Hi, I recently discovered that my W had a relationship with a co-worker..I say had because she says it's over. Who knows??,,she still works there. My question is, how do I know after over 16 yrs of marriage this was her first afair?. I had to get proof of this affair and she still denied it until the very end when she found out that I found out from some-one she works with. I ask this question no because I've had time to think and I remember about 10 yrs ago my brother inlaw complimented her and they started kissing "right in front of me"..needless to say I was p+++ed. But she swore it would never happen again. I'm quite sure it didn't "with him anyway"..he told my sister about it the next day. My question is how do I know if it hasn't happened with some-one else? She can lie and deny things unless I use the exact phrase that she thinks I need to prove something. Just like when she left the first time she said she wasn't seeing any=one "right now"...because she was sitting infront of me. I'm extremely paranoid and hurt about everything right now but this question still haunts me.<P>Tinman

Tinman, I am no expert just a non-voluntary apprentice so my thoughts are mine own, not proven. So take them at face value.<BR>This and many things will haunt you. How can you know? You can't, take it from me, at this stage there is nothing we can know for sure. Different haunts, but I went through this battle myself, just last week. There are stages to recovery, us men want to rush them, we can’t live with the sex part of the A and it tears at our heart. Even if there was no sex involved the mere thought of it is enough. That tearing only seems to make us need to know all, and that need is now! Regardless of whether the timing is wrong. <P>I truly believe that if we stay on course we will get the answers to all these questions. If the A is processed correctly you will get those answers, when your W is secure in knowing that the M will survive, knowing you can handle it and that you need to know for the sake of complete honesty and the desire to grow together from there. I would venture to guess at this point “if” she is being dishonest it is out of fear of what it will do to you, her and the relationship. <P>Ask yourself this. Are you at a stage where you can process this extra bad news “if there is any”? If you think it might drive you to give up, LB and drive her away, then you don’t need to know today. I fight this daily, and tell myself there are things that I do not need to know today because they might break my spirit. As time goes on my W tells me some of these thing with out my prompting. She has a need to get them out in the open also. <P>I also believe there is a risk involved here, and I have openly discussed it with her. Timing is everything. Us men are much frailer creatures than the world would believe. If the information comes after we have gotten a handle on our pain it could be a serious set back or the straw that breaks the back, if it never comes the A will never be processed and it could repeat itself. But if comes to soon it might be to overwhelming to handle. Explain your confusion and your state of mind to her. Agree that you will need to know the whole truth. But above all be honest enough with yourself to know when you can handle it and the desire to know is to grow and not to feed your insecurities. I wish you the best in this struggle. <BR>

Tinman, Oswald is right! We want to know everything there is to know about the affair, whether it hurts us or not! Your wife will tell you in time most likely.<P>It is hard, I know, because my wife tells me litle about her EA because it will just hurt me. Her EA is still going on.<P>I don't know, but it may be for the best to receive small amounts of information a little at a time so you can heal from these little wounds rather than get all the information at once and not be able to recover from a huge wound.<P>Your roller coaster ride will be long and hilly. Just read my post from about 2 hours ago. I was feeling low and not to good about things. I was angry and sad. I'm more up now and try to stay that way.<P>Where here for you and just try to think positive and not about the PA. Thinking about the PA or any unkown PA's will just make you more torn up inside<P>Take care

Thanks guys, it seems like I'm feeling more down then up these days. IHurt, I sure know what you're going through and what you said in your previous post,,"that's me". I like the body bag part. I went down there once but he hid and I changed my mind (thank God). I think the only thing I would have accomplished would have been to push the two of them together. I would still like to send him home with a black eye once a wk..just so he'd have to explain it ot his W.(she doesn't know about the affair). As for not wanting to know..I do want to know..as for the sex part that doesn't bother me as much as the constant lies..the one that gets me is "I didn't want to hurt you"..WHAT A CROCK!! Any little bit I found out about the affair was not from her. Now when I try and talk about it she gets upset and says "You already know everything"..boy if I had a dime for everytime she said that. I guess what I'm looking for in honesty, I can't trust her anymore and maybe if I knew she was honest I coould start to at least try. Maybe I can't let it rest. Who knows...If she didn't have to work where he works it would help alot..maybe. <P>Tinman

I can certainly understand your position, Not knowing anything but what you’ve discovered would be a bit unbearable. After my D-Day my W also continued to lie and it was a big block for me. Now I know it was from her fear of my reaction. At first she would tell me something and I would go berserk, scream, cry, LB etc. Looking back it’s a wonder she told me anything. <P>You know I believe your W’s statement that she didn’t want to hurt you. I’m certain in her justification for allowing it to happen she removed the hurt on you, by telling herself you would never know. That is truly what my W thought. <P>I’m going to steal a quote from Sillyme, posted in response to my haunts<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> <BR> SillyMe<BR>it sets my whole mindset back to if I even want to stay with a man who could hurt me so much without a second thought of how a PA would effect me. But the answer is always yes I do want my M to work. My point is when you continue to focus on past situations you can't work on the here and now. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>I think you are here, you need to make that decision. Maybe you can tell W you need more information to make the right decision. Can I suggest writing her a letter explaining your feelings and listing the questions you NEED to have answered. Writing seems to work well for me. But I caution you to be careful when and if you get those answers. If you want to continue with the M don’t go nuts like I did. Yes when your W comes out of her fog she will need to be honest with you, she’ll need to see your pain and she will need to leave her job.<BR>

Man do I know how you feel! I am 2 weeks in to this my wife had an affair with a co-worker and still works there. she doesn't know what to do. She is very remorseful. I wanted her to quit her job immediately. But that would have just driven her crazy sitting at home. They tell me she is in the fog now and to be patient. That is my advise to you. Be patient. Trust me I know how hard it is. I live it every day. He's right make sure you are ready for any new info. I know I am not ready now. You will have to forgive and start from here. Develope your relationship with your wife and be able to give her what she needs so she doesn't feel the need to get it eslewhere. Find out if there is a childhood event that is causing this and reassure her you will be there for her no matter what it is. She should know you will be there because this is the worst thing that you will have to endure and you are still there. <P>I have had thoughts of hurting the OM. Daily I have had those thoughts. 2 Years ago he would still be in the hospital or 6 feet under. Thank God I am where I am in my spirtual life. God says let him judge the wicked. believe me I would fear Gods judgment over yours any day. <P>Good luck and God bless.