Four days ago my wife confessed that she's having an affair with a guy she dated 20 years ago.She says she still loves me and doesn't want me to leave yet she's still seeing him.She doesn't know what she wants to do.How long should I have to live with her indecision.I love her dearly and am having to watch every word I say for fear of driving her away.She leaves for what she says will be a couple of hours and I don't hear from her for 8 or 10 hours .I'm a wreck.

Welcome <B>Frank46</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.mycgiserver.com/~imherczeg/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on what we call <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...see also... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>You are not alone! <P> <P>Jim

I am so sorry that you have to have this happen in your life. First, I hope you have read the stuff from NSR. At this point, there is not much you can do to "make" your wife see things differently or stop what is happening. But you can help yourself feel better and put the fear & hurt in it's place. It won't go away, but you can get to the point were it is not controlling you. Your wife is in a state of mind that is very much like a drug or an addiction. Love & affection is about the only thing that can cut through the fog.<P>Being kind & loving is a natural way to "do Plan A". I don't know if you are reading Harley "Surviving an Affair", but it is what helped me hold on. Do you have children? One thing that helped me was really keeping conversations more focused on children & how this was impacting them than on us or his affair. I don't know if that will work for you or not.<P>It may take months for this to turn around. Is the OM married? Does he have anything to loose? If there is little fear of loss (job, children, etc.) then it is a little more difficult (in my opinion) for the cloud to lift. My H stopped at least to think about our children & his job. Too many other things that he loved were jepordized. It would have been nice if he was thinking of me, but that has just slowly started to occur after 10 months.<P>I hope your W will at least disconnect from OM and agree to no contact. That would be a good step & then you could work on your marriage. But she may not do it for awhile.<P>Take care of your self in the interium. Try to keep focused on positive things in your life & keep up Plan A. Do not let this OM take away your peace of mind. <P>Carolyn