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#403341 11/21/00 01:34 PM
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Why am I going down again? I been having a really good week. My partner has been spending more time at home. We've been communicating alot more. He's been bring flowers, wine and dining me. Being silly, laughing. It's been great, we are really building a friendship.<P>Then why, why, why do these awful thought of OW come in. I know that her father is in town this week. She had ask my partner to meet him, she alleges he is the father of her child. (Of course she will not Test to make sure) I am really tightening the ropes on him, calling him much more, checking up on him alot and timing his comings and goings. I am even searching through his clothes, pockets etc.. I feel if she played on his guilt, without actually knowing he was the father, and he went over there to help her financial for a few months, she could work her evil majic now. I must be tripping.<P>I really hate she has his phone number at work and cell. I realize I cant have his boss change his phone number and unfortunately 500 business card went out with his cell phone. <P>Somebody set me straight. I do not want to suffocate my partner. I do love him, and I know he really loves me. I even asked him Do you love me? He always answers I never never stop loving you.<P>I am afraid and sad. Help.<p>[This message has been edited by vazquezek (edited November 21, 2000).]

#403342 11/21/00 02:46 PM
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If anyone could come up with an antidote to cure those feelings they would be worth a mint. I’d sell everything for a dose or two of that. As I get more into this I am realizing that no matter how much we all read, learn or go through the exercises of recovering, it always comes back to the same thing. Our insecurities, anger, hurt, anguish (what ever you want to term it) is the one major factor that stands in the way of true recovery. <P>Your sentiments have been expressed in majority of the threads here at MB in one shape or another. I have expressed them and also suffer from these feelings, daily. But what I have read from others here who are further along, is that they will get better. <P>Here are things that I have identified that will ease these feelings. <P>1. The longer your spouse shows you support, repentance, love trust etc. the easier it will get. (Time)<P>2. YOU must be the one to make a conscious effort to let go of these feelings. (Much easier said then done)<P>3. You must let your spouse know when these feelings take hold so that he can help you work through them when they are really bad.<P>These are what I have picked up on from the old timers, Anyone please add to the list we all need it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by vazquezek:<BR><B>Then why, why, why do these awful thought of OW come in. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have my own opinion of why these toughts come to me. I’m sure some would think I’m a nut but I personally feel that they are attempt by satin to ruin my recovery / M. I see them as satin or his helpers trying to undo my progress. When the thoughts come, I look to God for help and reassurance. I pray for him to be with me until the treat of these thoughts taking over is gone. I asked for the continued strength to fight them off. So far my prayers have been answered. <P>I don’t know if this is any help but it is what I can offer.<P><BR>

#403343 11/21/00 03:24 PM
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I agree with you Oswald. I call it "fighting my demons". It's a constant battle in recovery and I don't believe there's anything harder to avoid than your own presumptions of who, what, when, where... These questions will run around like pests in your mind and the only thing you can do about it is fight it. Fight it by doing something to preoccupy yourself. Talk to someone. Post messeges here. Anything to prevent delaying, interupting, destroying your recovery. These thoughts are in the past and they shall remain there. I know it's easier said than done. That's why I'm replying to this messege. I'm hoping it will make sense to me...<P>--BJ

#403344 11/21/00 04:47 PM
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I have my own opinion of why these toughts come to me. I’m sure some would think I’m a nut but I personally feel that they are attempt by satin to ruin my recovery / M. I see them as satin or his helpers trying to undo my progress. When the thoughts come, I look to God for help and reassurance. I pray for him to be with me until the treat of these thoughts taking over is gone. I asked for the continued strength to fight them off. So far my prayers have been answered. <P>I tend to disagree with that...No offense [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Nobody else, no outside "force" is to blame for these feelings...I believe it is simply FEAR that blocks our recovery.<BR>Fear that we will be abandoned. Fear that we are not worthy, that someone else is or was better, as a person or sexually etc etc.<BR>It is ourselves, our own minds.<BR>We have to take responsibility for this.<BR>Anyway, that's JMO.<P>

#403345 11/21/00 04:57 PM
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[QUOTE]Originally posted by vazquezek:<BR>[B]Why am I going down again? I been having a really good week. My partner has been spending more time at home. We've been communicating alot more. He's been bring flowers, wine and dining me. Being silly, laughing. It's been great, we are really building a friendship.<P>Then why, why, why do these awful thought of OW come in. <P>Seems to me that things have been going well and now the fear is in your mind that he is not to be trusted. Are you expecting him to betray your trust again ?<BR>I think you need to express these thoughts to him...gently. It certainly complicates matters with her saying he is the father of her child.<BR>Perhaps she is just desperate though and this is her way of holding onto him.<BR>I would want to find out if this child really IS his because if it is then yes this will need to be addressed .<BR>Surely he does too ?<BR>I suppose you can't MAKE her go through the process of finding this out but I would expect that my husband would be taking measures...insisting that she did or else refuse to have ANY further contact with her.<P><BR>

