Hi, I'm new to this board. Actually I've never posted on the net so I guess I'm turning to you good people for some advice. I've read some of the posts and it scares me how much they remind me of what I'm feeling right now.<BR> A few months ago my wife told me that she didn't love me anymore "actually never did love me". Then a few days later she said she did "love me"..said she was just confused.<BR>I asked her if there was some-one else, she said no. This went on for about a month, every few days she'd say she didn't love me.<BR> I've been married to her for over 16 yrs and we have three wonderful children. finally she said she wanted out of the marriage but she could live with us. She also told the kids she didn't love their Dad anymore and that she needed to go away and think. <BR>After she left I did some digging and found out she was seeing a co-worker..on lunch breaks and before and after work. (She'd say to me that she'd start at a certain time but not really start then). She was gone about a wk and I couldn't stand not saying anything any longer. I confronted her and she denied it "again". It wasn't until I told her I knew his name and that he was married with children that she finally caved. I threatened to tell his wife..that's when she said she wanted to come back. That lasted about a wk and then she started crying "like she was missing him" so I gave her the choice to leave if she really wasn't happy with me...she took it. We sat down again with the kids and she again said the same thing to them and that she had fallen for some-one else. <BR>I told her that I found out he was seeing three other women at the same time but she said she couldn't accept that. Which by the way is true. I feel sorry for his wife. She then left again and took her rings off this time. My kids told me that, they noticed when she picked them up for a visit. She supposedly met him for coffee and decided she didn't want that and that he was a "dog".."found out about the other women".<BR>Anyway she's back now and swears she loves me and that she was "retarded" for doing what she did. My question is...<BR>How do I know she's telling me the truth? I thinks it's terrible how they have to make thier spouse feel in order to justify their actions. She literaly dragged me through the mud to make herself feel better...I think anyway. Now she says she didn't mean any of it and she still works at the same job. How do I know anything at this point?. She never told me anything...I found everything out on my own and she'd deny it until I proved it tho her.<BR>Please help me to trust again..I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way. She's been back for a month and it still hurts real bad.<BR>Please advise..thx<BR>Tinman

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Tinman40:<BR><B> My question is...<BR>How do I know she's telling me the truth? <BR>Please help me to trust again..I don't think I'm the only one who feels this way. She's been back for a month and it still hurts real bad.<BR>Tinman</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Tinman-<P>Your pain is apparent. I am sorry this has happened to you. It is very tough when you discover infidelity with your spouse. <P>I am not too sure how you gain trust back. I know that it does take a while for the healing process to take effect. Just remember that the pain we feel is due to the love that we feel for our spouses. <P>Try to do things for yourself, such as going to counceling or talking to a friend to release some of the frustration, anger and pain. Try voicing your feelings to your wife and let her know that her actions has caused you pain. I'm sure she's not reluctant to see that. Let her know what you need from her (love, affection, reasurance) so that it might be a little easier to get through the days. <P>I should be the last person to give advice for I have not found trust for my H as of yet, but because I Love him so much, I think I'm willing to try anything to get through the tougher times. I've thought about separation in hopes to clear my mind and to reestablish a more secure base for our M. So far, I've found that communicating my feelings might be less destructive than a separation, especially with kids involoved.<P>There was one thing you said on your post about your W telling your kids that she did not love you. Sorry to say this, but I don't believe that your kids needed to hear that. Kids already have enough stress in their lives to have to think about their parents problems. They don't need to know or hear that one parent doesn't love the other. You may want to mention that to her and make sure it she doesn't put the kids through that unless she's absolutely sure she wants a D.<P>I hope you find peace in your heart, for the most important thing of all is LOVE for yourself...<P>BJ<P>

Tinman 40 ( find your heart yet?)<P>I wouldn't trust her... yet. She has to earn your trust...... but, meanwhile, you can still love her.<P>Tell her that you love her. Tell her that she has to earn your trust. Have her get checked for STD's for a starter.... tell her this will be a step toward earning your trust.<P>Ask her what she's willing to do together to work on the marriage....for instance:<BR>>> see a minister / priest<BR>>> see a marriage counselor<BR>>> change her job to avoid all contact<BR>>> write to you in a daily journal... and you to her<BR>>> tell her you need a weekly love letter from her to you.. and visa versa<BR>>> a list of "blessings" everyday... 3 things she's thankful for... and you do this too... every day 3 new blessings<P>I just am brainstorming here..... feel free to jump in with your own ideas. The point is.. your wife is still mourning the loss of "the dog"..... she needs to concentrate on you and the kids. Keep her busy. She needs to begin to feel worthy of you and the kids... nudge her along. Otherwise, she'll obsess about "him". (ugh)<P>Watch what she DOES more than what she SAYS. <P>Good luck Kiddo.... it can be done. It takes YEARS to fully recover.<P><P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*

Thank-you very much for your responses..I think that telling the kids was a bad idea as well but I didn't have any choice..I could either go along with it or make it worse "so I thought"..she told them either way..I tried to explain to them that she "W" was just confused. My children are 18,15 and 12 so they had a good idea of what was going on. I wish my wife would have been a little more calm but for a while she was really unreasonable.<BR>As for discussing what happened she just get very upset and doesn't want to talk about it. She says it happened and now she wants to bury it. That's where I have a problem with it. At first she said she would never quit her job.."she would leave before that happened" she said.."deal with it". Now it's been a month and she says she's tired of dealing with it everyday..but she would leave her job if another opportunity came up...it's a start. A month ago that was out of the question. I get on her nerves when I can't always be "happy golucky" anymore...it eats at me constantly. I'm trying to correct this though..Hard as H++k!!. <BR>I think we may be making some headway, she comes home for lunch now. I like your ideas about doing little things like writing love letters to each other yesterday,,thx.<BR>I still feel very alone but I know I love this girl more than life itself...might be a mistake because she knows it too..but I can't help it. I just wish I knew she felt that way about me,,,I have to go to work now...I'll check back later.<BR>It's just nice to vent...thx for listening.<BR>Tinman

