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#403370 11/22/00 04:13 AM
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Well here it is 4:20 AM, I leave for work in 3 ½ hours, another day to look forward to the glassy eyes and knot in my stomach. I really have neither questions to ask nor advice to seek, as I already seem to know the answers as to how I should act, and react. I just need to get my toughs out somewhere, so here I sit sharing my tales of woe with you poor folks yet again. <P>My W is working a night shift again, these are my worst nights. I decided it was time to do some snooping just to be sure she was being honest about no contact. Well I found no evidence of contact but what I did find has me twisted. I found her journal. I didn’t even know she had a journal, though in my defense it was just started about 2 months before the A. I know I should not have read it, but lets face it in our circumstance who wouldn’t. Well I learned a few things, I won’t go into all the nitty gritty but here is the one that floors me.<P>She swore to me through the whole discovery and start of Recovery that he was never in our house. “She just wouldn’t do that” <BR>Here is what I now read. “Oswald, left this morning on business trip to ******. OM was here this evening, as I write this I can still smell him, I can’t believe I miss him already” <BR>How’s that for a nice kick in the stomach? <P>So here I am 5 weeks into it and I feel as though with all this new info I'm back to square one. We had both agreed to complete honesty, agreed that we needed it for a solid foundation on which to rebuild. This is a question I have asked several times. I know that she held this back to protect me but some how it seems protecting me hurts worse. What really bothers me is that I don’t know how to feel. I have the shakes, yes I’m sad, but I can’t cry and there is not really any anger, I’m just kind of numb. Maybe it hasn’t settled in. <P>I spoke to her at work around 1:30 AM but did not disclose my knowledge, I did not want to force her to work all night in a panic. I will tell her what I know in the morning, when she gets home. I have to, I believe in complete honesty. <P>I’m just numb and I’m weary, I am not looking forward to the task at hand. <P>Thanks again for listening.<BR>oswald<BR>

#403371 11/22/00 06:43 AM
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Sorry for the added blow you've gotten. But you know, while they are in the fog, it is hard to trust anything they say. Sometimes I'm not sure my H knew what was true and what wasn't back then.<P>Hang in there--<P>Kathi

#403372 11/22/00 07:13 AM
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Yes...<P>You can be honest!<P>Do it lovingly...<BR>...let her know you are being hurt...<BR>...but don't hurt her back!<P>(A tricky thing to do... I know)<P>If possible... don't disclose <B>how</B> you found out!<P> [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Jim

#403373 11/22/00 08:37 AM
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Oswald,<BR>Sorry to hear about your set back! I know it is hard to trust your wife, especially when you want to beleive they are telling the truth! In my situation, I beleive my wife is still hiding things because she thinks she is protecting me from the hurt. I want to know everything so there is no more surprises and I guess thats the way you want it too.<P>Like NSR said, confront her but do it in a non-hostile, loving way!! If she's not seeing the OM anymore, she's probably in a mode where she wants to forget about the whole thing. Probably in a withdrawal stage like being addicted to drugs and having the drugs taken away! I don't know, I'm speculating!<P>Life is tough and I wish I had all the answers! Hang in there and remember why you still LOVE her. If she isn't seeing OM anymore, can you consider this a step in the right direction for recovery?<P>Take care!

#403374 11/22/00 08:59 AM
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Dear Oswald,<P>Like all WS, they want to protect and lessen the traumatising effects on us. Maybe even feel a little honourable doing that. I know only the truth can set some of us free. I belong to the must know all and total honesty camp and it really is hard to make the WS tell all the truth. So, I do have events unfolding as more stuff come out of the closets or rather he*l pits. Every new revelation is a biggie because even they know what is the real bad ones so they hide.<P>I am so sorry that you find yourself in such a deceived state. What torments our souls and minds are we no longer recognise the spouse because suddenly they are these awful despicable people who did cruel things behind our backs. But I know that I rather be a BS than a WS, primarily because I wouldn't be able to redeem myself, especially if the marriage had been great. <P>God bless you and heal you<BR>weep

