We've been married for almost 20 years. Over the last 5 years our relationship cooled somewhat, but not too bad - I thought! My wife went on a trip a few weeks ago, back to our old childhood/youth hometown, to visit family and friends.<P>She told me she had contacted an old mutual male friend and they had gone out for a drink together. OK, I thought! But when I met her off the plane, I knew things had changed - she was so cold toward me. This continued for a few days, and eventually I challenged her about it and she admitted her and this old friend had spent more time together, but she assured me it was just walking, talking, looking at the ocean, and holding hands.<P>Her body language etc told me there was soemthing more so I did something I'm not proud of. I used a file recovery program on the computer to retrieve deleted email messages. And there I found almost daily communication telling how much they missed each other, and how they'd like to be together etc. They had also set up some undeleted 'clean' emails to stop me getting suspicious.<P>I confronted her with this and, after a night apart, we talked. She still insists hand-holding was as far as it went and my question is, if this is true, and there was nothing in the emails to suggest it isn't, am I wrong to feel like she has cheated on me? She certainly doesn't seem to feel like she has done anything wrong. <P>If she had come out and told me straight after she got back it would have been better - but to hide it and continue by email just tears me up. She sees my email snooping as an invasion of her privacy, but I would never have done it if I wasn't already deeply suspicious.<P>seagull

This definitely counts as cheating - she is emotionally involved with someone else, letting that person fulfill her emotional needs and not letting you. This can be more damaging than a physical affair. I'm sorry to be blunt but that's a fact. She has definitely done something wrong but she is in a fog and cannot see that. You need to be so strong right now. Check out Plan A on this website and the book "Surviving an Affair". <BR>I'm sure you'll get lots of help from others on this forum.<BR>

Thanks for the reassurance. She has such a strong personality that she almost had me convinced! She said I should have just waited and that it would all have died away after some time. But how long should I have waited - another week, a month, a year?<P>I'm trying to be strong, but I feel like crying the whole time. Today at work has been<BR>awful. I can't concentrate on anything, and when you're a univ. prof. trying to teach a class that makes it difficult.<P>I know that I must take responsibility for everything that led her to a point where, when placed in that situation, she chose him over me. But I simply can't accept that I can be blamed for finding out!<P>Wihtout even knowing what it seems that I have already started to put plan A into action. I just have to make sure that she doesn't contact him again. But how can I be sure if I don't do more snooping, thus incurring her wrath once again?

I feel that your W. cheated on you, with her heart. I know how this feels, because my H.'s A. was an EA over the internet. H. gave the words of love, encouragement, dreams, hopes and fears to the OW. H. told Ow I was mentally unstable, and that I tried to hurt myself weekly, i.e. suicide. H. told her how I would email hate mail, and destroy them. No mention of his responsibility to me or our children. My heart aches for you, and I know this will be a long road to recovery. I wish you well. gn

God this is hard. How do people do it for months on end? How do I increase my level of emotional commitment to my W, and at the same time try and deal with the torrent of feelings swirling round in me? I'm trying to be close to her, but, of course, I'm getting nothing back. How long does this last?<P>I've slept about 4 hours in the last 5 nights and I know it shows in my performance at work. Is medication the way to go to keep me level while she sorts her emotions out?

Those torrents of feelings slow down in time. I slept very little and ate very little for two months after dday . (Dropped 17 pounds!) All I can say is that time does help, it has been almost six months now and I can finally go days without bursting into tears. Time, time, time, plan A, plan A, prayer, this forum all will help you on this crazy emotional journey you are on.

A better day today. I slept all night for the frst time in almost a week (through sheer exhaustion I suppose) and feel a bit clearer today.<P>Last night W asked why I wasn't sleeping. She really didn't know! I said I was a bit depressed. Her response, "That makes two of us." I understand now that it's going to take a long time for her to realise what she's done to me, and probably even longer to admit it. Like you said Alberta - time,time,time.<P>Coming here has made all the difference to me, knowing other people understand how I feel. Thanks.

Well, what a difference a few days can make. I am now 9 days out from d-day and the last couple of days have been pretty good. Last Friday, after reading through some more stuff on MB I began to realise what I'd been doing all these years to drive my W to the point where she felt able to have the EA. I'd been so busy trying to be superman at work, with the best intentions of supporting my family financially, that I forgot how to be a good father and husband at home.<P>We had lunch together on Friday and I told her this. We didn't talk about the A but we did have some of the best conversation we've had for a few years! We spent Saturday night away from home (the whole family) on a trip that had been planned for several weeks, and the whole trip went well. W even reached out and held my hand while we were walking! In the hotel that night we cuddled in bed to keep warm, and back at home on Sunday night she asked for a hug in bed again!!!<P>We still haven't discussed the A any more, but I feel like we are depositing lots of love units in preparation for when we do.<P>We are going to be OK, I'm pretty sure of it now. I'm also pretty sure she still doesn't realise how much she hurt me, but in time I hope she will come to understand.<P>

Hi seagull,<BR>Alberta is correct. Your W is in an EA, it's more devastating than a mere PA. My H is in one with a beautiful accomplished brilliant younger woman who he calls his BestFriend. <P>See a psychiatrist for meds. You are in for more pain, meds may help you stabliize.<P>Gotta go. My shrink is waiting for me!<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess