I would like to thank every-one in this board for being there for me. It's been a really tough couple of days and I don't think I can deal with it anymore. <BR> I try talk to my W and she says she's done talking about it and doesn't want to be reminded of it anymore. I have so many questions that are un-answered and she can't (or won't) answer them.<BR> My W still works with the OM and she says she has absolutely no feelings for this guy,,I find that VERY HARD to believe since the A lasted so long and she left the kids and I twice for him. I guess I must be somewhat of a low-life since he was married and he was a better choice for her..At least until she found out he was a dog..(the fact that he was married should have said some-thing). She told me he offered to leave his W for her the day she found out he was cheating on her too...what a joke!!.<BR> Anyways...I can't talk about it and it just upsets her when I try..I think I might have bitten off more than I can chew. I thought getting her back was hard!!..living with it is a whole new ball game.<BR> I have never been so depressed or so lonely. I have no-one I can discuss this with and she says if I keep talking about it I'll drive her away. I have never gotten loud or upset with her through all this..I have tried to be understanding and I don't know what to do anymore. I have had some really helpful advice here at the board but nothing seems to work with my W. She used to tell me (if I asked) if she saw him at work..now nothing. He even drives a different car and parks somewhere else. Myabe I'm just very paranoid but who knows. I think I spent all my energy getting her back and trying to make our marriage work. I am mentally spent. I'v raised our kids (practically alone) for the last 4 yrs..I'm self employed so I can juggle my appointments around to suit the kids routine. But I never get recognize for anything and I'm worn out and at my wits end.<P>Once again thanks to everyone here.<BR>God bless you all!!!<BR>Tinman

Tinman, I’m sorry to hear this and sorry for the hurt you are in. We have all struggled with the decision you have made. I have this battle also and if it were not for my W willingness to be open and want to fix us I don’t think I would have the strength to do it. If you are going to throw in the towel do it gently. You never know maybe at some point she may wake up and you may still have a glimmer of strength left.<P>Find someone to talk to, go to a counselor. You need to heal. Remember, that someone will always be here at MB regardless of the road you take. <BR>

Dear Tinman40:<P>"I don't think I can deal with it anymore."<P>Sorry. This hurts so bad. It's awful hard to live with. You just want it over, resolved, "fixed". Who can blame you? I want the same thing. Have for the last year and a half. The betraying spouse never comprehends the depth of pain they have caused. A lot of them try to minimize the things they have done, rationalize, ("OP is just a friend; you don't want me to have a friend! For once in your life, think of me." "It was purely physical. I never loved OP." "You were to blame for my A" "I only kissed OP" "You weren't interested in me" "I didn't swallow!" "We had safe sex" "It was only phone sex") Others here can come up with even funnier rationalizations, if they post. <P>"I try talk to my W and she says she's done talking about it and doesn't want to be reminded of it anymore. I have so many questions that are un-answered and she can't (or won't) answer them."<P>Other BS's who post here never have the satisfaction of knowing exactly what happened, yet they rebuild. They just give in to the WS out of love, and a desire to have the marriage work. Not everybody can do that. I'm not saying that you don't love your wife enough to do it; I'm saying that not everybody is wired the same way.<P>That there are secrets between your wife and the OM to which you are not privy is a killer. There is an intimacy there; you're the outsider. That feeling can come from an EA or a PA, and it hurts. I've posted about how I felt like an outsider looking in to the circle of love around my H and his BestFriend. And how I tried to be happy for him. Happy that he had a friend to share with. After a few years I was truly on the outside of the circle of his heart. <P>I try prying my way in with questions. I try blasting my way in with accusations, with ugly words. I try warming my way in with acts of service. And I'm still the Bad One. Nothing works.<P><BR>"My W still works with the OM and she says she has absolutely no feelings for this guy,,I find that VERY HARD to believe since the A lasted so long and she left the kids and I twice for him."<P>Understandable. I wouldn't believe it either. Sounds like sour grapes.<P>"I guess I must be somewhat of a low-life since he was married and he was a better choice for her..At least until she found out he was a dog..(the fact that he was married should have said some-thing)."<P>Dont' succumb to the temptation to pour S*** on yourself and hate yourself. Easy for me to say. I do the same thing. My H's EA has made me doubt my worth, my looks, my intellect, my attractiveness. But don't do it Tinman40. <P>"She told me he offered to leave his W for her the day she found out he was cheating on her too...what a joke!!." Okay, the guy's a scum. We know it. Your W knows it. His W probably knows it. Let's not waste any more time on him. There is ultimate judgment on the last day. Put it in God's hands.<P>Stop talking about it. Can you live with it? Only you know what you can tolerate. I'm not saying you're weak, or that staying in the marriage and working on it is ultimately the right thing to do. It may just be that the marriage can't be repaired, that the relationship is fatally broken. Your W took the chance that that could happen when she entered into the A. Your marriage may not be one of those that can become stronger after an affair. Some can, some can't. <P>From what I've seen by Harley, one element that is necessary to rebuild after an A is that the betrayer has to be remorseful. I don't get that your wife has expressed remorse. It's a necessary element for forgiveness. If the betrayer doesn't admit that they have done wrong, how can you forgive them?<P>Try to hang in just a little longer. Can you find a counselor who uses Harley principles? Can you talk to the Harleys? I really think they have common sense and good values. <P>Come here, "talk" to us. There's a guy here, K, who has a l-o-n-g time rebuild after his wife's affair. Real tough going. Maybe he can offer your some perspective and encouragement. <P>And God bless you too.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Tinman,<P>Oswald is right. We've all found ourselves in this situation at one point or another in recovery. Have faith in yourself and your wife. It sounds like she needs time to realize what she has done. I mean really come to terms with the pain she has caused by her actions. Stay strong and hang in there. Talk to someone. It really helps to go to counceling even by yourself. There you will find tools to help you heal. More of a realization of your self-worth, self-healing, and others that you will find will help you through this. I was there not too long ago and wanted a separation from my H. I know how it is to ride the emotional roller coaster. I'm still on it, but I'm holding on for dear life and hoping to survive. I know I will, because I am giving my M an effort to stay away from the D-statistics. <P>We're here for you<P>Take care....<BR>--BJ<p>[This message has been edited by 2Bornot2B (edited November 17, 2000).]

I remember feeling the exact same way and it is amazingly frustrating. They don't want to be reminded of what jerks they were and you need to talk about it desperately. What about counseling? Is she willing...it sounds like the only way.<P>Sounds like you have done all the work and you are at the end of your rope - she needs to know you are not an endless well of patience and that you need to be "refilled" as well.<P>Good Luck!