I'm angry! All of a sudden I am very very angry.<BR>Maybe it's because the fear is gone. ( I know he still loves me)<BR>How dare he sit here and say "Oh but it was because I felt so rejected..." blah blah blah...<BR>What about ME?<BR>HE doesn't have to deal with the fact that HE was rejected FOR someone else..I wasn't whispering sweet nothings in somebody elses ear.<BR>Maybe I wasn't whispering it to him but I sure as hell wasn't doing it to somebody ELSE!<BR>Understand? I am sure you do if you are the one who was cheated on.<BR>Where are you Just learning? Can you make me feel better about that fact somehow?<BR>Can anyone?<P>I WISH the shoe was on the other foot! <BR>What would HE feel like then ?<BR>He wouldn't be here.<BR>So WHY am I the one who has to take the risk....yet again.<BR>Who's to say that in a few years time the poor dear soul might feel " neglected" yet again...and go running off into the arms of someone else again.<BR>Sometimes I think it would just be easier to leave....go find someone else who HASN"T proven that they think it's ok to hurt me.<BR>I feel pathetic. Small and pathetic.<BR>I feel that all my family and friends who know will be thinking "That stupid pathetic girl...how can she go back to him?"<BR>Am I weak to be staying?<BR>I mean, how many times is this going to happen ?<BR>How many times HAS it happened?<BR>Its ok for him now...he has his old wife back....the sex is great...the closeness is there but he isn't dealing with the pain of having been rejected FOR someone else!!!<BR>I just don't know if I can do this.

You can do it.<P>It may seem hard to do the right thing...<BR>...but doing the wrong thing(s) will only make you feel worse.<P>In what you think is weakness... you'll find strength...<P> <P>Jim

Hello, I'm sorry you are hurt and angry! I think all us here are. I know I ride roller coaster of emotions a lot! Sometimes the hills and valleys are small and sometimes very large.<P>If he still loves you and you still love him, and you both want this marriage, then your on the right track. Start working on your marriage right away! It will be hard to put aside your feeling of rejection, but you have to for awhile so you can work on your marriage.<P>As for him running off with someone else in the future, I feel that if you both work on your marriage, fullfill each others needs and make your marriage grow; him running off with someone else is not really possible, because all his need are met at home.<P>Hang there and remember that you love your husband and you said that he loves you. You are hurting and realize that the pain of his affair won't go away over night. Wounds take time to heal! When you hurt really bad, vent here and don't vent at home. Someone here will be listening!<P>Take care and think about the good things that you had and the things that can be in your marriage!!

WOW, I AM HERE TO TELL YOU, I DO THE SAMETHING. A COUPLE OF DAYS I COPE WITH IT AND LIKE YESTERDAY, I WAS VERY ANGRY. I HAD THE SAME QUESTIONS WHY DO I HAVE TO GIVE IN, IT WASN'T ALL OF MY FAULT. EVEN LAST NIGHT AFTER WE MADE LOVE, I WONDER WHAT DID HE SAY TO HER WHILE THEY HAD SEX? DID HE WHISPER SWEET THINGS IN HER EAR? DID HE HOLD HER AFTER SEX? YES HE FELT NEGELECTED, NO ATTENTION, BUT WHEN WE TALK I EXPRESS TO HIM MAYBE IT WAS AN OUTCOME OF HOW I FELT IN THE RELATIONSHIP. YOU BOTH HAVE TO REALIZE THAT BOTH OF YOU HAVE TO WORK AT IT. ONE REACTION/TREATMENT IS DUE SOMETHING ELSE ALSO, HUMANS DO NOT CHANGE THE WAY THEY TREAT SOMEONE UNLESS THAT PERSON FEELS A CHANGE ON HOW THEY ARE BEING TREATED. AS THE SAYING GOES, WHAT YOU DID TO ATTRACT A PERSON YOU MUST CONTINUE TO KEEP THIS PERSON. BUT I BELEIVE IN HAVING MORE GOOD DAYS WITH THIS THEN BAD, I TRY TO KEEP A POSITIVE ATTITUDE, TRY TO SUPPRESS THIS AWFUL THOUGHTS WE CONJER UP OURSELVES AND LEAVE THAT PART OF IT ALONE, STOP THE EVIL THOUGHTS BECAUSE IT ONLY HARMING OURSELVES, ITS EATS AWAY AT YOU, VERY UNHEALTH. IT'S HARD, BUT LIKE ANYTHING IT WILL TAKE TIME, I TRY TO BELIEVE IN THIS AND ALSO DO ALOT OF SELF TALKING TO MY SELF. HANG IN THERE, VENT HERE I DO EVEN WHEN I GET CRAZY MAD, INSTEAD OF VENTING AT HIM, BECAUSE SOMETIMES IT MAKES OUR PROGRESS GO BACKWARDS, BUT AT LEAST YOU CAN EXPRESS YOURSELF IN THIS FORUM, AND IF NOTHING ELSE I WILL BE CHECKING ON YOU OR SOMEONE WILL AS THEY DO FOR ME. THIS IS A GREAT SUPPORT AND I WOULD LIKE TO THANK ALL OF YOU!!!!<P>WOW. I JUST READ YOUR NEXT MESSAGE ON REALIZING YOURSELF "ME". WOW I DO THE SAMETHING. HAVE A GREAT DAY AND A BAD DAY. I KNOW ITS HARD I HAD SAMETHING LAST NIGHT JUST FORCE YOURSELF TO THINK POSITIVE, THAT'S ALL I DO. I SLEPT PRETTY GOOD LAST NIGHT AND THIS MORNING, I VENTED. FEELING GOOD TO IT OUT. HOW TO HEAR FROM SUPPORT.<p>[This message has been edited by vazquezek (edited November 14, 2000).]

