I am having a very bad day and need to express that somewhere, so here I am again. This is in fact, the only place I have spoken about the A, other than with the W. We have chosen not to make the A public at this point. Anyone who has read my posts/replies knows that of late, I try to be the eternal optimist. Do everything possible to stay positive and on plan A, but today the weight is getting heavy. <BR> <BR>My W, the WS, worked a night shift last night. I did not sleep much, a few things have plagued me, the worst are what I call my demons, I sometimes have terrible thoughts of the things that actually took place during her PA. Normally I can suppress these thoughts, telling myself they are of no benefit, but last night I could not shake them. Once they get to me, my mind goes crazy, and I look for things to feed them. We all know that with a mind set like this it is not hard to concoct something. Here is what I found “or” chose to highlight that is now eating at me.<P>I am getting the feeling that W wants to just forget the whole thing, (Not the M but the A and Recovery) I know it needs great work. I read, learn and put into practice what I know will help. Normally she is very supportive and agrees. However lately she hints with things like will this ever be over? or Oh No your reading again, or you ordered 2 more books (with that tone). This scares me I don’t want it like it was, the way it was let this thing happen.<P>In my quest to become a better H and plan A, I have admitted to my W and myself, that I am not perfect. One area is that we have identified is that I have not shown enough emotion/affection in the past. I have made genuine attempts to correct this and it is helping. I started to write her little notes, telling her what made her so special to me, what made me admire or adore her, three things a day is what my goal was. I would leave them on the counter so she started each day with a note. Well last night I did not write one for today. I found that she was reading them then throwing them away. I may be wrong, but that kinda hurt, I would have thought she would save these. <P>I try not to snoop, she confessed the A to me after it had been over for 6 months. She swears there has been no contact in that 6 months and there never will be again. Well in feeding my demons I checked her Cell phone and found an incoming Cell phone # I don’t recognize. This was their (W and OM)main source of contact, cell to cell. I call the # and get an out of the area message. I hate this, I’m certain it is nothing and hate to confront her over it only to look foolish. <P>I’m not giving up just in down mood and having a battle with my demons. <P>Thanks for listening it does help. <BR>

You're on the right path...<P>It's a narrow one... and you may trip or even fall...<P>...just get back on it... look for the light!<P>It is there!<P> <P>Jim

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by oswald:<BR><B> I sometimes have terrible thoughts of the things that actually took place during her PA. Normally I can suppress these thoughts, telling myself they are of no benefit, but last night I could not shake them. Once they get to me, my mind goes crazy, and I look for things to feed them. <P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>Oswald,<P>I often feel this way as well, I believe that without constant reassurance from our spouces it is difficult not to think this way, because we have no other thoughts to go by. The demons as you say will be there until the angels "trust" comes to help guide you...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by oswald:<BR><B><BR> I found that she was reading them then throwing them away. I may be wrong, but that kinda hurt, I would have thought she would save these. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>I'm very sorry to hear that. Your being hurt by this is certainly justifyable. I send my H emails of inspirational quotes almost everyday with little or no response from him. He has time to chat with OW but no time to respond to me. Yes, it does hurt. You are doing good for your wife by writing her these notes. I'm sure I would enjoy recieving such little reminders of love - and yes, I would definitely keep them!!!<P>-BJ

Oswald,<BR>Often times when I find myself fighting demons it sets my whole mindset back to if I even want to stay with a man who could hurt me so much without a second thought of how a PA would effect me. But the answer is always yes I do want my M to work. My point is when you continue to focus on past situations you can't work on the here and now. So when your mind starts racing begin praying for peace. I struggle with this too.

Oswald,<P>Hang in there! Those demons come and go. I know because they haunt me every day!! Just focus your mind on why you still LOVE your wife. The way she looks while she is sleeping, the smell of her perfume, the smile that she has, the way that she laughs,etc....<P>The demons come for me to, but you have to fight back and look for the good in everything that happens; as hard as this may be. My wife did not have a PA, so my demons are not the same guys as yours, but there still ugly little BAST%$DS!!<P>Keep a positive attitude and don't let things bring you down!!! It's worked for me for the past couple days.<P>Take care and God be with you!!

Oswald, my dear friend, this is one of the bad times, ((((((hug)))))))for you. i understand how you feel. A few weeks ago, I went and bought two inspirational books, "I Believe in you" and "Beautiful things of Love" These books have littel quotes and thoughts of love and encouragement, daily I email a quote to my husband, and I get a thank you, but no return affection, no return thoughts of support. I want him to reach out to me more, but he reaches out to her. My demons are no matter how hard I try, am I stilling going to fail in this marriage and lose him? I do not even know where my H. is staying. He refuses to tell me. Oswald, what a wonderful husband you are to reach out again and again to her. I know that the nite is the worst time to be alone, and the demons seem to be stronger, Oswald, you are doing the right things, you are sharing, and you will over come these demons, because you and your love and your faith is to strong- gn

I understand that it's quite common for the WS to want it to be "done with," "ok we've dealt with it, etc." while the BS hangs on or has flashbacks for quite a while. The WS needs to understand the trauma and fallout the A generates.<P>------------------<BR>*************************<BR>Thronx - one of the statistics....<BR>*************************