Hi I am 38 years old have two kids from a previous marriage. I have been dating and living together with my fiancee of 4 years. We lived together on an off and hve broke up twice for short periods a couple of weeks. The last time was about 2 1/2 year ago. For the past two years hve been living together, very happy, making wedding plans, looking to buy a house. In October of 2000 we were hving our carpets changed and ws talking about being completely honest with each other, no secrets. He asked me are you sure, I said yes. I have nothing to hide. He then told me that two years ago, when we were not living together and had kinda had broke off he had an affair. He felt he was not getting the attention he needed from me and was being taken for granted. So he met this person to get that attention and to rub his ego. Well after about a week that we were angry with each other and he moved out this is when this happened. He said when we began to talk and to try to make amends, he informed this person of me. At this point she knew there was not going to be a relationship blossming from this. Well unfortunately he did admit even though he was talking with me he continued to see her occasionally. In August 1998 this person informed him she was pregnant, he said he was mad cursed her out, informed her that he did not want any baby and there was not real relationship, did not want anything to do with her either, they argued or whatever and did not speak for months. I not sure how much after that they spoke, but I do know that what ever happened she finally scared him to questioning himself whether it was his or not. He did let me know that he did have unprotected sex, so he was concerned. Well he said he never saw this person or the baby until it was one years old, which was this May 2000. He said he was scared because one of his friends were in this same situation 15 years ago and just let it go and now the state is sueing him for back child support because the child and he knew it was his child. So he did not want any problem and since May until October of 2000 he went and gave this person support. He even told me because of unprotected sex he was courious to see if it looked like him. He is black the other person it white. He said the baby just looked white, it did not look like him but he could not be sure because of the unprotected sex. well I asked were you seeing each other exclusively, he said no , he knew of at least one other guy and there was probably others. But he was afraid. Well when he told me this I was mad, I told him how stupid could he be, just taking her word for it why not a paternity test. yes you had unprotected sex but she had sex with other people. How stupid. Well of course I demanded he informed her that I knew everything, there will be no more contact no more support until a paternity test is done. He said she was mad that he told me, and why should she get a paternity test now after all this time, hung up. He said he was fine with that, did not call her again. If she wants him to support the baby they will have to do a paternity test and at that point if he is there father he will forefill his fianacial obligation but still did not want to be part of their lives, the baby was a trap. Well the next day she called him really earlier at work when she knew he would not be there and left a message that she knew where we live our phone number etc..that he will miss out on the child life and she did not want to have nothing to do with him or his money to never call her again and she will never call him again. He called me from work immediately to let me know that she called, he said he did not care, it's over anything else would be done in court, it's over. Now we can start to work on our relationship. That night was hard alot of questions I wanted answered and alot he thought was not important. I wanted to know if sex was specail, was she better than me. He just said there was no feeling it was just sex. Just having sex with a person with no intimacy. There was not comparing our love making because he was in love with me a big difference. Well again the next day she tried to call him on his cell phone because she left another message on his work phone early that his phone was disconnect, was he trying to run away, she had the nerve to be angry. She left the message that she wanted him to sign papers to giving up his parental rights to the child and left her cell phone number, another trap I said. He called her and of course got her voice mail and told her he was not going to sign anything especially since that right has not been even established with a paternity test. He even told her he had problems with his cell phone but it works now and I am not running away, lets do the paternity test. So why doesn't she keep her word of no more contact period. Well once again the next day she left another message on his phone apologizing for her actions as far as the phone number and address, that was wrong she will not ever call again and to bad he was going to miss out on the child's life. He called me immediately