WOW! That is me to the T! I feel the exact way you do. Believe me I hate that any of us are here. But I sure is comforting to know you are not alone.<BR>You havve helped me so much so far and I hope I can return the favor. I am learning by leaps and bounds. I have learned more on this site from you guy than from my counclor at $100 a pop. <BR>From what I have read through books and the Bible. Once we get through this with our spouses we will create such a great marriage based on trust and open communication that it will be affair proof. Once he realizes your commitment and willingness to fight for your marriage. And you both learn to meet each other emotional needs. It will be better than it ever was. <BR>I am no holy roller but I have found a comfort in my relationship with God. It has filled a emptyness that I once thought was from my marriage. Read the book "Seeing the unseen" it is harsh but good. It talks about evil forces and there strain on marriges. <BR>As far as what others think. Let no man judge lest he walk a mile in your shoes. Once you have gotten throgh this what esle could be worst. you will be stronger than you ever were. Iam beginning to envy people who are over a year in to this. You can feel the confidence and wisdom through their posts. Thier reassurance is the foundation of where I am Now. <BR>It is along road I believe you are the one who told me that in a post. We are all here for you. Vent you anger here. we will be glad to be angry with you. SAVE your marriage one day we will all look back on this with our spouses and be so thankful we didn't give up!<BR>Trust in God! He will help!

It looks like this is a common thing to go through when you are the betrayed.<P>I guess venting is good and since everyone on this post is venting, I might as well vent too since I don't want to bring it home. <P>I too am having a tough time figuring out what it is I'm doing right and wrong. I've given my H the benefit of the doubt because I love him. I am now trying to give what I can give into our M. I somehow do not want to keep regressing to my hurt and anger in fear of getting set back. It is difficult to let go of the hurt when your mind is constantly bombarded with thoughts of why our spouces did what they did. I am trying to smile more, but with sadness deep inside sometimes. Sometimes it feels like things are going great, but sometimes it feels like I'm getting depressed again. It is a roller coaster ride! How much we can take is sometimes too much to accomplish. I work on it day by day and I must say that not one day passes where I'm not feeling the hurt... I am keeping an open mind and trying to give my H some trust. I know he may be going into withrowal since we're on (Plan A). And if he falters, I would like to be able to handle the blow. I have faith that he will try his best not to, but I know that the voyage may be tough for him as well. Being in the position I am in now I can see the temptations he may be experiencing. I hope and pray that he gains the strength to overcome the temptation for the sake of our M. I hope our Love for each other is stronger than the temptation. I hope he uses his passion to regain excitement in our own lives instead of just his and someone else. If there is love then there is hope. I just pray that the love he has is for me and him.<P>--BJ

Desert, All of what you are feeling is very legitimate. But remember, sometimes things get confused when we are angry. If you both agree to see this thing through and follow the plan. The time will come when he will know what he has really done. While he will never have to deal with being rejected for someone else, he will have to deal with what his actions have done to you. Sometimes when I look into my W eyes I can see that her pain is at least equal if not stronger than mine is. She goes to bed and wakes up every day knowing that she has devastated the one person in this world who would do anything for her, trusted her, and unconditionally loved her. Unless you’re the devil himself this would be tough to live with. Your H may not be here yet but if you stick with it he will get there.<P>No one can guarantee this won’t happen again, but the basic philosophy I go by and that is advised by the experts is this in a nutshell. Once you open communications and start doing things to make sure the other person is happy (all needs are met) they will have no reason or desire to stray, their witnessing the pain caused just drives another nail into it. How could they ever hurt the one meeting all those needs?<P>Are you weak? Certainly not! The weak thing to do would be run, run from your down falls, and those of the person you vowed to be with forever. Don’t be bothered by what others might think about you. Take pride in the fact that you are strong enough to get through this. I don’t know what the divorce rate is, but it’s up there. There is nothing wrong with fighting not to become a statistic. You’ve lived with this for 10 years, now you have an opportunity to make it great. Basic human nature says that if you continue to do things as you always have, you will continue to get the same results. Take this chance to do things differently. Yes, you can do it.<BR>

