My husband works out of town Monday through Friday and wherever he is working his company sets him up in a residence while at that location. He had been acting weird. I went up to the Condo when he was not home and got a key from the office and got inside. To my surprise, he is living with another woman that he works with. I know who she is. I left signs so that they would both know I was there. My husband phones the next day and won't talk about anything concerning the "affair" just tells me that we need to separate. I told him we have been separated and that is what probably helped to cause this situation.<P>We talked once in person, but I feel that he avoids the truth. Tells me that he doesn't want a divorce, but needs time to figure out things. He informed me that the girl had moved out and that he was leaving for his next assignment in Michigan. Called the girl at work and she wouldn't answer any questions except that she was also going to Michigan.<P>Went to his next assignment in Michigan. He lead me to believe that they were living separately, but did some snooping and they are living together at the Hampton Inn. In the mean time he calls to ask for Banking info, etc. because I did it all and he doesn't have a clue and tells me if I get nasty he will stop the money (stay at home mom with a 3 year old). His brother called me last night to tell me that my H informed him that he and the girl were looking for a place to live together while they are out in Michigan. His brother asked if our marriage was over and he said No.<P>I need advice. What is going on. I am 33, H is 42 and OW is 27. Any comments advice would be appreciated.

Hello friend: I think you need to face the truth, your husband has already emotionaly and physically left you. If you can start making arrangements for you to get your three year old into day care, and try to become self supportive. You don't need a man who would rather disregard his own son for the needs of his girlfriend. My h. did not have an physical affair, but I still felt hurt and betrayed. Use this forum, use the wisdom that people will offer you here, but I think that due to the fact that your H. has already moved in with the OW, and has made it clear that he is going to stop all financial supprt, then you need to let go and move on. Read other posts, and read other people who are experiencing the same, you will be able to get through this, my Prayers are with you-gn

Easy Snug, I’m the one bummed out today and have not been up for posting any real replies, but you jarred me back to my optimism. Mische, don’t throw in the towel yet the experts say don’t give up for 2 yrs. You’re husband was just cold busted, he is no doubt flabber gassed. If you want this thing to work out it can. There will be plenty of good advice on how to do that offered in here. Read through the site and buy the books. I would start with “surviving the affair” available here and "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder. <P>At this point the best advice I think I can offer is this. Right now you’re Mad, hurt, Mad, in anguish, Mad and even angry. With that in mind put yourself in his pathetic little shoes. He has two options, 1.) Stay with her, where he is safe in his make believe world, where life is grand and everyone thinks he is great. Or 2.) Come home to a rightfully angry, mean and PO’d wife who is going holler, scream, cry and make him live in H%LL. This leaves you with two options 1.) Drive him to her by acting that way or 2.) With out anger explain to him that you know something must have been wrong in the M and you want very much to work it out, it will be hard, but if he agrees it can be done. Again with out anger. Don’t expect his joyful participation right off the bat. Read these books, they will give more insight into how this all works. I wish you the best and am sorry you have to be here. The folks here will help and offer a great support system. <BR>

Okay, I think that we should banish all OW and OM to a remote island, and then they can all mess around on each other without harming the families of good H's and W's. I, for one, would pay taxes to get them the h*ll away from me! <P>Anyway, if you haven't read Surviving an Affair yet, please do. It has many helpful tools that have helped a lot of us here. The concepts take a lot of determination to follow, but it has the nice side effect of making better people and saving marriages.<P>The huge issue is your husband's travelling. Affairs are <I>so</I> common when a spouse has a job that forces them to travel a lot. For five days out of the week, you're not with him to meet his needs. Of course, that is NOT justification for him having an affair, but it is a factor that contributed to making it possible.<P>If you want to save your marriage, I would start Plan A ASAP. It's hard, believe me, but if nothing else, it makes you a better person. You and your H need to have a talk about your marriage. Don't attack him - attacking him may feel good in the heat of the moment, but it won't get you what you want. It only makes things worse. At the same time, let him know how you feel. I think that he would need to find another position where he didn't travel. You two would need to spend as much time together as you possibly could to work on your marriage. I would definitely advise counseling, for yourself or joint, if at all possible.<P>We've all been through this, and I hope that others can share their advice with you. I'm sorry that you joined the club, but this is a great support system. Good Luck!

