Hello,<BR>I have decided to confront my wife tonight about her contacting the OM when she said she wouldn't. From my last posting, you can see I just found out she was still contacting OM about 3 days ago. My first confrontation was about a month ago and she said she wouldn't contact him. She has been lying to me for this past month and that is why things haven't really changed and she doesn't want to work on our relationship.<P>I feel I can control myself so I won't LB. I know that I may get a little attitude going at some point, but will try to suppress it.<P>I hate this crap. I hate feeling that my wife doesn't love me anymore. I hate all this secrecy and lies. I hate the fact that it has been a year that she told me about the problems, I have tried to change and improve things, but she won't give things a chance.<P>She keeps looking for an apartment that she can afford that isn't too crappy. She says it is to get away to see what she wants. I can't help but think that it is more so she can talk to and be with the OM when he comes for a visit, which he said he would in early spring.<P>Please say a prayer for me that I can confront her without doing too much LBing.

“IMVHO I am no expert - just human” <BR>Looking back over your crisis I would have to agree with Max’s response to your original post. Maybe it’s time for some tough love. As it stands you're following plan A and she knows there is a problem but doing nothing to change. This could be giving her a fall back stance if this “A” doesn’t work out. This is a tough situation, I feel for you, not only are you trying to deal with her emotional attachment, but also contending with a fantasy, his being 1000 miles away lends itself to her fantasizing that he is the perfect guy. That’s easy to do when there is absolutely no day to day real life experiences happening between them. <BR> <BR>Maybe its time to call her bluff “or not” She says she wants to leave and expresses that she’s looking but is she? Could it be that under the current circumstance she has her cake and gets to eat it too. I am all in favor doing everything possible to keep making deposits and build her love but you have to have respect for yourself and she needs to show some of the respect your offering. If she wanted out bad enough she would go to her parent’s house, tell them the deal and stay there till she could get on her feet. Be strong, hold your temper, and hold your ground. I’ not saying throw her out but you can certainly calmly express that you need to go on, preferably with her but not at your emotional expense. Be sure you can take her walking out, it may just happen and may just need to, to wake her up. In the end if you can’t live with that - do nothing. <BR>You can count on a prayer in your behalf, from here.<BR>

Oswald,<BR>Thanks for the pray, because I'll need it. In reply to one of your comments,she actually is looking at apartments, but can't find one to meet her liking for the price she can afford. I am afraid of calling her bluff because I believe she will leave. That is a chance that I have to and am willing to take because I can't stand the secrecy anymore.<P>I feel that when I confronted her the first time a month ago, it "popped" the secrecy bubble, but only to be enclosed inside another bubble which I have formed. By me not telling anyone, except Steve harley of course, the rotton secret is between me, her, and the OM. So, nothing really changed except that I knew her relationship with this "friend" was more than friendship.<P>I'm tired of feeling that I'm playing the part of the "FOOL". I will try to confront her in a loving way, but how do you confront your wife with this kind of crap in a loving way!! It is tough!<P>

First off you’re not playing the part of a fool. Anything but, you’re trying to save something that is very valuable to you. <P>"how do you confront your wife with this kind of crap in a loving way!!" <P>I don’t know if you can do it in a loving way, but you can do it in non-confrontational way. Tell her the way you’re telling us very matter of fact, your hurt, you want to work on recovering and creating something better, but you can’t do it alone. If you think you may explode or she may over react, write her a letter, give it to her and go for a walk so she has time to digest your thoughts before she gives you a knee jerk response.<BR>

It has been my experience that unless you love yourself you cannot expect love from others. Unless you respect yourself you cannot expect respect from others. Instead of trying to convince your wife who wants to leave to stay with you I would tell her that you will help her find an apartment so she can leave to find her happiness. And then file for divorce. Tell her that you love her but if she is unhappy than you are not going to make her stay married to you. By dealing with her in this way you will change the dynamics of your relationship with her in that you will no longer be her security net in case the other relationship fails and second, you are removing any demands or obligations that you have on each other..therefore opening up the relationship on more equal basis. She can no longer cheat on you because you are not married to her. Reality returns in a mutually respectful way.