#403375 11/22/00 10:04 AM
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Hi Oswald,<P>By the time you read this, you would have probably talked to your W. I do hope she will understand your point of view and listen with compassion. I thought I'd let you know that I know how it is to be NUMB by our "findings" of our S's actions that they regretted to tell us. What are we to do with the knots in our stomachs or that unbearable anxiety? The answer is I don't know, but it will pass. Talk and let her know how it affects you and maybe she will feel more opt to disclosing her secrets to you. She probably feels afraid that you will get very hurt, but let her know that you need to know in order to heal. I know that that's what I need to heal and to forgive, because as long as I keep finding stuff out that my H had not disclosed to me, it does set me back to square 1 and the trust is gone again... I am being patient and giving him space to decide when he would like to disclose these things with me, but the waiting is really very hard.<P>I'm just sharing my own feelings with you to let you know that you are not alone. I and most of the people here know how difficult this process is.<P>We're here for you Oswald as you have been there for us...<P>Take Care...<BR>-BJ

#403376 11/22/00 10:16 AM
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Sorry to hear about that!<P>My wife has promised the same thing. OM has never been in my house. I don't want to know if he has. If I found out it would hurt. <BR>But I quess we have to keep in mind that they are confused and an emotion wreak during these affairs. and when it is all over and our marriages are stronger. My plan is to sell our home and move into a new one free from all of the bad memories. That may need to be a plan for you as well. I see our house now as a place to rebuild and when it serves it purpose it will be sold and replaced with a home to spend the good times in. <BR>The small information we find out along the way sometimes hurts more than the thought of the actual affair. I wonder why that is?<P>I hope this is helpful. I don't feel like I help much because I am still learning so much. I can tell you I am hear to listen and support all of you all of the time.

#403377 11/22/00 03:32 PM
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Oh Oswald...I am sorry to hear of yet another horrible pain you now have to bear.<BR>I know only too well of wanting to know...wanting to check, snoop, LOOK for evidence of more lies, more betrayals.<BR>It is so destructive to yourself to do that even though the urge is SO irresistable.<BR>It's like we just want proof sometimes that our partners are just terrible people hell bent on hurting us.<BR>That is not what they really are though.<BR>An A forces people to do all kinds of nasty sneaky things....things ultimately they will carry with them forever and feel guilty about.<BR>I just hope you can talk with your wife...gently...explain how much this lie has hurt you and that you don't want to be finding out anything else which will hurt you and hinder YOUR progress.<BR>If it's the complete truth you want then she should honour that and have faith that you can handle it. You have to have faith too.<BR>Good luck.

#403378 11/24/00 08:05 PM
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Thanks everyone, your words do help. I read them that day but have not had a chance to sit down and write. We’ll Jim your right disclosing how I found out was a BIG mistake. Too bad I didn’t read your reply first. <P>It went awful, but in the end came out ok. My W went a little nuts over my disclosure of finding this info and reading her journal. She was leaving, made up her mind this was all she could take and she wanted out. I just kept telling her I loved her and did not want to quit but I would respect her wishes. I went out of my way not to LB or do anything else to drive her away. Once she settled down and we began to FINALLY communicate it all dawned on me. I had been following the principals offered in this site but not totally, not always, and not religiously.<P>Once she understood she could talk to me about her problem it all came out. The A has not been over for 6 months, it’s only been a few weeks. Her last contact was not 6 months ago, it was only days after D-day, she has not gone through her withdraw, it still lingers. The OM is getting married tomorrow and it plagues her. These will be a few hard days for her, after all this is someone she had/has love for. If you’re a WS and reading this PAY CLOSE attention to my next statement. This information did not hurt me, It filled me with more joy than I have had in weeks. Why, because finally I know all that I need to, I know that she needs help and believe me if your BS is still with you they can handle this info too. How relieved was the look in her eyes to really know I was there for her. I told her Comfort and Protect were part of my wedding vows and I fully intend to live up to them. If she needs me now to get through this, then I will do all I can to help. I even got her to come here to the site and I think she is going to start posting in the Recovery group for some added support. <P>On Turkey day while getting ready for guest to arrive she was dancing in the kitchen t the radio with a smile that glowed of happiness. God if I could have bottled the joy, that I had seeing this it would carry me to the end of my days. I know this journey is not over no where near close, we will have many more ups and downs but I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, and how sweet that it looks.<P>oswald<BR>

