebuild the marriage and protect the marriage from intrusions by other people?<P>Finally, have you gotten over the affair and healed? Are you able to cope again if he has an affair a second time? What measures are both of you willing to put up to prevent another affair by him? <P>Please work these issues if they have not already been addressed. You now have a chance to draw a better blueprint for a new start, if that is what you really want.<P>God bless you<BR>weep

thanks for replying. ok, this was not the first affair, maybe that's why it is so hard this time. the reason he had an affair, so he says, is because of the thrill and exitment it gives him, but that he always wanted me. he had a very bad childhood, which causes him to do the thinks he does, so he says. anyway, we tried the heart to heart talk, and there is a lot that i found out that i wasn't aware of, but my feelings for him are not the same. the trust is gone!!! one day i wake up, and i want him back, the next day i don't. i just don't understand myself anymore.

schatzibaby:<P>I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. There are days when this marriage failing is simply not an option, and then there are days, like today, that I couldn't care less if I ever see his face again. <P>How many times can you be lied to and cheated on and still open yourself up to the chance of it happening again.<P>I keep hearing the Righteous Brothers song "You've Lost that Loving Feeling" in my head. It's like there is something missing there on my part, but I can't put my finger on exactly what it is. <P>I think part of it is that there's just so much scar tissue around my heart that I just can't feel anymore. Maybe this time just too much of the love I have for him died.<P>You're lucky in that your H is trying to win you back. Mine is a big taker. When I try and be real nice he just feels entitled to it and doesn't do much to return it. He keeps saying what can I do to meet your needs. I've told him little things a million different times. I guess I need to tattoo them on the back of his hand.

thanks pam,<BR>i thought i was weird, thought i was loosing my mind or something. it's nice to know that i'm not alone with these weird feelings. i have never been so confused in my life.<BR>you said i was lucky, in that my H is trying to win me back. you know i'm not so sure how i feel about it. he is always telling me, what HE wants and that i'm not giving it to him. he says that he doesn't feel any love coming from me. i know i will always love him, but it's not the same feelings that i once felt. it's like a feeling you would feel for a friend not a husband. does that make sence????<BR>i'm just so confused. it's like i'm trying to put together a giant puzzle, and i can't find all the pieces.<BR>sometimes i wonder if it's love i'm feeling or something else, i just don't know anymore.<BR>i don't have any friends to talk to, that's why i'm here, i need someone to listen to me, reasuring me that i'm not going crazy!!<BR>thanks for listening!!!!!

Dear Sbaby,<P>You can click find and type author NSR, and title "Notable posts/threads", or "books". These will give you some idea on certain issue that were well discussed on these forums and many would have some relevance in your situation.<P>It is termed a rollercoaster ride when we feel the full impact of the affair. I am concerned that your H has gotten a second affair under his belt. He really need to be fully repentant and I would hope you have a curch pastor who is trained in marital counselling to help. If you are in need of prayers, you can go to the Women's Bible Study below this and ask for help.<P>I am glad that you took the step to look for support because this is a tough and bumpy ride to rebuilding and restoring the marriage and one self. Please read as many posts as you can as well as get your hands on some books to help you clear your head and heart a little.<P>Please post again and let us know how you are doing.<P>God Bless you<BR>weep

hello again!!!<BR>i'm gonna check out some of these books, thanks for listening.<BR>well, now i did it, this time he is mad at me, and i think he's gonna give up on me. he bought me a 1/2 dozen roses and a card on sweetys day, and he is very upset because he didn't get anything in return.<BR>on top of all this he is mad at our son. he is 16 and i'm sure very hurting. he told him that he feels abanded, because my son doesn't really hang out with him that much. i tried to explain to my H, that our son hasn't changed.. he's still hanging out with his friends, just like he did before... they never really spend much quality time with each other before and that he couldn't expect to much right now. our son has to deal with this his way.. and his friends are very important to him.<BR>whenever i try to explain our feelings to my H, he gives us a guilt trip and wants us to help him with his. i don't understand... i keep telling him that i have to deal with my feelings first, before i can deal with his..<BR>i don't know what to do anymore....i am so hurt and confused.. i have lost 25 pounds in the last 3 months, well i don't mind that part.LOL<BR>thanks for listening and any advice or help, or just responding to my post is very helpful for me.

ok, here i am again!!!<BR>he hasn't called or talked to me in 3 days. that's very strange for him. i keep thinking...should i call him????????<BR>he told my son, that he wasn't mad at me, just confused!<BR>today i'm gonna spoil myself, i think i deserve it. gonna buy me a new outfit, get a new hairdue, and maybe some bubblebath....<BR>i don't know if it will help my confusion...but i know it couldn't hurt.<BR>what do you guys think, should i call, or stay put????<BR>thanks for listening

Welcome <B>schatzibaby</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <BR>You've been here a while... but it has helped others (even veterans)<P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do work on your understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<P>Do check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>!<P>Other sites that were recommended were...<BR>===><A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_NPT.html" TARGET=_blank>Notable Posts/Threads</A><BR>===><A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_BKS.html" TARGET=_blank>Books</A><P>I hope that helps a little...<P> <P>Jim

ok, now i am even more confused.<BR>i wrote my H a long letter, telling him exactly how i feel.i've been thinking and thinking, and i want this marriage to work. i told him that he could come home, only if he agrees to change, go to marriage counseling, tells me the truth, even if it hurts. i put the letter on his windshield of his truck. when i got home i called him to find out what he thought about the letter. he said that he would have to think about it. that he would call me back... well he hasn't called.<BR>i guess what i don't understand, after all the begging on his part to come home,NOW he has to think about it???????<BR>this rollercoaster is making me really sick.<BR>our son is failing in school, i don't know weather our seperation has something to do with it. our son says "NO", that he just hates school. he only has 2 more years left in school, and i am so scared that he will give up.<BR>what am i gonna do?????????HELP!!!!!!!!!!!