First of all> I would like to thank all of you for your advice and support through this. It really means alot when people you don't even know really feel your pain. I am getting to the point that I can start replying to your concerns without being scared I may give wrong advice.<P>I am 3.5 weeks since D-Day. I think my wife is still seeing OM. She is 27 and OM is 47 and has a wife and 12 year old son. OM wife doesn't know about the affair.<BR> SHOULD I TELL HER?<BR>My concerns: He will leave his wife and that will give him an opportunity to take my wife.<BR>also that will be a love buster to my wife. However I don't think OM could leave his wife and child and his wife would help keep them appart. Also OM is my wifes boss that may help through thier employer.<BR>I just don't want to make a wrong move NOW.<P>Next question: I just got Harleys book Survivind an affair. <BR> SHOULD I GIVE IT TO MY WIFE TO READ?<BR>My concern is I am going to have to start plan B to separate W from OM if she reads the book she will see through what I am doing and it will make it harder. Is that just stupid or what?<P>Main delema: I CAN'T DEPOSIT LOVE UNIT WHEN THEY ARE STILL SEEING EACH OTHER EVERY DAY AT WORK AND CONTINUING THE AFFAIR!<P>WHAT DO I DO PLEASE HELP<BR> <BR>Thank you for youR advice!

c/h - I presume you didn't confront her last night?<P>Do you know OM and his wife well? If so, it argues for telling her, in my opinion. Another alternative is to tell the OM that you're going to tell his wife unless he backs off. Yup, a LB to your wife, but maybe a silver bullet. Hard to predict what he'll do when threatened, but leaving his family is not a sure thing.<P>IMHO, you're no where close to Plan B yet. You can deposit love units while the affair is ongoing. Read SAA thoroughly - Plan A, Plan A, Plan A.<P>Don't try to educate her now by giving her SAA. She won't be receptive unless she's ready to give up the OM.<P>Others on the forum, pleae backup or refute my advice. Since I'm not yet in recovery, my advice isn't guaranteed.<P>WAT

I didn't confront her last night. I didn't want to make the wrong move. I don't know OM wife well. i still think I should tell her. And I believe I will at some point no matter what happens. I think she has a right to know what she is married to. And if they are able to work their marriage out that may save him from preying on someone elses wife.<P>We are getting along good now and I believe I am depositing love units. She was going through withdraws up until this week end when I believe they got together. That is when her anger and depression went away and she was acting like everything was ok. she got a fix on her addiction. now she is slipping back in to her comfortable double life.<P>I WOULD LIKE TO GET A CONCENSOUS FROM YOU ALL ON WETHER I SHOULD TELL OM WIFE?<P>I have got to do something to separate them. I don't know how long I can do this without some commitment or response from her.<P>PLEASE HELP

C/H - have you finished reading SAA? Do this first. <P>You cannot separate them. Only they can do this and you can't expect this to happen quickly.<P>Regardless of whether you tell OM's wife, you need to follow Plan A, don't LB, and look at yourself to see how you might need to change. You are not responsible for your wife's affair, but you probably are responsible for contributing to the environment that allowed the affair to occur.<P>You can be in control with the knowledge you can gain from this site and with the chnages you can make in yourself to replace the emotional needs being provided by the OM. Keep depositing those love units and hang on for the ride. Give her space and don't push her or be demanding. She is not being rational right now, so don't expect to be logical with her. Time is on your side if you can provide the patience.<P>WAT

THANK YOU WAT<BR>I am reading SAA now. I have read 90 pages this morning. I should have started it earlier. Still don't know what to do about telling his wife. <BR>I am thinking about giving my wife information about withdraw in a caring manner. By writing notes. Thank you for your advice. It helps me stay grounded. I hope I can return the favor some day.<BR>

I'd have to advise against telling OM's wife. Your W will see it as a "dirty trick" and therefore a major LB. You'll be attempting (rightfully so) to "sabotage" her relationship with OM. While you and I both know that is exactly what you want and what she needs, she will not see it that way. <P>An A is like any drug. She has to WANT to quit. If you try to take away her drug of choice, she will resent you deeply, and try nearly anything to keep taking this drug.<P>I wouldn't show her SAA either. She may see it as an attempt to "control" her. Just follow what the book says, and don't let her on to what you are doing. Just work on yourself, be yourself, and keep on Plan A. <P>If you attempt to "kill off" the affair, she will probably fight to save it.

