Hi,<P>I read your note to me in Cindiwa's post. You seem to know about these addictions. Would you care sharing your knowledge with me. I do want to help my H out if it is an addiction. Everytime I ask him if he is doing ok. His answer is always yes. I still have problems trusting him, but if he is indeed having some sort of an addiction, how can I help him?? Where do I start?? <P>Pls. help...<P>Thanks,<BR>BJ

Did you read those links I sent to Cindiwa? Those are books that explain in depth what goes on with sexual addiction. There is also within that thread a link to an article that explains in detail the epidemiology of Internet porn addiction. <P>The first thing you must accept is that pornography is an addiction. With any addict, they make promises to themselves that they cannot keep even though at the time they desparately want to quit. After an incident of "acting out" sexually (e.g. chat room sex, porn surfing, movie watching [even on the fuzzy channels]) the guilt is so tremendous and convicting that the mind is so sure that they will never do that anymore that to bring such shame again.<P>There are tremendous spiritual implications to this addiction as well. I don't know if you guys are Christians but there is something there to think about as well.<P>Do you have any specific questions I might could answer?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 2Bornot2B:<BR><B>Everytime I ask him if he is doing ok. His answer is always yes.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>He may be correct when you ask him. He is only not ok when acting out sexually. He may go along fine for a few days, and then one day he can feel within his soul a yearning (to have a fix) and he is compelled to turn on the computer and surf. Once he has become titillated enough he will masturbate. Then comes the shame and the personal confessions and promises (to himself) that he will not do that again because it violates his personal or moral code of behavior.<P>This is how it has been for me. But, now I have to face everyday realizing that it (addiction) is out there waiting to devour me. A lot of people on this board will defend his right to watch porn (or whatever he does) as long as it is in moderation. Well, he may convince himself that if he only "acts out" once or twice a week that he is only moderately viewing it. But, by doing it once or twice a week he has developed a lifestyle of consistency. <P>Everyone falls. Even the most resolute persons. But, the addictive cycle has to be broken and it starts in the mind. Sexual addiction devalues the man and his marriage and he really wants to quit.<P>

Do you have any specific questions I might could answer?<P>Dogbert:<P>Thank you for your input. I will check out those books that you suggested. <P>Now, my question is, how do I approach him with this. I mean I want to lend my support, but how do I bring it up without offending him in any way. I just don't want to puch him away. I would like to have our comfort zone back. I don't want to push him...<P>??BJ

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 2Bornot2B:<BR><B> but how do I bring it up without offending him in any way. I just don't want to puch him away. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Empathy usually gets me to open up about it with my wife. My wife may say, "I just can't imagine how tough it must be to deal with such overwhelming thoughts." She doesn't really ask questions directly like a reporter. She just makes open ended comments like that one there and it makes me feel safe enough to talk about it with her. The struggles and the successes. <P>I would say anymore direct pressing of the issue is likely to have the reverse impact of what you are searching for. Remember, he is probably beating himself up for this already. You see it as him promising something and then going against his promise and his word. He is under compulsion to do this and it is not a deceptive nor deliberate attempt to tell you what you want to hear while so he can go do as he pleases.<P>I say all that assuming he is bothered by his own actions as well. Usually it takes a long time to admit to an addiction and depending on where he his on that journey, he may or may not be ready to admit it.<P>Where do you think he thinks he is on the journey toward admission?<P>

2B-<P>You said something in your other post that triggered something else I want to say. You said that HE said, "I'm just going to stay away from that so I don't think about it." And that he doesn't seem happy about his decision.<P>I can remember precisely how depressed I felt when I got Internet filter software on our computer at home. I was really sad. It felt like my only "avenue" for release was taken away from me. Of course, it doesn't stop everything from coming into your computer, but it certainly takes away a lot of stuff.<P>I was sad because what I was really dealing with was a more general problem with lust. The pornography was just my escape valve when I felt the tensions mount from lust that I may have been carrying with me for days or from trying to fight off lust in my mind for days. The Internet was my escape hatch to get my release. This is the essence of the addictive cycle. What has to be understood about your husband is that he is normal first off. And second, he has a more central problem of how he deals with lust and what it means to him. For me, lust and loneliness made (and make) for a deadly combination. And depending on how I am doing with it determines my success in avoiding pornography. Pornography is not the problem, lust is the problem. It is something that ravages a man's soul day after day. A man can't go anywhere without "almost" literally having cleavage or tight jeans stare him right in the face. Yesterday for me was extremely difficult because everywhere I went there were examples I just mentioned.<P><sigh>

