It has been a month since I found out he has been having an affair. This came as a totally shock to me. I knew we were having some problems, but I never knew they were to this extent. ANyway, he says he is in love with her and she is everything he has ever wanted. He also said that he doens't love me anymore, never respected me, feels he married me for all the wrong reasons, always complained about me, blaa blaa blaa. It goes on and on. <P>Well we are in therapy and I am trying to keep the door open, but he doesn't even know if he wants to save the marriage or go to this woman. I have an eight month old son BTW.<P>ANyway, things are not getting better, I am getting mixed signals. i.e. he still wants to come to my family's Xmas party knowing they all know. He thinks this is sending a message that the marriage is over. It isn't to me, it is just an awkward situation, I thought would be better if he wasn't there. Then I find out he is looking for jobs close to where this woman lives. He says he isn't intending on leaving me (because he hasn't made up his mind) but I can't believe anything he says.<P>I don't even know if this makes sense. I hope it does. I just don't know how long I should wait for him to make up his mind. any advice would be appreciated.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Losing Hope Fast

Yes this makes sense. This is a very confusing time for you. Let me start by saying I’m sorry for the pain you are in right now, this is a bumpy road. First you are in counseling this is good, if it’s a good counselor. Keep going even if your H doesn’t. In my experience learning all I could about how and why A’s happen was a good start for me in determining if I wanted to stay, how long to wait etc. I would recommend these books for you to read “Torn Assunder” by Cave Carder, His needs/Her needs and surviving an affair from this site along with the information here at MB. How long you wait is a decision only you can make. <P>I am the BS, my W had an A that I found out about only 6 weeks ago, but I firmly believe that any marriage can be saved. Not only saved but restored and improved to something better than it was before the A.<P>These books will give you some insight on what you need to do. YOU is the key word here. I know it may not seem like it now, but you’re the one in control. Now that you know about the A, You have the control over it’s affects. If you’re waiting for him to wake up and say he was wrong, it’s all a mistake, and everything will return to normal your kidding yourself. You have to be the one to show him this, and the only way to show him is to come to grips with your part in this mess. At some point you will come to realize that we, the BS, do indeed play a part in how A happen. You will have to acknowledge this to him and yourself. I know that in light of your current anguish this seems very unfair. Well it is, but it is the truth.<P>What I can offer is this, learn what you can and use the information to your benefit. While your learning, I would recommend doing nothing to drive your H away further. At this point he is in the fog, in his fantasy world the OW is what he believes is the best thing for him. Try not to do anything to drive him to her. If he wants to go to this party with you, then take him. Do anything you can to keep him on your side of the fence, it’s much easier with him there. <P>Come here for all the support you need. The weekends are a bit slow around here so don’t be discouraged by few replies at this point. There are people here that have been in your shoes and they will help all that they can.<P>oswald<BR>

Welcome <B>simranrupert</B>...<P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://pages.ivillage.com/re/mb_nsr/MB_GW.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>There is so much to learn... about yourself...<P>Do start on what we call <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>...and check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.)</A>.<P>You might want to (after examining the MB concepts)... change to MB <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> (~$95US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A> or Jennifer Harley. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A> (888-639-1639)!<P>Most of all...<BR>...<B>You are not alone</B>!<P> <P>Jim

My H's A was a complete shock as well. He "fell in love" with a woman he met ONLINE!<BR>Anyway - this was six months ago and we are still in recovery. Initially my H just wanted out, but he's still here with me and our two small boys. Give it time. Keep up the counselling, read those books recommended to you. Another book I like is "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. Just listened to it on cassette as well. Hang in there, it will be good and bad - it's quite a journey!<P>

I understand completely. I am in the same situation. I found out 4 weeks ago my wife is having an affair. We are high school sweethearts, Dated for 7 years before we got married 5 yrs ago. Talk about a shock. <P>The reason your husband feels that what he has with OW is so right and special is because it is a relationship built on lies and deception. they avoid talking about negative things when they are together. Their relationship is free of the stress from everyday life. <P>Follow plan A. I know it is hard I am in the process myself. But what it designed to do is either rekindle his love for you. Or by the end your love bank will be empty and you will be able to move on. So it helps you no matter what the outcome.<P>Your husband is in a fog. He will come to his senses and realize what a wonderful person he is married to. Stay focused and stay strong. We are all here for you.<P>GOOD LUCK AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU!

Thank you very much for the words of encouragement. I knew this wasn't easy. I told him that in order for us to move forward, he had to close the door on this affair and send her a letter saying so. He did that and I actually got an email from the OW saying she needs to work out her own problems and will no longer be in contact with my H. She apologized for disrupting my life and wanted me to know she wasn't a horrible person. Coincidence after she received his email? I don't really care. The door is closed and now is the time for him to get over her. <P>We had a long talk yesterday and today and when you get right down to it, it seems we both want to work it out. He is more willing now and actually wants to move back in the bedroom. I'm not sure of that yet, but it shows he is trying. <P>I'm not sure what made him turn around, but I guess I shouldn't complain. It is still a long road to recovery and now he doesn't just have to get my trust back but his and my family's. But one step at a time. Things are looking good, but I am taking one day at a time. Nothing expected. I told him about this website and he has been reading some of the articles. I think this is helping. <P>Keep me posted on how you people are doing. I am here for all of you too. I never thought this day would come, but it has and now to move forward. <P>One thing that I think really helped is letting the injurer know that the door isn't closed. I think that really helped. I am still confused, but getting by.<P>Thanks everyone<BR>Rhonda<BR><P>------------------<BR>Losing Hope Fast

That is great news!<BR>Congratulations! Keep in mind there will still be bad days. I am not trying to bring you down. And please don't take it that way. Stay on plan A. Get the book Surviving an Affair. Read it and follow it to a T. It is a great plan for proven recovery. You are heading into something none of us have ever been through. I feel it is very important to put your marriage back together right. So that it will be affair proof.<P>Read and learn as much as you can.<P>Thank you for being here for us. Your input on the progress of your recovery will help us tremendously.<P>I wish you well in your road to recovery.