The (one-time) affair that my husband had seems to be something I have question about and alot of which he cannot answer, because he says he don't remember. It's been a year ago and it's hard to remember that far back.Why should it be? I love my husband but, I feel like he don't want to tell me everything becaause he feels it will really hurt me. Well, I'm already hurting and if he tells me anything extra to what was really going on will not harm me anymore. I told him that I would ask the woman herself, why would she do this? She knew he was married. What did she hope to gain from this? Someone I need to know just what I should and shouldn't do because I don't want to hurt anyone the way I'm hurting. Can someone give me some answers or suggestions as to what I may need to do? Help!!!!

Melinda,<BR>I read this forum every day, ordinarily do not post replies as I have only know about my W infidelity for 2 weeks and I do not feel qualified. However having been where you are sitting hitting refresh and waiting for a response I felt compelled to reply. I’ve noticed that most of the folks currently using the site do so at night and you will undoubtedly receive more answers by morning.<BR>More than likely your H does not want to give you the details because he knows it will hurt you more, and he will be faced with dealing with your pain. He probably just wants you to forget the whole thing, which you will never do. If details are what you need to start the forgiving process you must calmly explain that to him and not over react to the answers as that will only make matters worse. <P>It’s been a year and it sounds like you’re trying to deal with this alone. If that is so, you have to seek some outside help If it’s impossible to access a counselor, pastor or some other professional at least start reading on the subject and learn how and why it happens and how to heal from it. Again I am no expert but have found great information and peace from the book "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder and from the bible.<P>Stays strong you are not alone in this, I’m sure you’ll receive other responses offering more help and encouragement soon. <BR>

I repsonded to your first post...<P>I ask you to reread my reponse...<BR>===><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000385.html" TARGET=_blank>I believe it's addiction, he says it was a game</A><P>The idea proposed by <B>oswald</B>... is right on...<BR>...some good counseling is in order...<BR>...perhaps with a good christian counselor!!!<P>Check out these books as well...<BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR></OL><P>Forgiveness doesn't have to mean immediately forgetting all the hurt...<BR>...but it is a first step in releasing the pain... and start a necessary (albeit slow) forgetting process.<P> <P>Jim

Your husband might be shielding you from further pain and he could be shielding himself from it as well. But I also believe that the "I don't remember/know" answer is a legitimate answer. There were many questions that my husband gave this answer to and I was asking those questions just days and weeks after his affair was revealed and ended. I finally came to a place where I understood that his inability to remember many of the details was a symbol of how little the ow and the affair meant to him. Right or wrong, most people involved in an affair turn their brains off....perhaps this is how they can do what they do and live with it afterwards.<P>I don't know the details of your situation, but I can tell you that oswald's advice to read Torn Asunder and get into counseling is excellent. Torn Asunder is, in my opinion, the best book available on healing after an affair. I also found tremendous comfort and guidance through God's Word and the devotion book Experiencing God Day by Day by Henry Blackaby.<P>Restoration is a process and it takes time and effort. It isn't something that will fall into your lap while you sit waiting for it. You must take active steps to reach it. There are days where you will make good forward progress and days where you will slip back a little....this is why the term "rollercoaster" is so accurate. I can promise you, though, from a perspective that is 2 1/2 years away from the revelation and end of the affair, that the ride is worth it. My marriage is as good or better than it has ever been. We celebrated our 22nd anniversary last month and are truly happy and content. We are looking forward to the next 22 years and more. I will never be grateful for the sin that came into my life, but I am eternally grateful for the way God revealed Himself to me and worked in my life and marriage.<P>As for how to deal with the unanswered questions.... My suggestion is to write them down on a piece of paper and give it to your husband. Ask him to keep it and either write any answers he remembers or come to you if he remembers something. You may well find that simply getting the questions out of your head will make the answers less important. My husband agreed to come to me if he remembered anything and that promise still stands today. He hasn't remembered anything in quite some time....and my need for those answers has all but gone away.<BR>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<p>[This message has been edited by HGBrawner (edited October 27, 2000).]