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Dear TeeAreOhYouBeEL.Eee:<P>"This woman seems to know more about whays going on in our marriage than i do.... thats extremely insulting to me. "<P>Your H has been or may still be in an EA, possibly PA. I experienced the same thing. You can read my posts here. <P>I think what you'e doing, e-mailing your H back and forth as a way to practice communication, is an excellent idea. I suggested the same thing to my H, and he agreed to it, (not e-mailing, but writing to each other on our own computer.) We didn't follow through, but I may bring it up again. I become sharp, sarcastic, explosive when we try to talk about anything that reminds me of his BestFriend. Writing would provide a detatched way to talk.<P>"Shes going through a difficult marriage and it supposedly started when she needed someone to talk to."<P>Red flag, danger Will Robinson, danger. Opposite sexes who talk to each other about their troubled marriages will connect emotionally. They can become closer to each other than to their real life mates. They may find out that they both have the same frustrated dreams, sacrificed for love of the now tiresome spouse. They start to think "If only ...."<P><BR>"If my Husband had called me and told me that she needed someone to talk to i probrably wouldnt be so upset...." Crap! You would have sensed danger and he knew it. "but he says he didnt tell me cause he knew id flip out." Any spouse with common sense would flip out because of what I wrote above. Emotional connection.<P>"He told me he was working late when he was with her and then he wouldnt come home all night."<P>One of the 50 signposts of an affair. He lied to you to be with her. EA or PA, it don't matter. He betrayed you in favor of her feelings.<P>"he stayed with a firend of his. 9 this i believe)"<P>And I have a bridge I want to sell you.<P>"i admit to having a problem of not letting him finish his sentances. I dont have an excuse. and i have vowed to myself to try harder." <P>You can break this habit, and I trust you to do it. It's fixable.<P>Advice: Stop e-mailing this "OW". Don't respond to her provocation. Cut off all contact. Let her have the "last word". It will kill her. She's feeding on it. You're cooperating with supporting a triangle. Pull out. Let it collapse. Spend your energy e-mailing your H, learning how to communicate. Read up on Plan A. Implement it.<P>IMHO, if your husband is really serious about working on the marriage, he'll make the sacrifice of finding another job where contact with the OW is not possible. But that's a personal decision.<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess<p>[This message has been edited by Bellevue (edited November 17, 2000).]

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Tee,<P>As difficult as it is to remove yourself from a situation that you did not create, it might be wise to do just that. Belle is right in saying that by being in contact with the OW, you are feeding into what she wants you to feel, which is low and bad about yourself. You know who you are and you know what kind of life you want to lead. Do not let her get to you. Be the bigger person and let her be. Consentrate on what you have and what she can't have. <P>You need to concentrate on your own self wellness as well as helping your marriage work. It's very good that you are aware of your faults as well as your strengths. People often believe that women always think they're right, well with your statement on your post, they may find that contradicting. It takes a smart woman to realize their faults and actually do something about it. Like you, I also have a memory that often serves me for the worse instead of the best, but through this site, I often got advice that generates those thoughts into much more productive things other than distructive things. You will find that by thinking and wollowing in the past, it only makes progress slower or even dormant (major LB). Look to the future and healing. I know it's hard to trust right now, but talk to you H and let him know how you feel and what he might be able to do to give you some comfort at these hard times. <P>Take care...<BR>-BJ<P>

.<p>[This message has been edited by TeeAreOhYouBeEL.Eee (edited July 25, 2001).]

Tee,<P>I have been there where your H is thinking there is another woman who understands me more than my wife does. So, he may be 'addicted' to her. It will take moral courage on his part to break this.<P>

Tee,<P>Don't worry about posting on my post. It's okay. Dogbert is one of the people that has helped me through this process of getting my head straight. Him having been on the other side has helped me build compassion towards my H's actions. Helped me understand that this was not my fault. He's been there for me and a lot of other people and the knowledge he has to offer really helps build the right attitude to have in these situations. Have faith and I will be here if you need to talk.<P>--BJ<P>P.S.<BR>Dogbert, see you do have a possitive effect on people...Good job man!!!<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 2Bornot2B:<BR><B><BR>P.S.<BR>Dogbert, see you do have a possitive effect on people...Good job man!!!<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Hey, all that you had to say to me made me feel quite good. I went home and that was the first thing I told my wife about it and she thought it was very sweet. I get a lot of joy from trying to help. Especially when someone tries as hard as you are trying! <P>