#403379 11/28/00 01:30 PM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by oswald:<BR><B>T God if I could have bottled the joy, that I had seeing this it would carry me to the end of my days. <BR>oswald</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oswald, I am so happy for both of you. Certainly that wonderful smile that comes from happiness truly makes our hearts get lifted with joy. Almost like our troubles are well worth going through if that <SMILE> is our reward. <P>I hear you about the LB's. Sometimes it's really hard not to. I know I've done my share of LB's. I think I will try a little harder not to. It's just I can't stop thinking that I was hurt and I need to be the one who is being taken care of. Then I realize that he's already going through his own problems so I need to be there for support. Sometimes it confuses me, but reading about your quest to save your M makes me realize that I should just be strong and release my emotions on here instead of my H. I just wish me letting him know how I feel would not push him away, but help him understand me more. At this point I think letting him know would only make things worse. <P>Here comes the roller coaster ride again...<P>--BJ<BR>

#403380 11/28/00 03:13 PM
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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by 2Bornot2B:<BR><B> I hear you about the LB's. Sometimes it's really hard not to. I know I've done my share of LB's. I think I will try a little harder not to. It's just I can't stop thinking that I was hurt and I need to be the one who is being taken care of. <P>Here comes the roller coaster ride again...<P>--BJ</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>BJ, It is no doubt one of the most difficult things I have ever encountered. I don’t know if what I’m doing is absolutely the correct way but it seems to be working. I understand the feeling that “BS was wronged” and should be the one that is taken care of. I still struggle with this at times. Luckily my W understands this and does take care of me. I do let her know when I’m hurting. I just try not to blame her, rather I blame the A. Seeing the results is what keeps me going. She continues to tell me that we can make it and she wants to. But actually seeing the results the <SMILE> is what helps. There is a post in the Recovery Group from Hollow titled How do I not die inside. He makes some pointed statements about what we go through. The replies from WS’s helped reinforce to me what I’m doing is right in my case.<P>IMO the WS has to get over their pain and out of the fog before true recovery can start. It is very hard to listen when she talks about the pain she is going through caused by the separation from the OM. However, I know it is equally difficult for her to share this information with me. It makes her feel guilty. She continues to express that she feels awkward telling me these things. My response is that I would rather she tell me than OM. I see it this way, when the A started the OM was someone who would listen, sympathize and show empathy for her problems (Mostly Me). This is where her feelings of love for him came from, sure I think he’s a no good SOB but he offered his ear, used it to his benefit and made many love bank deposits. <P>Now if she needs someone to listen, I’m glad to have the opportunity regardless of how it makes me feel. I see it as a way to fill in the cracks that I caused and re-deposit some of my own love into that bank. Believe me I’m not perfect, I have moments and also LB. But I fight the urge at all times. When she talks about OM I absolutely refuse to LB. It took too much to get where we are and one slip could kill it. One of the ways we avoid this is our code. If our discussions become too much for me to handle we have agreed all I have to say is “Uncle” and she knows we have to finish later. She has also used it when I probe to deep.<P>I try to keep in mind that honesty is a good thing, it is the foundation. But if I LB then I’m killing Honesty’s chance. I truly believe that in the long run that if we (BS) do this thing correctly, our chance “to be taken care of” will come. When it does we won’t even know it happened it nor long for it because it will be there. If not, as the book says our love bank will be empty and it won’t hurt to walk away.<P>I don’t know if any of this helps or makes any sense, I feel like I’m rambling. Just keep fighting against that roller coaster.<P>oswald <P><BR>

#403381 11/28/00 04:05 PM
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I learn more and more every day reading these posts. I know my W is hurting because of her withdrawls from OM. I never looked at it like you explained. OM deposited huge amounts of love units by listening to her problems about me. What a way to redeposit by listening to her problems from him.<P>I t will probably be the hardest thing I have had to do. But I never thought I would make it this far. I may have to say UNCLE often.<P>Thanks again for all of you support.

#403382 11/28/00 11:08 PM
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Oswald: My heart ached to hear about your pain, yet rejoiced in your new found happiness. I too have found it hard to listen to my H. discuss OW's qualities. My fears to snoop now are high. I just got back from tailing H. but lost him when he got into heavy traffic. I do not know how to explain my fear. All I know is that I have the fear that the OW is where he goes when he leaves me. I have this fear, that he is laughing at me when he leaves our home to go to where ever he goes. I have no way of contacting him in case of an emergency. I have no way of reaching him if one of the children become injured or really sick. H. says he won't tell me where he lives because he is protecting himself. I don't understand, and I am getting ready to just turn my back and leave. I am not sure I want to snoop, but the URGE Is so STRONG to find out to where he is living. He spent four days here, found out I had a a long distant block on my telephone so that he could not make long distant calls, and got very mad at me, calling me silly and paranoid. AM I? gn


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