Another thing - Your H is probably very ashamed that you know this about him. The addictive cycle started way before you two met I would bet.<P>I should also state that my wife knowing about this with me and her constant support has been invaluable to me. Even though she knows and is supportive, it is ultimately up to me how I conduct my life everyday. She doesn't ask how I am doing. I guess she has faith in me which reminds me I need to talk to her. <P>I couldn't imagine how I would have reacted had she gotten mad or hurt by the revelation. Probably would've isolated me far more to keep it from her. And moreover, if I couldn't tell my wife, my best and most intimate friend, who could I tell? Probably nobody. This kind of sin breeds in secrecy.<P>Look. You are a strong woman. You know that. Decide right now to separate your feelings from his actions. This has nothing to do with you at all. If you love him you will do all you can to support him with love by not accusing him of lying and rather trying to educate yourself and learn more about the addiction. <p>[This message has been edited by Dogbert (edited October 24, 2000).]

And moreover, if I couldn't tell my wife, my best and most intimate friend, who could I tell? Probably nobody. This kind of sin breeds in secrecy.<P>This is what I am longing for. For my H to realize that I am here for him. I don't know that I've done the right things to let him see that. I feel guilty for not being able to support him so far, due to my own anger and frustration. I want so much to have my best friend, my H back and comfortable with me. I know I can't force that to happen, but I will take what you said into great consideration and hope to gain that friendship and trust back from him. It's such a difficult struggle, yet I find myself trying different things to get through this. I will read more about sexual addiction so that I can be more of a supportive W to him.<P>I guess it just takes time for him to actually open up to me. And I will be patient till' that happens. I am just afraid that he will keep the secrecy to himself and not ever open up.<P>BJ

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 2Bornot2B:<BR><B> I am just afraid that he will keep the secrecy to himself and not ever open up.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Listen, if he wants to talk to somebody, I will. He can email me at ba_matthews@yahoo.com. I don't know how you would do it, but I have great appreciation for the struggle.<P>You can do this. Believe in yourself. Don't think things like "if I were more of what he needed in a wife then he wouldn't need pornography." That is incorrect thinking.<P>Did you read the article on Internet Porn Addiction?<P>

I am actually very aware of my self-healing. I've realized that this has nothing to do with me. I just want to approach the situation in a matter where I won't be too pushy. I understand that his actions are his own and there is nothing I can do to stop him from what he wants to do. All I can do is to be there for support. I have recognized my anger and am trying very hard to overcome my heartache. I am a strong person, who only wishes to have the friend and lover that I married back in my life. I understand that I must be there to help and not to make matters worse. That's why I want to learn how I could do that. I must be honest in saying that I have lost myself in my own grief due to my H's actions, but I am slowly regaining my self confidence back. I will keep my head held up high and be as understanding to his addiction as I can. <P>-And I guess your whole point in this matter is that as much as I need that support for my grief, he must need 10X as much for his addiction. If only we had a better understanding of each other, we probably would be able to talk about it honestly and comfortably. I think somewhere along the line, we lost that communication and we can't seem to find it. I think he and I both feel the same way when I say our comfort level for each other has greatly decreased and now, it is difficult to regain it...<P>BJ

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 2Bornot2B:<BR><B>All I can do is to be there for support. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have a cousin who married a guy and not long after they married she found out he was addicted to drugs. I forget which ones. But, she impressed me that she stayed with him and they have been married for a long time now. I am sure it was tough for her at first like it is for you.<P>I would say that yes you do need to support him in this struggle. But I am not sure he needs 10x what you do. I mean, you or anyone else can only do so much. An understanding wife goes a long way toward helping but it is not the only solution. <P>He needs accountability with someone. A man who's been there. And it is something so touchy that I couldn't imagine trying to tell one of my friends. <P>Maybe you could print out some of the things I have written and see if he identifies with any of it. That alone may give him comfort.<P>Let me know about your progress. <P>

Thank you so much for your input. I am sure to learn from a lot of things that you have mentioned. <P>I will keep posting, for it does help me get through the tougher times in life...