H. said he doesn't have to answer my questions. I asked him if he is still talking with OW. He said it is none of my business and he is not going to rehash it again. For me to drop it. Then in the next breath, he tells me he has known for years that I have had mulitple affairs with all kinds of men. That strange men walk up to him and tell him they have had me. ANd how He knows I have had affairs with my step brother, my brother's best friend, the school janitor, my best friend's husband, and others. When I ask him how he knows these things, he smiles and then tells me he just knows, and that he has been told by these men. Well, my best friend and her husband laughed and said they have never spoken to my H. and the janitor and his wife, said they don't even know who my husband is, my brother's best friend tried to confront H. but H. refused, saying that all my brother's friend would lie for me, same as my step-brother. When confronted, H. doesn't change his story, he makes excusses. Maybe I am wrong, but I am so confused. Now what do I do?

Your H is trying to turn the focus off of his infidelity by playing mind games with you and making you defensive.<P>I dealt with the same thing for years. Anytime I would ask H who he cheated with after I was diagnosed with trichomonas, he would turn it around to where he accused me of getting it from some other man.<P>YOU know you haven't been with anyone else, and he knows it, too; so, don't let him get to you.<P>My H once made the remark that what he did was none of my business. I didn't cry or scream at him, but I did tell him a little later, when he asked where I was going, "That comes under the heading of "my business".<P>He's also made the remark, in public, that he would do whatever the he&#0124;&#0124; he wanted to do. I told him, "Yes, you can; but bear in mind that I can also do whatever the he&#0124;&#0124; <B>I</B> want to do, too." I got a rousing cheer from his buddies for that one! <P>So, I'm presuming that you probably know if your H is seeing the OW or not. So, why keep asking him?<P>If I were you, I'd Plan A, but go about my own life. Detach yourself a bit from your H. Go shopping or to visit girlfriends without telling him where you're going. For a while, I made sure that I was the last one home. If H was out, I went out. After a while, he started wondering what I was doing...if I might be looking for someone else. I had told him that I was feeling just as lonely and unloved in our marriage as he had been, and that I sometimes thought about finding someone else to REALLY love me, but that the only reason I hadn't was because I was MARRIED, same as he was.<P>Don't put yourself in a vulnerable position, but the way your H sounds, he might need to realize that he needs to win YOU back if he wants to stay in the marriage.<BR>

Sweet Pea: Thank you for the wonderful advice. I will do as you suggest. I too, will treat him as he treats me. I will not answer to him, and lets see how well he likes it. Bravo to you sweet Pea, thank you. I will keep your words of wisdom in my mind and heart. gn

Hi guys,<P>You'll probably want to slap me after you raed this and for that I am sorry.<P>I am assuming that we are all here because we are in pain and want some support and resources to get our marriages back on track. Dr. Harley has laid out the steps in order to reach that goal. Plan A, when done correctly can leave you feeling a lot more sane and will most likely get the attention of our WS. I don't think that making biting remarks about what is and isn't their business will help things at all. In fact, I believe that would be considered a love buster. This is something you are saying hurts you and yet you want to do the very same thing to your spouse. I understand where that comes from but it wont get you what you want. I wouldn't start going out and staying out without explanation. This just strengthens his beliefs that you are not the one for him and the OW is. Remember the golden rule, "Do unot others as you would have them do unto you"? I believe that is the appropriate response. Go out, but tell him where you will be and who you are with. Don't add even more issues to an already complicated situation. They are wayward and living in a fog, so they say and do things that dont make sense. When you start to do those same things to "one up" them, does that make you any more right? I know it hurts and that more often than not you will have to bite your tongue. In the end though, you will know that you did everything in your power to save that marriage. take care<P>cleo

I didn't mean to imply that I was hateful toward my H when I told him this stuff. I did my best to say it in a flirtacious and sassy manner....sort of a "bantering tone". I was actually rather "coy" with him.<P>Plan A the whole time. Just be rather mysterious. When my H would ask me where I'd been, sometimes I would just say, "Out." Other times, I would come home and tell him about the really terrific stuffed mushroom appetizer I had at a bar & grill.<P>After a couple of months of this, he finally asked me what I did when I went out to bars (if he only knew that most of the time, my GF and I groused about husbands and ex-husbands at her house or went shopping! )<BR>I told him that I didn't go out to bars all the time....that sometimes we just went out to eat or went shopping. He then said, "Well, I just don't like the idea of your hanging out at bars and men hitting on you. It's not safe."<P>So, he still thought of me as HIS wife. Anyway, after a while I gradually slacked off on the going out...mostly because he slacked off on the deer camp nights and going out for drinks without me (usually after he arranged for the 4 grandkids to all spend the night without telling me in advance! Trying to keep me home where I wouldn't catch him maybe?)<P>No, just make a life for yourself. Have some fun, get a makeover. Be a little mysterious about what you're doing, and always be sweeter than pie to him. If you tell him that what you do is your business, say it in a playful way with a smile and a wink. If your H would get mad, don't say it. Just tell him that you've decided that life's too short to not do some of the things that you want to do, so you're gonna have some fun. You might even casually invite him along or not, as you like. I will say that it really got my H's nose out of joint when I went out to the bar one night after work and didn't invite him along, in spite of his previously telling me that he didn't want to have to "be up my butt" all the time.<P>On another occasion, he went out to the bar alone after we had a tiff, even though I had asked him not to go there without me. I gussied myself up and went on out there. I spoke to everyone, including him; and went to talk with a lady friend who was sitting elsewhere. H finally came over and said, "Well, I guess you're ignoring me now huh? " (referring to my earlier complaints that when we went out, he talked to everybody but me.) "Not at all," I replied. "I just figured that I'd give you your space....trying not to be 'up your butt'."<P>We've had our "go-rounds", but it's really weird that I get better results from him when I'm a teensy bit witchy...enough so that I show him that I'm not willing to be a doormat. I dunno!<P>Anyway, you know how your H will react to your behaviors better than I do. Think carefully about how he has reacted to things in the past. Even when you're being "sassy", you can still Plan A. I can remember that I was pretty sassy and a little bit smart-alecky with my H when we were dating, so maybe my sassiness is making him see me more as I was when we were dating.

Thank you for those words of wisdom. But I just don't think it is fair for me to answer all his questions, and he not answer one. Not one! If i do not answer his questions, he starts yelling at me, calling me horrible names, and insinuating that I am having an affiar. But when I answer him, and then ask him to answer mine, he leaves, or again starts with the be littling and put downs. All I need is to know that the OW is out of our lives! He refuses to give me this information. I am not sure I can live like this, not knowing anything about his life. He won't even give me the phone number to call him if there is an emergency with one of the kids. What am I suppose to do? Give in, and always wonder if the OW is gone? Continue this battle until my needs are met? WHAT!?! I am not asking for anything but the truth. Help me please! gn