I am 2 weeks in to this. My wife had an affair with a co worker. At first she was very remorseful. And I pushed and pushed until she left a few nights ago. She went to a hotel and spent the night. I checked up on her the OM did't meet her there. I believe it is over. Anyway when she left I got angry at her for what she did. She called several time throghout the night and I had turned from the oh please don't leave to mad as H%$# Not yelling mad but how could you do this mad. I would tell her that night that I didn't want to talk and let her go. she would call back every 30 min. and try to talk. then called 4 times the next morning before work. then went to concelling and the councllor told her to take her time and think about what she wanted. <BR>She called that afternoon and said she would come back if I would not talk about it. I told her she may need to stay away for another night to let me think. She called back 45 min later and said she was coming home. since then she has not talked about it at all. The only thing she has said is she wants to work on it. but doesn't know if she wants to be with me. when I tell her I love her she says "I love you too" in a low voice or "I know you do" She never tells me she loves me first.<BR>I want to tell her to leave until she is ready to commit 100% is that wrong? <BR>Is this normal 2 weeks in . I feel like she should be begging me to forgive her. I need a committment from her soon or I want to leave. I thinlk . I don't even know if I could leave.<BR>Another thing I am scared she might do this agiain or if we have bad times again she might leave. And I believe she is scared that if she stays I will not meet her needs again. and that I will not be able to forgive her and will hold this over her head. <BR>Are these normal fears. and what do I do now just wait. I feel like she believes that if she commits I will stop trying so hard. She won't TALK that is driving me crazy. <BR>I she going through withdrawls from her lover and can't show me emotion? is she confused? is this normal ?<BR>I need help It gets harder and harder to stay with her when she is not reassuring me she wants me too. <BR>Any help would be appreciated.

Are these normal fears?<P>YES !!! Totally. It is frightening to be where you are....Terrifying.<BR>It feels like all of a sudden you have lost control of your life...of your future, your dreams...<BR>You don't know what she is thinking. You fear she doesn't love you anymore. God it hurts! I feel your pain because I have just been there.<BR>All of a sudden now though my H has reached a turning point and is being receptive to me.<BR>You know what I did though...I didn't show my anger. Not much anyway.<BR>You think about it, being confronted by anger when you feel guilty and confused yourself isn't exactly going to make you all warm and fuzzy inside.<BR>Ha! I am teaching myself a lesson here aren't I <BR>Your wife HAS to open up and talk to you but you have to create an environment where she feels safe to do so...Sorry...if you really love her and want to try and work through this then you have to do some things that you don't REALLY feel justified in doing.<BR>If the reason she said she did this was because she felt you weren't meeting her needs then THIS is the time to be trying to do so.<BR>It's hard...Damn hard when you feel angry.<BR>What is the alternative though...To drive her away? Lose her completely?<P>I want to tell her to leave until she is ready to commit 100% is that wrong?<P>Do you REALLY want her to go or is this just a threat to shake her up and make her come to her senses?<BR>I read something on this marriage builders site about the idea of separation...Basically they said no...Being apart isn't going to make it any easier to work it out. What situation that requires communication is better when you are apart? (Unless of course there is the threat of physical harm...)<P>Hang IN there confused/hurt. <BR>You sound like you do love her and I believe that thats where it starts...

Hello, by no means am I an expert, but yes, these feelings are normal for both of you. She is confused and is in the so called "fog". You love her , but you are hurt and angry, etc. If you don't have counseling, you probably should get some, it does help. I have counseled with Steve Harley 3 times now for my problem. He will create a plan for you and your wife to follow.<P>You said you feel like she should be begging you to forgive her. You probably will not see that for awhile or forever. She will ask for your forgiveness latter on when the time is right, but she probably won't beg for it.<P>I no you are hurt and angry, but do you really want to whip your wife into submission and have her beg for mercy and forgiveness. I felt like this before.<P>I would rather have a wife that realizes that she has done wrong, ask for forgiveness and not expect to be riduculed or chastized. I want to be an equal with my spouse and have mutual respect, trust, and admiration towards each other.<P>My wife hasn't said she loves me for over a month. I tell her I love her every morning and evening and during the day if I call her at work, which is just about every day. Hang in there, it is a long road.<P>If your wifes affair is over and she is willing to work on the marriage, then great, half the battle is over! My wife doesn't want to work on it yet. Get a plan going, focus on the good things about your wife and work on the marriage. Form what I've read at MB, there will be ups and downs, but you can't give up! you must work at it.<P>I try to focus on why I Love my wife. It helps me stay happy and not depressed. Find what will keep you happy. If your happy, this will help keep your wife happy and hopefully things will start working out for you. With time, she will open up to you and you must be prepared to help each other through these times.<P>I am talking long here, I must get back to work. I wanted to keep my response short, but get me going sometimes and I'll babble forever.<P>Take care

My gut feeling is that you should be together if at all possible. I am only 10 days out from d-day now and, although we have not yet discussed the A at any length, I have been using the time to try and deposit LU in preparation for when we do. <P>I too expect her (want her) to suddenly rush to me in tears, begging forgiveness, and full of remorse for what she's done - but I don't think that's gonna happen, at least any time soon.<P>It's natural to want a show of affection from your W, as a sign of her commitment. I long for it too, and actually, after several days of Plan A, some small signs are beginning to show. But it has been hard work, and I know there is more hard work to come.<P>If my W is anything to go by, your W reactions are normal. She needs time to sort out her emotions and you need to patient with her. Keep depositing those LU and when she begins to come out of her fog, she'll realise how wonderful you really are.<P>Stay with it, I'm sure it will be worth it.<p>[This message has been edited by seagull (edited November 14, 2000).]