because it was about 20 mins after he got to work. He informed me that it,it's over not paternity test no nothing. He was not going over there anymore not speaking to her and assured me if she did call he would not answer, because he has caller Id. As far as any more contacting is would be through the court system, he was sorry for the pain he caused me but assured me its over. I guess it was nice to hear that but I am stil in enourmous pain. I am losing my mind. The thought of the affair and the possiblity of the child WOW. The child really hurts because that was something special we discussed together even though we decided not to have a child. He still says I tried telling her I did not want a child this was not any type of relationship to have a child and I did not want her in my life, but I can't control what people do, I couldn't make he have an abortion and much as I wanted her to have an abortion. This was somewhat nice to hear, but ther pain overwelmed everything. All this telling me and talking to her was two weeks ago and he promises me that is the last contact, anything else would be the District Attorney calling me for paternity test and even then if it mine I will send the check to the court, because there will be not relationship, contact, seeing or daddy, I don't want anything to do with her or the child. What I did do was out of fear, protecting myself and being a coward, but telling you gave me the avenue, your strength gave me the strength to stand up. We have since been trying to recooperate, he has been very reasurring. I still want to know was she prettier than me, did they share special moments, did she do anything sexually more pleasing to him, did they share anything special? He assures me it was simple just sex, men can distance themselves like that there was no intimacy. IT'S OVER,he says. I don't know if I can ever trust him, believe him? There are times I feel like searching for this person, I dont know her name but he did give me the childs name and month and year of birth and I know the city they live in, I am really considering doing a search. I do have some good days and try to concentrate on our relationship. WE have been spending much more quality and quanity time with each other, which is good. But we both do not want it to be to much where its not normal. We did talk about normalizing our lives back again, but I told him that fine but with some changes because I cant trust him yet. We need to keep in communciation, let me know where he is assure me, because I have faith in him working on our relationship but the trust need time and work. I am at time consumed with the thought of them being together in bed, chatting, laughing spending whatever time they did together it eats me up. He continues to assure what ever little time he did spend it not like us, it was a detached selfish, self forefilling thing not attachment with this person, just self gratifying it ment nothing longing to be thought of or dream of. He said as far as sex, there no intimacy, no kissing, no spending the night. The longest he ever stay if that long was about 2 hours, there was no emotional attachment, like he says just wham bam, he just got the attention that having sex with him wasn't a chore. He felt that it was a chore with me he just wanted to have sex with someone who wanted his sex, he had it thats it no love, no feeling just doing it. But he promised that since he moved in back with me and since she told him in August of 1998 that she was pregnant he did not touch her at all there was not any communication for a long while. As far as sex comparising there is not comparing he not in love with her, he has no feeling at all it was just sex. He tells me when you have intimacy with someone you love it is completely different then just doing the act of sex especially with no carressing, kissing there nothing just wham bam. He assures me of his feelings for me all the time he makes sure to tell me he loves when we lay down together, he holds me alot, he tells me he loves me when we wake and during the day, I know he is remorsfull, but I am consumed with pain. I don't know how to trust if I should ever trust again. I am in some much pain I feel like I am going to explode. Help...<P>Help<BR>Puzzled in Ontario

WOW nos was that a mouthful, girl you certainly have no problem expressing you toughts, thats a good thing. It sounds like you you may be in a better possition than you feel you are right now. I would recommend getting two books, surviving the affair, and his needs / her needs. Work through those books and you may be supprised that your relationship can be better than it ever was. You H "to be" seems to be understanding and is willing to work with you on this. That's half the battle. Both of you need to realize the neccesity for complete honesty even when it hurts. If you have this anything is possible. I'm hoping someone else will add to my thoughts, know we are here to support you, spend some time looking throught the site and understanding the concepts, they will help relieve some of your pain.

