Okay, I stopped emailing the OW, and my H. wants reconcillitation, but yet I am not sure he has stopped emailing OW. I ask him, he says he doesn't want to talk about it. Holidays are up coming, My mom wants me to go to her home, my h. wants to have thanksgiving as a family at my home??? Totally confused, what is the next step? Every one says to dump him, but my feelings for him are to strong, now what do I do? Listen to them, or listen to my heart? I am going crazy, and I feel pressured to decide. But I know my marriage has to be better than it was, it can not go back to where it was. I guess, I am not proressing very far. I am not sure what to do. gn

Snug,<BR>It's good to hear from you again, I was starting to worry about you. I hope my last reply was not too strong. You just seemed like you needed a kick in the pants. We ALL have these feelings. My vote is to go with your heart. You’re the one who has to live it. Those who haven’t been there (or here literally) can’t relate. Your getting advised to dump him from folks who have no idea what it’s like. That’s certainly not to say they don’t care very much about you. But human nature says to take the easy road and that’s what they are advising. Have faith you’re progressing, you’re just in the old one step forward and two steps back mode. It’s natural, God I hope it is, because I do it also. It seems like things get going fine, then BAM something sets me back again. I know I’ve mentioned this in other posts but have you started reading the book “Torn Asunder”? It is helping me with some of these issues. Not all but some, it may help you understand where you are in the process. God Bless and keep the strength.<BR>

Thank you Oswald. I am just taking it one day at a time. Right now I am reading, "The God of All Comfort" because I need comfort so badly right now. I feel alone one moment, and then the next I feel I can conquer the world alone! It is amazing how I can go from one dazed moment to the next. I know these facts: 1) I love my husband completely and devoted to him 2) I believe we can have a future together, 3) The ow woman is very nice, and seems to have withdrawn from my Husband 4) He is a wonderful loving father, 5) I must have done something for him to reach out to another, but what? 6) If this marriage is going to work, I need to make changes to better myself, and turn my Husband over to God for HIM to work in. That is what I know to be facts. Now I will take it slow, and listen with my heart, my head, and my ears to wait for the next step, hopefully to recovery. Thank you, some times this forum is the only thing that is keeping me sane. gn

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by snugglermi:<BR><B>I must have done something for him to reach out to another, but what?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Please remember that we are all responsible for our own actions. Never take any of the blame for his infidelity. You may have a part in some of your marital problems, but you did not cause him to cheat on you. He did that all on his own.<P>As you know, I am having many problems with my H right now. I know we have our problems, and I am part of them, but in no way will I take the blame for his wanting another woman. <P>Don't get me wrong, I truly believe in forgiving my H if he has shown me he has changed, unfortunately that may take many years, and I don't know how he will do it.<P>Can you tell I am bitter?

I don’t necessarily agree. True It’s not something we did that caused it. It’s what we didn’t do. There was a need(s) that we were not filling. While I (We) did not make the decision to stray, I believe the lack of meeting that need fed into it a great deal, somehow made it easier to do. My plan is to fix me first, find out what I was not doing (Snug’s #5) meet her needs, and build from there. I know it’s not easy to do when you’re on the roller coaster, I loose focus often but I’m determined. Cindiwa, Yes I can tell your bitter. That’s OK I get bitter several times a day, but I’ve noticed I like myself better when I'm not so I try to avoid it. Please don’t bite my head off but If you want your H to change maybe you have to go first.

I agree with you Oswald. I am focusing on me, but there are times H. tells me I am not giving him enough attention. It is hard to break away from responsibilities and give him attention. H. demands attention when it is the most inconvient for me i.e. at work, when the kids are doing their homework, etc. H. does not work, our roles are reversed, except that H. does not do housework unless he feels guilty, H. does help with homework (when he is in the mood) and H. does his laundry, not the kids, and H. does not do PTA, and Parent Teacher meetings, and field trips, and run errands like grocery shopping. every thing like that is up to me. I work 54 hours a week to meet the financial needs of my family. My H. has credit card debt of $5,000.00 and I have credit card debt of 1,500.00 and there is car insurance and monthly responsibility. So, what now? I do not have time to drop everything and give him attention. I have to ask him for a hug, a kiss, and when he wants sex and I am tired, or in my cycle, bam! I'm having an affair, and don't love him anymore. Sex is just that, sex. THere is no touching, kissing, or any romance. ANd then he leaves to go to his mothers. Is this a healthy relationship? Is this what a marriage is suppose to be? I have no experience to make a judgement on what a good marriage is so to be---gn

I get what you are saying about fulfulling each other's emotional needs, however, our H's are not making the right choice by going elsewhere to get it. Don't worry I won't bite your head off . If you have read any of my posts, you will see that my H has had a problem with this since before we were married. Therefore, I don't see how I could be the problem. I have only been married 2 1/2 years, and get along really well. We are very loving, and have a lot of fun together. It's all very confusing.