"OM wife doesn't know about the affair. SHOULD I TELL HER?"...<BR>...it's a common question<BR>...it will normally be considered a low-grad Love Buster<BR>...if you have real feelings that it would be a bigger than average LB... don't<BR>...otherwise... use your moral judgement<BR>...and be discrete (if someone else can pass the info on... it would be best!)<P>"SHOULD I GIVE IT(<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank> "Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A>) TO MY WIFE TO READ?"...<BR>...in general... it is thought you'd be "educating" her... also usually taken as a love buster.<P>You really are far from Plan B....<BR>...give Plan A much more time!<P>"Main delema: I CAN'T DEPOSIT LOVE UNIT WHEN THEY ARE STILL SEEING EACH OTHER EVERY DAY AT WORK AND CONTINUING THE AFFAIR!"...<BR>...this is untrue...<BR>...making deposits are always possible...<BR>...being so close to the situation make your perspective unclear.<BR>...Plan A is about planting seeds...<BR>...sitting there everyday you won't see a thing...<BR>...but there is progress underneath!<P>"I have got to do something to separate them. "...<BR>...with this attitude, you will be furting yourself... you'll let the affair eat away at your self-esteem.<BR>...It isn't you... it's her that has to want the separation... and a Plan A is the best way to fix you... while she wants the separation!<P>Do check out my response to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000409.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity</A>.<BR>There is alot in my <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>Welcome</A> post.

confused/hurt<P>With regard to telling OM's W, I asked the exact same question in the GQII forum about 4 weeks back. The replies and my subsequent feedback are still there if you read back through them.<P>To encapsulate my story, my W left on D-Day and had been away for 7 weeks before I ultimately decided to tell OM's W after much consideration and advice on these forums.<P>I can tell you that in the short term it did me no good whatsoever (large LB). I received a phone call from my W the next day accusing me of playing God and interfering and the classic quote "Why did you do it - what has OM ever done to you?"<P>My W did not speak to me for the next 2 weeks (we still see each other even though she left as we have 2 small children).<P>As far as I can tell, the A is still going on, but my W is now talking to me again (about kids/practical issues etc.) <P>I don't know the effect of my telling OM's W for the long term but it must have put some severe pressure on the A. Whether it will cause it to end and ultimately bring her back I don't know but I felt it was thr right thing to do.<P>From a moral perspective, although she was very upset, OM's W sincerely thanked me for telling her as she was in the dark although she suspected that her H had been behaving strangely for a few weeks.<P>Just my thoughts, but not necessarily good advice!<P>Best of luck<P><BR>HarryHat

where is GQII forum ? How do I get there. <P>To all, thank you for your advice. It has been a great comfort to me today. I still don't know what to do. I will do nothing at this time. Just to continue depositing love units as best I can. <P>You truly don't know what it means to me to have this support group. No one else understands. The people I talk to that know about the affair think I am crazy for still being here. Sometimes I question that fact myself. I owe you for keeping my head up. I sincerely thank you for that.<P>I can't wait to thank you for saving my marriage. Iam such the optimmist sometimes.<P>Other adivce would be greatly appriciated.

confused/hurt:<P>In addition to the advice above, I'd suggest that you give the MarriageBuilder's phone counseling a shot (888-639-1639): Steve and Jennifer Harley are the counselors "on call", and they're both terrific. I know this because a little over three years ago I discovered my wife's affair. I found this website (the forum wasn't here yet), and read everything here. It all made sense. And the weekend after discovery my wife took the kids to visit the OM and his family---I called Steve on a Thursday evening, and he ACTUALLY answered the phone and talked with me. I counseled with him for over a year during this process---he was a great counselor, coach, and guide for surviving his hell.<P>I'd strongly recommend getting his guidance (or Jenn's) in getting through this.

Sorry for all the pain that your experiencing!! We all are or went through it!! The GQ II forum is the forum one above the Just Found Out forum, which we are in now! More people post there than they do in this forum!<P>As for telling the OM W, I don't know, that is pretty touchy. If you tell the OM W, it will automatically be a LB in your W eyes!! As for the A, it will cause a strain on the OM family; how much a strain depends on if the OM wants to leave his W or if he really wants to stay with his wife!! You can't tell whats going to happen.<P>Use your best judgement, think things through, and try not to LB!<P>Hang in there!<BR>Take care

confused/hurt,<P>I don't have the option of telling an OM wife, because my wife's OM is single. His parents apparently disallow him from being involved with a married woman with kids, so I have thought about being nasty and telling them about his lack of morals, but that is different, and of course an LB too, and I won't do it. Not that I don't think about it.<P>In your case, it is a tough call. You've got advice already about that, and I'm not in a good position to say much.<P>I mainly wanted to say that I think you should continue Plan A for as long as you can, despite how hard it is. If it works in the long run, it will have all been worth it. Are you still living together?<P>I know the feeling of non-MB people thinking you are crazy for still being here. I tend not to tell those that I figure think like that. I have a few close friends that seem to understand, and I've educated them on MB and my goals. Others I just don't tell because they think we're crazy.<P>I would try and remain calm for now and don't try and separate them. It just won't work. Vent alot here (on General Questions II) and let us know what is happening. As you know, many of us are in the same boat. When something crappy happens, get on the PC and vent. I do that and it helps incredibly.<P>Take care.