Oswald, thank you again for grounding me. I know I was harsh, I don't know how to help in this situation, as my H. never had a physical Affair. But I do encourage you to listen to Oswald, he has some calmness about him and can relate. If you want to continue this relationship, this marriage, begin to focus on you. Make changes in your life style that will be a better influence in your relationship with H. I also encourage you to take time out for you. A long hot bubble bath, a good movie, a night out with the girls, a nice long cup of coffee with your best friend. Be responsible for your own behavior, and do not try to judge your H. for his. Accept the affair, but love your H. with kindness and support, use "I" statements to tell H. how you feel. Use empathy not sympathy. But most of all realize that you are important. That you are strong and can over come this. COme here often, listen to Oswald and some of the other members. Take care I will check in later tonite---gn

Welcome <B>Mische</B>...<P>I feel so bad for you...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Do start on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...and do check out...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>If loss of money is a real problem...<BR>...you may have to go to legal recourse...<BR>If you need to <B>protect</B> yourself legally (and/or financially)... I usually make the recommendation of finding a <B>good</B> attorney. A good place to start off is at the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Martindale-Hubbell Lawyer Search</A> site. Do a search within your county... look for only "family law" specialists(>80% in divorce/custody/etc.)... make sure they do a lot of "family law committee work"... if they know the judges all the better... You can normally find a few that will give initial counseling free of charge.<BR><A HREF="http://www.uslaw.com" TARGET=_blank>USLaw.com</A> (an alternative search site)<P>You are not alone... <P> <P>Jim

It is time to focus on yourself for sure. Think about your 3 year old and being the best mom you can be. As for now your husband is in fantasy land and will be there untill he has to face reality. Just be strong for your child and think about things you can do to better yourself for you. Work out, meet other moms, walks in the park. The hardest part is not knowing what the heck your H is doing or thinking. I know it is nearly impossible but get your mind off him. Good luck and hope you know that you are loved.

<BR>Hey Sweetie, So sorry. This stinks. I will save analysis for later. Meanwhile, let's be practical:<P>You need a shark attorney right away. Act sweet and don't confront, but retain somebody to protect you and your 3 year old child. Ask about attaching his wages, freezing assets, etc. You are in a not so good situation and you know it.<P>You impress me with your courage and directness. You can handle this. Don't worry about him getting angry at you. Stay calm and cool and "take care of business" once you get an attorney. <P>Notice I'm not saying File For DIvorce. I'm saying find someone aggressive to protect you and your child. You can retain a family law attorney against the possibility of needing representation should your H decide to clean out the bank accounts, liquidate the assets, etc.<P>If you need to, to make ends meet, take in a roommate. Someone recommended by a friend, or share with another single mother to defray expenses. A friend of mine took in roomers, students from abroad who were attending language school in our city. The school paid room and board for hte students and it was a temporary arrangment - a month at a time. That way you may be able to afford staying home with your 3 year old, during the very critical stages of development. Their ability to bond and their personalities are formed from age 1-3.<P>Sorry, but keep your chin up. Be sweet, read about Plan A, but most of all Protect Yourself.<P><BR>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited November 10, 2000).]

I am so sorry to hear about this. I found out 2 weeks ago that my wife was having an affair. It totally devestated me. I don't have a lot of advise because I am so new to this. Find someone to talk to that you can trust. And pray alot. I am no holy roller but it helps tremedously. And remember what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. God has a plan for you. It is just not easy sometimes. It helped me to know there are others out there going through the same thing.<P>Good Luck and God Bless

I see that you are new here. It is very hard when we first find out about our spouses affair. The initial reaction is to give ultimatims. The initial reaction is to think about filing for divorce. Heck..at first you can't really think about much.. your heart is pounding, your head is pounding, your stomach hurts. You can't eat. You can't sleep. It's awful. Don't do anything right now until you have time to calm down. Begin to read some of the recommending affair books and the info on this site. Decide if you do love him and want him. If you do..then.. you will need to figure out a plan for creating the best environment for improving your marriage. Good luck.