#403346 11/21/00 08:35 PM
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Thanks for all your inputs.<P>Well he tells me that there is no contact. He is not calling her at all since the day after he told me, and to inform her, no paternity no help, no contact. That's it.<P>We have been communicating, but it like starting a friendship. A lot of our talking is generic. Which is good because we are talking getting to know each other, but it's never directed directly towards the A or what I feel about the A, when I have a bad day. Sometimes I don't want to bring anything up except tell him I just having a bad day and he hugs me, but to talk about it get him upset. I don't know because he can't stand to see the pain he has created or just doesn't want to deal at all.<P>But, yes my fear is that he will take advantage of me again. I, besides him telling have to rely he is telling me the truth about her not calling him. I believe if she was desperate enough to keep strings attach with him by saying he is the father, even after a couple of weeks of no communication (mind you d-day was Oct.21 this year) why wouldn't she call him again.<P>He feels sometime I should just get over it, just forget. No problem for him he has had two year to reconcile with his mistake. I have one month. Why do they think just forget it? or just get over it, like I can just switch them off like a light switch.<P>I will try to tell him gently how I feel without bringing the OW in telling my feelings. But direct it towards how I am feeling about our relationship and him and trust and my insecurities. I hope I can do this calmly without crying outburst. Any suggestions out there.<P>I am so afraid of being betrayed again.

#403347 11/21/00 10:02 PM
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That is a GOOD thing that your husband has said no paternity no contact. Very good.<P>As far as him not wanting to discuss the A....Well, truth is you NEED to. Talk that is. (Not accuse or attack or critisize him for it....Ahhh but how hard that is!)<BR>How else will you gain understanding about WHY it happened?<BR>Unless you understand you cannot possibly forgive.<BR>Will he go to councelling with you?<BR>If not I STRONGLY suggest that you go for yourself. Believe me it helps SO much with the healing process.

#403348 11/21/00 10:32 PM
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I don't know if he will go to counselling, we can't talk about the A specifically an now as you read on, he doesn't want to talked about anything just sweep it out of my mind and live like nothing happened. Please read my post:<P>Well I called my partner just now to see when he was coming home. Since his grandmother was sick, the family cancel Thanksgiving fuction. So last night we talked about what we were going to do. I said I would cook us a nice family dinner with some of the trimmings and have cornish game hens instead of a big turkey.<BR>In our conversation on the phone today, he said his aunt wanted me to bring a salad on Thrusday. I said I thought we were not cooking and I went to the market and bought the stuff for our little family. He got a bit louder and said well I am going to see my grandmother one of these days I have off.<BR>I am going to be down there, which is 50 miles away.<P>I got a bit quiet, because I felt down. Not because he wanted to visit his grandmother, but I wanted this holiday to be special. For the first time our little family together. <P>Well need less to say, he got angry. He felt that I did not want him to go down at all. I assured him no. I just told him I wouldn't feel comfortable if he spent a night down there. His grandmother is in the hospital, so he could not stay in her house. <P>The OW lives down there, I got so insecure. I got really quiet and he got really angry. He said don't make me angry at you, I said please don't have me on egg shells. Now that your angry you will go fine peace with OW (my thoughts). He said that the furthest thing from my mind.<P>I again assured him I would never impose on seeing his family. I was just wondering would he be back for dinner or was he staying down there. He said why don't you just bring the salad and be done there. I of course agreed.<P>But maybe I am just an emotional mess, it only been one month since I found out this OW. And even though the A ended two years ago, until five months ago (up until Oct when he told me) he had been going to her house helping her out fiancially and like he says trying to keep the peace so he would not be in an paternity suit. (Stupid from the beginning he should have gotten a paternity test, she a bi--H!, scamming whore sleeping with several guys at one time and trying to scam on one who is most vulenrable).<P>I just really wanted and was set in my heart for our little family to spend a nice dinner together after this fiascal. Maybe I am being selfish. But I feel so fragile. I really scared now he will betrayed me again. I am so nervous. I know I will have a sleepness night, I can't even eat dinner. <P>why am I always feel like I am on trial? Like I am on egg shells. Once again, I can't bring anything up about the A or if I am having a bad day. What am I going to do? <P>Help Running Scared. <P>


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