Now what? Tonite H. was here, grumpy and irrated with the kids. Earlier H. told me that he was sorry for the EA and that it was over, and that he really loved me. I was elated, but when I got home, he was angry, and lashed out, blaming me, saying that I had to give up my Church, and that I was unstable emotionaly, and that it was all my fault. I stood quietly in the pouring rain, and said "I understand how you feel, I am sorry you feel that way, that was not my intention, I am not going to "fix" any thing, I want to heal myself and move forward pass the pain, the lies, and the mistrust". Hubby then told me I was just playing head games with him, that I was leaning on my church to help fix me. I responeded " I get encouragement, prayer, and I worship my God in my CHurch". H. responded that the Church was my crutch, and that he did not approve of my decision, and that we could not go on if I chose to go to my CHurch. How did we get from his lies, and blame to my CHurch? I don't know, it just lead there. Hubby told me that I needed therapy, but he didn't and that I was to show more honor to him by not wearing make up, not doing my hair, not to look at people in the public, and to keep my self honorable in thought and mind. I kept my temper, and said, "Then can I expect the say behavior from you" He said he didn't have a problem. IT was my problem. I am tired, so very tired. I not sure now If I can save this marriage. gn

This may get me kicked off these boards, BUT,<P>If what you relate of your last interaction with your husband is all factually correct, and given your history with him, his work habit's (or lack thereof), both in and out of the home, I'd suggest applying the ole Ann Landers Marital Compatiblilty test:<P>"Are you better off with him or without him?"<P>Now, only you can answer that question. From what you have posted, I don't think you enjoy being a doormat for his life. He is heading off in some very controlling, BS kind of directions with this latest interchange. <P>Ditch the b*****d. Get yourself a life without him- you'll be a lot happier alone than with him, and then you CAN work on your personal issues and development without his interference and BS. <P>Regards, and best wishes for your future.<P>-Jon

Jon, I don't think your opinion will get you kicked off the board. We all have bitter moments and that is perfectly understandable and you may have some valuable input. But try to remember we are here to save the M not kill it. I have a completely different view of the events and thats ok too. Snug, it sounds to me like you H is suffering from the loss of his relationship. Now he is holding you responsible for that pain. You told OW he was married and she cut the A off. I’m sure he also has fear that you will have a retaliation A, which may explain him not wanting you to wear make up, do hair etc. Your responses were great, keep it up explain your position with out anger. I know it doesn’t seem like it but THIS IS PROGRESS. He has to go through a mourning period and you have to let him with out Lbing. The time for him to feel your pain will come but he has to deal with his pain right now. I know that this really stinks and it is in no way fair but this is what happens. I don’t know if going to church is a LB but don’t give that up. I know your reading a book now but you really need to read Torn Asunder – It explains what is going on in your life right now, and what will come. Yes you can save this marriage, and you’re on the way.<P><p>[This message has been edited by oswald (edited November 10, 2000).]

Thank you all for your support. I am reading the book, and I will read your suggested book. I did not yell, scream, or blame him. I simply stood in the rain, and told him I thought our M. was worth saving. If he felt that way, great. I was not going to ask him to give up anything except the OW. I will continue to be there for him, but I also will not be here for him to poke blame at, and not be his excuse for his actions. He is a good man, he chose not to show me his good qualities, but If I am patience enough, then I will see them directed towards me. I want my M. to work. I want my H. to love and respect me. I will not have an A. because I love him to deeply. I will be there but I refuse to allow him to make me feel guilty about his actions. I will look at myself and only change the areas I feel that are wrong with me that create a negative reaction in my marriage. I need to do this, but I am weak, so I am going to chose to take on hour at a time, make a decision one hour not to feed into the negativity, and one hour not to obsess on His affair. IS this a smart thing, or am I grasping at straws? I am trying to hold myself together, and sometines it is hard-gn