Tinman....<P>Does your wife know you need her? Ask, then share.<P>Does she know you are trying to heal? Tell her that to "bury" the issue will not allow healing. Ask for her help to heal. Ask her to trust you with the truth.<P>Does your wife realize you're willing to forgive her? Express this.<P>Go to the store and buy several cards with loving messages. About once or twice a week, hide one where you know she'll find it.<P>Offer to give her a (non-sexual) massage... like a footrub.<P>Make a reservation in a hotel to spend the weekend together (obviously... no kids)<P>Go to church together.<P>Ask her to hold your hand once a day while you pray.... then sincerely pray for your marriage.... aloud.<P>Good luck Tinman.... hope you find that heart of yours. <P>------------------<BR>~*~*Yesterday~*~*<BR>all my problems seemed so far away~*

I think it's getting harder, I don't know but I thought it would get easier.She still says it's over between them. He's still with his wife, my W tells me he avoids her totally at work. She says he got too close to getting caught "his poor wife has no idea". My W phones me quite often from work to say she loves me but I'm wondering if they just got better at hiding it. She now has told me that she'll try to change jobs after Christmas.,,that has me curious as well. At first when I let her come back "the second time" she said she'd leave us before her job. It makes me wonder how a compliment from some=else can mean so much when I did it all the time. I'd buy her a dozen roses and she'd say I shouldn't have wasted my money. I'd spend alot of time on the computer making little certificates like "This is your day off"..where I would give her breakfast in bed and not let her do anything all day..I'd do all the housework and so=on. Butyet she said it was his flattering that caught her, but I heard she had the hots for him since he started there. I don't know what to believe anymore and I'm really tired of feeling like this. She says she's honestly trying now..but I heard that before too.<BR>Growing wiery<BR>Tinman

Tinman40:<P>"I think it's getting harder, I don't know but I thought it would get easier." <P>It's going to get harder still. My prediction (yeah, I'm psychic) is that she will waver. He will put out feelers to see whether she is still under his spell. She will be tempted, she's still in the Betrayer's Fog. He will look so good to her. Her fantasy will take over again. It's not going to be clear cut. Your job is to remain steadfast, to Plan A. <P>Rotten that she dragged the kids into this. I'd like to dump a bucket of cold water over her head for that. How could she look into their faces, see the hurt in their eyes, and then walk out of their lives for a crumb who was willing to betray his wife? Those precious faces, the babies she carried and bore. She's temporarily insane.<P>"My W phones me quite often from work to say she loves me but I'm wondering if they just got better at hiding it." <P>Tinman, that phoning sounds good. Her heart is softening up toward you, sounds like. Could they be better at hiding? Maybe.. but open up to her too, she's trying. <P>It may go back and forth, from "she loves you again" to "the OM is her true love." But you have a secret weapon. This site, the people who come here will support you, and Plan A.<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Going against the grain... While most of the folks here will tell you what "you" must do to win the W back I tend to take a very different view. I guess I still don't believe in the "be a wonderful person while the spouse is out boinking someone else."<P>Were it me I would want to see certain things happen;<P>1. A FULL discloser about the affair including.<P>When it started.<BR>How it started.<BR>How much "family" money was spent on it.<BR>If any common friends knew about it and kept it from me.<BR>What lies did she tell to cover it up.<BR>Answers to ANY and ALL questions you have.<P>In other words, you have a right to know EVERYTHING regardless of how guilty she feels.<P>2. All contact with the OM ends NOW!<P>If that means someone has to quit their job, to bad. What job is worth what it's done to you and your kids?<P>Your W lied to you about it "just being work" and there is no reason at all to believe her promice about endding it when he is around her everyday.<P>3. Full discloser to the OMs wife.<P>Many will argue the point about "hurting" an innocent person but I strongly disagree. The OMs W is a human being and deserves to know the truth. If you decide to "protect" her all you are doing is helping him in his lies and paving the way for him to get back with your W or another man's W. Is that really what you want?<P>4. Seeking professional help.<P>I feel that the emotions of something like this are way to strong to "handle" alone. There are going to be a lot of issues that MUST be worked through, find someone that can help you do it.<P>5. Professional help for the kids.<P>As your W made a huge issue of laying all this on the kids, she must realise she has done a lot of damage and must do everything possible to correct it.<P>Ask yourself what the kids have learned from all of this and is that what you want them to use as a basis for their own marriage later in life.<P><BR>5. Accountability is required.<P>As your W has obviously lied about things, both large and small, she must accept that you no longer trust her, and that if she wants to regain your trust she must earn it.<P>This means that she should be able to account for her time and actions. Where she goes, how many hours she works, who she sees, etc.<P>Don't make the mistake of trying to pretend you trust her because deep down you don't and denying it will only create more problems. You had to play "investigator" to find the truth and you hated doing it. Do you really want to spend anymore time doing this? I wouldn't.<P>6. Set your own limits.<P>Look deep into yourself and ask the tough questions. Can you really ever trust her again, or do you even want to?<P>What will you do if she decides she isn't willing to deal with her behavior and the resulting guilt?<P>Are you willing to allow this to continue in the name of "saving the marriage?"<P>Can you truely forgive her? (You will never forget it.)<P>Do you want to strike back by having a fling yourself? This seems to be a very dangerous and common thought of the betrayed spouse.<P>In general I believe that once something like this has happened it requires complete and full honesty from both of you. It requires a real commitment to work through it. And without any doubt, it will be you that must "give" in order to resolve it. Are you prepared for that?