2B In reading your replies of late it would seem that we are in very similar places. I don’t know about you but I find offering replies somehow reinforces what I need to continue doing myself. Last week and through the weekend, I kept regressing, and digging that hurt back up. Maybe it’s a way of questioning our decision to stay, I don’t know. <BR>On Sunday eve. My W was at her limit, I was wallowing in the hurt. It was obvious this whole mess was weighing heavy on both of us. We mutually agreed to take a break. (The same advice both you and I offered to Snug.) We agreed to 3 days with out living in the aftermath. No intense discussion of the A, Recovery or any of it. Last night we went on a date, and talked about other things. I can’t tell you how much better I feel. We both know we will have to get back to it and we will. But the break is rejuvenating. You may want to try some of your own medicine. It has indeed given me a renewed sense of hope. <BR>

desertrose,<P>Anger, yes that is a good thing. It isn't good to be directed at your H, but you have feelings, this marriage isn't dead. Your mad because you care. It is hard to care, but it beats the alternative.<P>Someone on this board has a quote, from a holocaust survivor. "The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference."<P>I think we can safely say you are not indifferent. It sounds as if your H is not indifferent. This is good. As for why you should give him a second chance, it is simple. You want to and you still love the guy. <P>Isn't that the pits?? But desertrose, you have been angry before and you used it to punish him for 10 years. Did it make you feel better to not forgive him? to withdraw from him? To not really be married? Never mind what he felt like, what did you feel like?<P>I get the impression this last 10 years was not a walk in the park for you either and it was because you were angry and did not forgive him. You have all of the choices before you. You are in control of this situation. But you already did the anger and not forgiving route before. Why not try, the forgiving route. You will feel better for it no matter what your H does.<P>Please remember you are forgiving him and trying to make this marriage work for you. Then for your children, and finally for him. That is why Plan A is about addressing your issues and meeting his needs. If you become happy with yourself, your H will respond believe me he will.<P>Your doing fine desertrose. So hang in there and give it your best shot.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thankyou all...It helps SO much to hear all of your opinions and experiences and advice.<P>I made a terrible mistake last night.<BR>Even before he came home I had my "suit of armour" on...I think I prefer that description to "putting up walls" because truly its almost a physical sensation of cloaking ones self against pain.<BR>He held me as we sat on the couch watching our favourite TV shows and I knew he sensed that I was not really "there"...but he still held me and tried to show me he cared.<BR>I fought hard not to bring up all the stupid paranoid thoughts that had been going through my head all afternoon...<BR>"What if he's lying..What if he was having an online relationship before he even went to the US", was the main one.<BR>I had already asked him this once and he said no...I said I believed him but after a while I began to doubt that ...<BR>Eventually I cracked last night...bigtime.<BR>The anger took over and I stood shaking..questioning his honesty...Telling him I didn't believe him. It was an attack on him and whamo! UP went his walls...<BR>I cried...I tried to talk to him.<BR>He told me THIS is what he is afraid of...of me doing the SAME thing as before...attacking him, disbelieving him etc etc.<BR>These are the doubts HE has about me...that I CAN change this destructive behaviour.<BR>I ruined it .<BR>All day I had felt happy...looked forward to him coming home and then I did that.<BR>I tried to make him understand but I don't think he wanted to...I hurt him, that was all he could see.<BR>Eventually I told him it was ok if he wanted to keep his "suit of armour" on for now...and I tried to go to sleep next to what felt like a cold and distant person.<BR>Its funny how men and women are different...It was then that he wanted to make love...I knew it was his only way of reaching out to me.<BR>I didn't really want to but I too wanted the closeness so we did. ( I tell ya...this guy is wearing me out, lol!)<BR>I told him he was like a thirsty man coming out of the desert...but perhaps we both are.<BR>Afterward the closeness and warmth was back and we both went to sleep feeling better.<BR>I did tell him though what *I* believe and that is that most men ( I think) have sex/make love, in order to feel an emotional connection...whereas most women need to feel that emotional connection in order TO feel good about sex.<P>Anyway, we discussed whether or not I DID believe him about what he said about there having been no sexual contact with this other person and I *think* judging by his frustration and anger at me not believing him that really he is telling the truth...<BR>I told him, it still hurts though and he has to recognise and understand that as much as I have to understand the reasons for all this happening.<P>I think the important thing in this situation is to really try to make an effort to create new GOOD memories....<BR>We are going to be doing that...This weekend he wants to take me....ICESKATING!<BR>We need to have a few good laughs together...and I am sure HE will have a lot of them since he used to do a lot of skating when he was younger and was quite skilled at it... <P>thanks again everyone and next time I promise to vent here and not at him... You all remember to do the same ok!