i am there hust now whith the other person hanging about in the background, it is too raw for me to tell you what to do but I must agree with John, i know I am not to blame for his so called needs and finding a young woman to boost his ego, (Iam 43yrs he is 47yrs and she is 27yrs) how do I compete with that, she has had no children so the usual stretch marks and all the responsibility that it entails is not there, he says i am boring because i talk about the kids, our kids by the way!! well i cannot do what he wants to do and walk away, i have responsibilities and bills to pay, kids to put through college and university etc. He is an adult and must take responsibility for his won actions and not try to pass the blame to me. I sound very sure of myself but inside I am dying, my stomach feels like it has a brick inside it and i feel distracted and not interested in anything, but for my own preservation i must believe that his actions belong to him and are not a reflection on me.<P>I am not a saint I dont do every thing right but I have to be the grown up in this mad situation.<P>Mid life crisis and trying to be the oldest swinger in town is not on my agenda nor can I let it be.<P>sorry to sound bitter but I am and thats my coping mechanisim just now.<P>with much thoughts and love<P>------------------<BR>karen

Karen--I just read and posted to you. I understand bitterness. I understand the pain of feeling rejected and unloved. I lost my leg in 1985 from a motorcycle accident, so I have more than just stretch marks. I have scars that cover my entire body. But I never felt those scars were an issue, I have recently found out that it has been his needs of boosting a failing ego that I did not see and meet. My husband does not work, and I do. OUr roles have been reversed for seven years now. I do not begrudge my husband a cent he spends, what I do begrudge him is the fact he expects me to leave my church, work 54 hours a week, do PTA and teachers meetings (our children are still quite young, boy is 12 in 6th grade, daugther is 10 in fourth grade, and daugther is 7 in the first grade), and still wants me to come home, cook and clean, and do laundry, give attention to everyone, including him and return phone calls, etc. I work from 8 am to 6:30 p.m monday-Sunday, and when I get home, h. wants dinner before 7:00, I have to clean up after dinner last night, cook, then start regular household duties. I feel I am carrying the entire emotionaly and physical needs of a family of five. That is not fair, and that is what made him reach out to OW, he said I was not building his ego enough, and not meeting his emotional needs. So I have stopped cleaning house, and bring home take out almost every night. Now Hubby complains I am not teaching our children good eating habits? I can't win! hubby is out of the house, living with sister. I seen him daily because he still provides child care. But just last night, he accussed me of messing with his email. I told him the truth, that I had not, he did not believe me, I simply said fine. He was upset because he had set up this new email for his OW using his intials like you would carve on a tree. I asked him why he was desperate to get into it if the ea was over, he didn't answer me, and left. So I am still struggling with the next step---gn

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by snugglermi:<BR>[so I am going to chose to take on hour at a time, make a decision one hour not to feed into the negativity, and one hour not to obsess on His affair. IS this a smart thing, or am I grasping at straws?] [/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No this is not grasping at straws, this is recovering. Who does negativity and obsessing hurt? I think us, the FS. Anger, depression and the full range of feelings we run through are natural. I believe sooner or later we have to release all those feelings for our own sanity, to get back to being ourselves. If today you can do it for an hour then tomorrow, the next day, even next week you can go for Two hours. Eventually the tide will turn and the “good hours” will be more than the bad. There will be set backs along the way but keep telling yourself they can’t take over if you don’t allow them to. Snug, I’m proud of you, you’re getting it. Hang in there.

