How do I cope with this 47yrs old man who wants to be doing his own thing?? we have two children (not forgetting two cats) a home and responsibilities. He is having an affair and denying it all the time, says he has not spoken to her yet her number shows up on his mobile as been rung that day. An envelope with her writing on it in his drawer with a leaflet for a trip to Paris for dinner (we live in London, this is easy to do with the Euro Tunnel) he says I am boring, i am fatter than I was, Well he is not the young man I married either but when the OW is 27 how can i match that. Not even any point in trying. Its the lies I find hard to live with and the denial to me when asked straight what is going on. I feel like I am going mad, the dread in my stomache is all encompassing. What do I say to the kids, I will tell them the truth, they are 20 and 17yrs so they deserve to be treated as adults which is more than he is.<P><P>------------------<BR>karen

KayDee- we all here feel your pain and your confusion. Your H. is in the period of time we call a "FOG" where he is only reacting to survive, to protect what he feels is the most important thing, himself. Every one deals with the guilt differently. My H. had/is having an EA (emotional affair) only, but it still hurts. Your physical appearance is not the problem, you did not force him to reach out to another person. I am sure you have made mistakes in your marriage only because you are human. But you need to focus on you and your children. Telling your children may damage their relationship with their father, and that may trickle down to them not wanting to know. IF you need their support, then you need to look at your children as young adults, and reassure them that you are not thinking divorce, just time to heal and work on you so that you can be a better mother, and improve on how you react to him in the marriage. This will take time, and I know from experience, that there will be moments when you want to scream, rant, rave, throw things, and you hate him and her with all your soul. Then there will be those moments when all you think about is him holding you close, loving you, and meeting your emotional need for his attention and love. I don't know if you even want to consider reconcilliation. But your Husband now knows that there is no way he can conceal his affair any longer, now he has to deal with the fact his secret is out, it has jeapordized his marriage, and the affair, and his relationship with his children. That is alot of guilt for him to deal with right now. The hardest thing I have had to do was sit still in the moment. Chose that for this hour I chose to be good, calm, strong, and not accept his behavior. I did not chose to scream, blame, and lash out. And because of those choices, my husband has begun to come out of the fog and realize what he has to lose in his family for a woman he met on the internet, and has never met in his life. It will take time, but use this forum, build a support system here, and you will find peace of mind, heart, and soul. I will pray for you, and I will check in a few more times today--Good luck, and God Bless-gn

kaydee: I am a relative newcomer here, but I have already found a lot of support and understanding. I am only 5 days out from d-day and still sufering a lot of sleeplessness, heartache, and stomach churning. My W won't even admit yet that she's done anything wrong, and is still in her fog. I'm just trying hard to be there for her and ready, when she does emerge. I know it doesn't seem fair that we, the wronged parties, have to bear the initial burden of trying to put our marriages back together - but I've come to realize that this is a true test of my love for my W - the hardest test I've ever had to face.<P>On another note, just to let you know my W and I are originally from the UK, and it was on a solo trip back there that her EA began. (God was that only 3.5 weeks ago - it seems like forever!)<P>Thinking of you.

Kaydee, NSR will be offering a post of welcome with selected topics for you to read. Read them ASAP. I wish you were not here for your sake, but sinceyou are welcome. We all know your feelings of anguish right now. It may not help at this moment but possibly you can find comfort knowing that 4 weeks ago I was exactly where you are, angry as H%ll. Today, I am smiling more and truly believe my M will come out of this so much better then it has been for years. Within these posts, both new and old, I have witnessed some of the greatest examples of human triumph available and found strength I did not know I had. I have no immediate advice for you, other than you can make it and we are here to help.

Kaydee- trust in yourself, and listen with your heart and mind. You will find strength and wisdom from others who have expereince some of your pain that you are experiencing now, and how your emotions will be a rollercoaster ride for what is to come in the next few months. always vent, read, and practice what you learn here. I hope that you will take time to read other posts as well, you will understand how many people have been able to get through this fog and this time of feeling alone, rejected, and unloved. Kaydee, you are important to us, or we would not have answered your call for help. I hope that you will continue post here, people want to support you and keep up to date on your life, God bless gn

sorry it has taken so long to post a reply, no excuses from me. Thanks for all the support it is needed by me at the moment. i have decided I am not mad, neurotic or whatever else his concience throws at me and that I have to self preserve at all costs and if that means he leaves then I have to accept that. This sounds all so logical and inside I am shouting, screaming and all those harsh words he shouts at me, but pride and all that will not allow me to let him see what I am felling. That does not mean I have not and am still not telling him how I feel towards him, I am angry but I still want to sort this, he I don't think has any intentions of sorting anything except his own needs. I never noticed before just how selfish he could be but you live and learn. <P>Anyway, thanks for all the support and I will keep writing and you all do to.<P>love and hugs to all my new support team<P>karen<P>------------------<BR>karen