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TeeAreOhYouBeEL.Eee:<BR><B><BR>How am i suppose to deal with the fact that he was so inconsiderate and hurtful? i Think my anger overides everyother logical thought right now...... ok question...... for a person as pigheaded as me.. nhow long does it take to get rid of the anger..... <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Tee,<P>Yes, what he has done was inconsiderate and hurtful. I can understand the anger part - believe me, I can... The thing is no-one really knows when that anger will go away. I still feel it from time to time. I think it's what you do with it that counts. Talk about the cause of your anger and let it out in a possitive way. There are ways to transform your anger to gain a possitive outcome. The other night I was angry. I let my anger out by talking to my H. Not yelling or being mean, just letting my feelings out. He was very supportive which made me realize that sometimes this is what we need to do to gain peace within ourselves. Counceling also works. I think any type of release is good as long as it's not hurting anyone including yourself. I've had a lot of practice with this and been through a lot of different emotions that took me for a real bumpy ride. I'm barely getting a grip of my sanity now. This forum helps. Even if you feel anger towards your H or the situation, do not release it in a negative way. Just remember think self-wellness, possitive things. <BR> <BR>--BJ<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Dogbert:<BR><B> I went home and that was the first thing I told my wife about it and she thought it was very sweet. I get a lot of joy from trying to help. Especially when someone tries as hard as you are trying! <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR> <BR>I'd bet that was a wonderful thing to share with your wife. I'd be pretty happy too if my H used his experience to somehow make peoples problems a little less complecated. I'm sure in time he may.<P>Thanks for the encouragement...<P>--BJ <BR>

Dear Tee, <P>"WOw i must that reply has done more damage then good." Sorry. Just offering my opinion and if I'm harsh please forgive me. It's 50-50 that I'm wrong in what I see. I see through a prism of my own experience of my H having a EA ("Emotional Affair") and the shrivelling of our marriage. <P>A PA is a "Physical Affair". They don't always go together. But EA's are the prelude to PA's and they can sneak up on the best people. Even clergy have been known to succumb.<P>"maybe i had forgot to add that i warned him to stay away from her.... i told him that with her marriage all broken.she was very vunerable."<P>If your H is in an EA he's in a fog. He will give no credibility to your common sense or intelligence. It wouldn't matter what your IQ was, what your standing in grad school was, or whether you had just won a Nobel Peace Prize. When it comes to the friendship of this other woman, you are a total dolt. You know nothing. He is the only one who recognizes its pure, pristine, untouchable, platonic, nature.<P>Buddha, Christ, Moses, and God the Father could call him into the men's room for a chat, tell him what you've told him, and he wouldn't hear it.<P>Lurk here, read the Just Found Out boards, the Harley philosophies about affairs, how they should end, and so forth. Also read about Plan A. <P>And find a healthy outlet. Exercise, prayer, yoga, facials, whatever works and whatever you can afford. Don't confide in any opposite sex friends. You see what that kind of closeness can lead to.<P>Welcome to our sad little site.<P><P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

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Tee,<P>Click on the thread I have just highlighted for you. I believe you will see some information in this thread that will be of interest and use to you. There are a few other posters in "desertroses's" situation.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000437.html" TARGET=_blank> desertrose </A><P>God Bless,<P>JL

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by TeeAreOhYouBeEL.Eee:<BR><B> he knew what i was like before we were married if he didnt like it he should have gotten oput then.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Tee,<P>I've often though of this before, but not anymore. I often thought that after we got married, things started changing for the worse. The fact is I know why my husband married me and I know why I married him. It's because we had a love for each other that we wanted to share as man and wife. Regardless of our spouces actions now, it doesn't change the fact that you love him. Love is the reason why you two got married. Changes in our lives will keep happening, because we as human being will keep learning. It's tough to see our lives in turmoil especially once we decided to share it with someone else, expecting it to be always happy. What we need to remember is that even though you two are married, you are still two different individuals who has two different opinions about things. Not one is necessarily more right than the other, just differences in opinion. The trick is to learn about each other and utilize what you have learned in your daily lives with consideration and respect. It's hard for us women to understand why men do the things they do, but I'd bet it's even harder for them to understand us women. I read a book that helped me understand the reasons why my husband does the things he does without him explaining it to me. Of course I discussed it with him and he was pretty open in stating weather or not what the book says applies to him. It might help you understand your husband and vice versa, he may find it helpful to see how you may feel and want to be treated. You may have read this book, but if you havn't, It's a great book to have. <P>"Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus"<P>Try to read it and see if your husband might read it with you.<P>--Best Wishes--<BR>-BJ<BR>