Vazquezek, believe it or not, there are a lot of us out here who are living this nightmare. Some of us have more than one OC (other child) with OW (other women). That is really hard to believe I know. But it can be done. The power to heal & move one lies in just a few key areas.<P>First, your fiancee must cut contact & be out of the affair. Sounds like he is. That is a really good thing.<P>Second, you must be willing to accept what "complete honesty" means. In this case it was something terrible. Please don't punish your fiancee for telling the truth by going over all this stuff in your head. It doesn't matter what he did 2 years ago! What matters is today & what is happening now. He isn't seeing her, so who cares about what she looked like, etc. Do you go over every detail of every lover he has ever had? I know you feel that this is important, but it isn't. Please do not give this woman control over your mind & your relationship. She doesn't need to be in the middle of you & him. And at this point, you are the one puting her there.<P>Have you read Surviving and Affair? Please do. It was what gave me hope and tools to get back on track. There are good things there on how to work through this & regain trust. You need to do this for yourself & your children. I am sure they love your fiancee & you all want to have a family together. <P>My husband of 9 years (12 together) had an affair last year. We have two sons, and now he has a 3 mth old daughter. Yes, this is not what I planned. But you have to move on & do what is right. Is it right to punish my sons for what the two of them did? This woman knew he was married & pursued him anyway. Why didn't he protect us from all this? Same reason as your fiancee.. sex & ego. Someone thought he was Mr. Everything and he bought it. Why didn't he use protection? God only knows. Why is a 33 yr old woman not using protection? I guess she wanted a child. Well, she got one.<P>Sounds like your fiancee is doing the right thing (breaking contact, making all contact via legal system, etc.). If she pursues this, then get paternity tests done & follow through with what legal steps you must take.<P>You may also want to post in the "Pregnancy/Child" forum. Everyone there is dealing with this same issue. Read our posts. I am sorry for your situation.<P>Carolyn

I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR YOU REPLY. I KNOW THIS MAY NOT SOUND GOOD, BUT I WAS FEELING ALONE IN THIS SITUATION AND I AM HAPPY FOR THE SUPPORT. THIS MORNING WHEN WE WOKE UP AT 430AM,(I WORK EARLY) HE CALLED ME TO HIS SIDE AND SAID HE REALLY WANTED ME TO KNOW HE WAS SORRY FOR WHAT HE DID AND THE PAIN I WAS IN, BUT WANTED TO ASSURE ME THE OW MENT NOTHING, AND UNTIL PREASURE FROM THE OW FOR CHILD SUPPORT THE OC WAS NOTHING. HE WANTED TO LET ME KNOW EVEN THOUGH HE WENT OVER THERE FOR THE PAST 5 MONTHS, THERE WAS NOT ATTACHMENT BETWEEN HIM AND THE OC. NO HUGGING, NO PLAYING. HE WAS SCARED OF PATERNITY SUIT AND WAS TRYING TO KEEP PEACE. AND IN THE BACK OF HIS MIND HE HONESTLY COULD NOT WIPE OUT THAT HE MAY BE THE FATHER, EVEN THOUGH HE WAS HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX WITH OTHER SO WAS HE. HE DID TELL ME THAT LETTING HER KNOW THAT I KNEW WAS SOMETHING THE OW COULDN'T HOLD OVER HIS HEAD. MAKE HIM FEEL GUILTY, HE IS SO GLAD HE TOLD ME. THE OW WAS MAD I FOUND OUT BECAUSE NOW SHE HAD NO LEVERAGE TO HOLD OVER MY HEAD, AND NOW HE REALLY QUESTIONS IF SHE JUST PICK HIM BECAUSE SHE KNEW HE HAD A GOOD WOMAN ON HIS SIDE HE WANTED TO PROTECT AND SHE COULD GET TO HIM WITH GUILT. TOO BAD, SHE DID KNOW I WAS A STRONG WOMAN AND WAS NOT GOING FOR THE BS, OKYDOK AND WOULD STOP ALL THE BS. SO FAR SHE HAS BEEN QUIET NO CONTACT AND LIKE HE TOLD ME THIS MORNING IF ANYTHING WOULD HAPPEN