Hello,<BR>I posted about 3 weeks ago. In short, my wife wants to leave and get her own apartment. She told me we had marital problems about a year ago. She didn't want to go to counseling because she didn't want to be pushed and thought it wouldn't help. She doesn't know if she loves me anymore, but she does love or have great feelings for another man. This man is her sisters old boyfriend from about 13 years ago. I confronted her about it on October 9 when I got into her e-mail and found out that it was way more than just friends.<P>She said she would not contact him anymore and I also called him and told him to leave my wife alone. Well guess what? I just found out a little bit ago that she has been talking to him by e-mail and chatting with him on-line. I found this out because I set the logging function to "on" on her chat program. I was gone for three days for work last week and thats when she chatted to him.<P>The affair is not physical because of distance, but what he and she wrote, they seem eager to get physical.<P>I have had 2 counseling sessions with Steve Harley, the last of which was Friday. I didn't know the chat thing happened at that time. My wife talked to Steve on Thursday. She chatted with the other man on Wednesday night.<P>When I confronted her 3 weeks ago, I agreed to not tell anyone about this man, because her parents would be really upset and the OM doesn't want my wifes sister bothering him. My wifes sister can really be a devious Bi**h when she wants to be.<P>Well I need suggestions. I feel like driving to this guys house and kicking his A**! I want to tell her parents and her sister the crap that is going on! This man has no pain in his life and is having fun. I know my wife plays a part in this affairs too, but if the other man wasn't there, I think she would work on this marriage a bit better. I know she cares for me and has feelings for me, because if she didn't she would already be gone.<P>Should I confront my wife...again?<BR>Should I kick the OM butt?...I sure would make me feel better.<BR>I'm tired of being nice and understanding.<BR>I'm afraid if I do something drastic,that I'll loose her forever!!

Well, first off, no, you should not go after the OM. I know the thought is oh so tempting. Had those thoughts much more than once. lol<P>If your wife agreed not to contact OM the first time you confronted her, then yes, I'd have to say you need to let her know you are aware that she did not keep her word.<P>Should you tell her sister or parents? Well, that's a tough one. On the one hand, affairs flourish in secrecy, so if you blow them out of the water it will definitely make the relationship a lot less comfortable for them both. On the other hand, I think it would probably be a HUGE LB to your wife. So I would suggest you confront you wife again first, and then decide what to do next based on her reaction.

I would seriously advise against driving to his house and having an altercation. Your wife has feelings for him and this would only hurt your chances more, “Love buster” and yes something drastic might cause you to lose her. If you really want to save your relationship you’ll have to continue as you say, to be nice and understanding “make those deposits”. (On the lighter side if he lives that far away gas prices are far to high to waste the money on him.) The same goes for telling her sister and parents, this may help you feel better but only temporarily and it will drive her further from you. Wouldn’t you feel better in the long run knowing you were strong enough to accept the fact that somehow you were not meeting her needs, and you made a conscious decision to change, nurture your relationship, and deposit enough love that your wife simply can’t bring herself to hurt you any longer? Think of the pain he will have the day she tells him that she loves her husband and can not speak with him any longer. My situation is a bit different, my wife ended it before telling me, however from all my reading I’ve learned that at this point your wife is going to feel a loss and will go through some withdraw when she does finally break it off. Understandably you are angry, she made a decison to hurt you by starting this thing but remember she thinks she needs this relationship to fill some void, it is her crutch. Don’t drive her to him. You're here seeking help so you certainly love her keep that in mind always. <P>My thoughts will be with you. I find great strength in replacing the word love with my own name in this bible verse, maybe it will help.<P>Love is patient love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. " <P>1 Corinthians 13:4-8<BR>

Hi,<P>Wow! Do I feel for you. It brings back the early times a few months' ago when I found out about my H's A. He told me he did stop contacting her and he quit his job and is now working someplace else. She was a co-worker.<P>I still don't feel secure that he is not emailing her even though he swears he isn't. My H is a computer whiz so I wouldn't know if he was still in contact.<P>But, your W has to stick to her word not to contact him and to start concentrating on your marriage. While she is still in contact, your relationship won't work. When they are attached to the the other person, they can't see you in a positive light. This would make what they are doing wrong. <P>The only thing I can think to advise you is to remember the push/pull factor. When one person pushes; the other person pulls away. It might help you to disengage yourself. Yes, I know this is hard. Back away. Start working on yourself. Get some good books on Surviving Affairs. Check this site for names of books to read. <P>I think if you distance yourself a little, she will start wondering about what you are thinking. She might start thinking that she will lose you and this will put a whole new focus on her thoughts. Right now she is the Star of her own production. Two men are focused on her.<P>I'm not talking about ignoring her, just remove yourself from the cast of characters in her intrigue. Stop reacting to what she is doing and start taking action. Tell her that you can't work on your marriage properly while she is in contact with the OM. Tell her you want your marriage to work and you are there for here if she wants to talk. Tell her you won't be involved in her triangle. Then start working on yourself. Let her think about what she is doing. <P>This is my humble opinion and you can decide if it is something that would work in your situation. I know you are in a really bad situation emotionally now. Stopping the frenzied reactions to what another person is doing can give you some objectivity and help you sort out your feelings. Take care....

Thank you for your reply's. I needed to vent this morning. I know I should not LB, but sometimes it seems like the right thing to do, even though I know its wrong.<P>I won't go and kick the OM A**. He's not worth the gas money to get there. My thoughts of doing it seemed really good at the time. As for the secrecy of this affair, it kills me that she is doing this to me and thinks that I won't tell, so she feels protected. It probably will be a LB if I did tell because her parents would be made and her sister would give the OM huge problems. <P>I know I did not meet her emotional needs in the past. I have been trying for a year without apparent success. I will confront her when I feel I can control myself from LBing.<P>Thanks to all who listen and comment. Venting here is about the only way to keep me from LBing.