Oswald, thank you for the encouragement. Did you know this week is random acts of kindness week? And this forum has been my life line. I am chosing one hour, and I have found that during that hour, I am having a good positive hour. I will chose to continue to work one hour at a time. H. came over this morning, and asked me why he couldn't call me this morning. I told him I was checking my email, and that I was posting on MB forum. He began the name calling, (in front of our kids) and telling me I was on line chatting to my !@##%$#^%&^*&((*&boyfrined and that he doesn't know why he wastes his time with me. That his reaching out to the OW was my fault. I quietly said, here is my email address and password, my log on name for MB is snugglermi, check it out. I do not have a block on my computer. He just snarled at me, and told me to get the f@#^ out and go to work, and to stop lying. I did, and left him the van because he wanted to go to see his dad, and because our children do not have school today, he could use my van. He didn't care, and on the way to work I ran out of gas (the guage is broken on the old car), so I had to call AAA to get me some gas and get to work. I think from day to day, I hope that H. will understand that I am not lying to him. BUt it is hard to take the name calling, and abusive language. Why do I have to take his abuse when I haven't done anything wrong? Maybe I have failed him in the ego building department, maybe I have failed him in the spending time together department, but I have to ask him for a hug or a kiss. When I get the kiss, it is a peck on the check. It has been that way for seven years, and so I guess after a while of not getting affection from him, I began to withdraw. Am I losing my sanity? Am I doing every thing I can be to save my marriage, I don't know right now, I just know that I have deep devotion and love for this man who daily hurts me. I just don't know what to do except take one moment one hour and chose to be positive--gn

Snug, As for the verbal abuse no you should not have to take it. Re-emphisize you want to work this out but NOT while he choses to verbally abuse you.<P>When he gets past that - Again I know this stinks and it isn't fair, but the WS has to heal first. From what I've learned/read a WS needs to feel validated, some acknowledgement that the FS accepts some of what drove him to this.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by snugglermi:<BR><B>Maybe I have failed him in the ego building department, maybe I have failed him in the spending time together department</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <BR>Have you said this to him ? You'll need to at some point. <BR>Remember what you think was wrong may be way off track, it will come out when he decides to talk and not rage. When it does don't ignore it, acknowlege it.<BR>No your not loosing your sanity if you were all this wouldn't matter. I think your doing as much as you can at this point. Rome was not built in a day and this rebuilding will take some time, so relax and know you are headed in the right direction. Your acting calm and speaking with out anger is new to him and may not have sunk in yet.<P>I did't know there was any such thing as random acts of kindness week. We should get a day off for that. <P>Kaydee, keep chiming in here, it helps believe me.<P>

Well, I know what you are saying, and I have told him that I feel I have failed him in the ego building and spending time together. I admitted that there were times when he needed me, that I was not there, and I told him I would change that. After I bared my soul, H. told me that is not what he was looking for. He told me he wanted me to admitt to my mutliple affairs and that I have always been unfaithful to him. That he needed me to tell him I was wrong in my unfaithfulness to him. I wont admit to something I have not done. I love him so deeply and am devoted to him and my children, yet all he wants me to do is lie to affairs and take the blame. I refuse to do this to make him feel better. Why is he so insistant that I have had affairs? Why is he so sure that I have started this and that I am lying? I don't understand this piece, I don't understand his need to attack me so often on some thing I did not do. I have had these other men confront him and told him there has been nothing between us, but he says they are lying for me. I am not going to ram this truth down his throat, but he said that until I admit this, then there is no hope of our reconciliation. NOw what, now what do I do? I Admit to something I didn't do? I try to stay calm while he is yelling at me? What now? gn

I honestly have to say I'm puzzled over this one. I don't know why he is falsely accusing you. Maybe an attempt to justify his actions? Even my W questioned if I had ever had an A, a yes answer would certainly lift a bit of guilt. I think it’s a natural question but your case seems a bit extreme. Have you consulted a counselor? I think Hurley will return e-mail questions. <P>It would be ill advised to admit to something you did not do. <P>What now ? Stick with Plan A. Sooner or later he will come out of the fog. If not there is plan B. But don’t give up yet, your setting a good example for your kids and you’re healing yourself that’s evident. <BR>

Love can be so painful. Hubby followed me to work this morning, accusing me of having a boyfriend. I just think there are times when he showers me with love and affection. ANd other times he tears me down to where I feel like a part of me has died. I love him, and have shown him how much I love him. I don't have much more to offer, I have given body and soul to this man. And I will continue in plan A as best as I can. emailing Hurley is not an option, because of finances begining to tighten down with my work. I have missed to many days and need to regroup. I want nothing more than to have this resolved and life go on. But I do refuse to admit to something I have never done, but I am not going to repeat it over and over. I have been repeating it daily for months now. He seems to feel the need to blame me. What now? I chose not to lash out, but how do I know he isn't trying to redirect attention from him still emailing his OW so I won't get suspicious or what? I am not sure what to do now. --gn