AS FAR AS BEING HIS CHILD THERE STILL WOULD BE NOT CONTACT, NO FAMILY RELATIONSHIP WITH THE OW AND OC, HE WOULD JUST PAY WHAT IS DETERMINE BY COURT. HE LET ME KNOW SHE WAS JUST SOMEBODY TO RUB HIS EGO, JUST SEX. HE SAID GO IN HAVE SEX, WIPE OFF AND SEE YA..EVEN THOUGH WHERE SHE LIVES IS CLOSE TO HIS PARENTS (HE IS VERY CLOSE TO HIS FAMILY) HE WILL NEVER HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH HER, NEVER GO BY THERE OR OVER THERE. THERE WAS NEVER A FEELING OR THOUGHTS OF WOW I NEED TO SEE HER, IT ONLY HAPPENED WHEN HE FELT NEGLECTED FROM ME AND THE OW KNEW THIS AND WAS TRY TO TRAP HIM WITH OC (IF IT IS HIS). HE SAID HE WANTED ME TO START TO TRY TO FEEL COMFORTABLE AND NOT CONSUMED,TO CONCENTRATE ON US ONLY, HE IS WORRIED ABOUT ME, I AM NOT EATING RIGHT OR SLEEPING RIGHT, HE DID NOT WANT THIS OW TO WIN TEARING US APART. WELL I AM GLAD AND SOMEWHAT RELEIVED HE CAME TO ME WITH THIS ( I WAS AN HOUR LATE TO WORK BUT WELL WORTH IT). I FEEL RELEIVED SOMEHOW AND REALLY BEGINNING TO BELIEVE IN HIM. HE STILL UNDERSTANDS THE TRUST ISSUES AND WILL DO WHAT IS NEEDED TO REGAIN MY TRUST. I REALLY LOVE HIM. I HOPE I WILL BE ABLE TO TRUST HIM SOON. I DID ORDER THE TWO BOOKS SURVIVING AND HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS AND EVEN THOUGH HIS KINDA OF A MACHO MAN HE AGREED TO READ AND EXCERCISE THEM TOGETHER. THANKS AGAIN AND I WILL KEEP YOU GUYS UPDATED. YOU GUYS HANG IN THERE TOO YOUR H DID MARRY YOU AND ARE STILL WITH YOU IT MUST MEAN SOMETHING.

vazquezek,<P>I am glad you are feeling better this morning. I would like to point something out to you. I know you feel as if you were betrayed. But please remember this.<P>You and BF are not married. Further, you two weren't together, you had broken up during the period that your BF had sex with OW. So you are in a interesting position. You see he has has not really cheated on you. He has not broken his vows to you.<P>Now before you get mad and say but "I love him and he knows it, he shouldn't have..." Let me point out at the time neither of you wanted to be together. You two changed your minds later.<P>Why am I bring this up? It seems to me that you can trust your BF. Yes, he did something that has hurt you. Yes, he may or maynot be the father of that baby (I am betting he is not.), but No he has not lied to you.<P>So if he says this woman doesn't mean anything to him and the sex was not all that great, believe him. If the sex had been great I doubt that you two would have gotten back together after the break up.<P>It seems to me has has and is being honest with you. <P>Hope this helps.<P>God Bless,<P>JL<P>

Well today is Monday the 13th, am I am hurting and wondering again. I need my book, but at least I have this media. We went to his parents house today and everything was fine. All of a sudden, I guess because the holidays were coming up, I was thinking of last year and I remember we went to his grandmothers house. Because we had small cars and 4 teenage kids, we went seperately. When I got to his grandmother house he was not there yet, but his kids were with his father. After awhile, about an hour pass and everybody was asking me where is he? Now I am assuming that he was over the OW house during the holidays. This hurts, I wanted to go there but I kept quiet and let it eat away at me. Today I feel like my sixth sense is telling me that something is going on, whether she is calling him or something. Or I'm I just tripping. Or is this just a bad day. Last night I got home before him, because he had to take his kids home and I look through his closet, clothes, just spying. This morining I look through the clothes he had on last night. I do not have any family close to me, so this is my outlet. Help me. Write to me. Help!!!