I have been adviced to stop communicating w/ my W. so she can get her thoughts and see how much she misses me and how much I mean to her. IS this Right? Right now I fear that if I stop she will continue on with OM. She seems very confused. And I know she is probably getting advice to NOT to come back home. I feel Like I am loosing it..I have tried to talk to her about us and getting back but she says she can't righy now. If I continue to talk about will I be pushing her away?<p>[This message has been edited by jac (edited December 10, 1999).]

Jac,<P>Have you had a chance to read any books on affairs yet? If not take some time to do so. Dr. Harley's book on Surviving an Affari can be ordered from this site. <P>The reason to cut communication with your wife would be to protect yourself or her from you. If you can't talk to her without losing it, then cut the contact. Cutting contact with you wife will not do much to influence her coming back to you right know and if it did, she would likely resent the reason she came back and may only leave again later. <P>Good luck and patience. Your going to need it. There's no quick fix to what your going through. Take the time to learn why your and her affair happened and starting working on changing you. That all that you can really do.

Well She called me at work . said she needed stuff for the kids. I might have made a mistake on asking to talk .. I am sooooo confused. I told her I was starting councelling next week. I asked her if she would come home so we can go to councelling together. Was I wrong to do So???? She said she needs to talk to the guy she's with cause he has already done alot for her and stuff. I told her It was up to her if she did, and to think about it.. someone Please advice

jac,<P>I just read your "I made her leave out of anger withanother man" post...<P>You're W is moving so fast on this it is unbelievable... <P>Is she living with OM?... with kids?<BR>Is it your wish that the children not be with the OM?<P>My W also asked (but more gradually) to break things off...<BR>no sex from dscovery on...<BR>no touching 3 weeks later...<BR>no kissing one week later...<BR>limited e-mail immediately after moving out...<BR>now refuses to even pick up any e-mail...<P>It's W she is doing a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> on you!<P>You always can ask to talk to your W... she just my not respond (like my W.)<P>What's more important... can/do you talk with/see your kids?<P>Normally... a little p<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is what is recommended first... but without details... it's hard to know your situation.<P>Keep on posting... and ask... ask... ask...<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Jim,<BR>Yes She is with other man. And believe me I wish the kids would stay with me but I don't want to put her through all the divorce and cort mess. She also only left cause I made her I mean Like I said before I had lost it when I found the letter to OM. But just the night before we talked about straightening things out and she listened. I hae spoke to her and she said she did not want to go and she was going to break it of wit OM but that's when I found the letter and got mad and told her to be with him. I should have made the decision for her specially while I was angry. I have spoke to her A bit today She sounds Like she wants to come home. She just says she is very cofused. I think she feels she owes OM something , You know for being there.. when I wasn't cause she said he makes her laugh, She also said He is just like me . ???? She also said he told her that she can go at any time . I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.. I told her if she comes home we can start going to councelling immediately.. But it's all up to her.. <P>thanks for listening.. <BR>JAC

Yes, it is up to her. Don't beat yourself up for getting upset. This is tough stuff! Every chance to talk with her is not your last chance. Do slow down. Do play the hardball and let her turn her head. If she doesn't... it just means she is unable to process things on the same level as you are. Do read the books. You don't have to do a lot of reading to settle your mind. Just a little at a time. The reading may bring more questions...but you'll find yourself slowing down and thinking more logically than emotionally. Both you and your W will be surprised. Do establish a regular visit schedule with your kids. They need it as do you. Your W will appreciate your interest in them. Make a pact with your W on how to communicate in front of your kids. And, if it doesn't go exactly right the first time- just try again.

Well every one , I don't know if I should move on to another part of this forum. Because according to my wife it's over. and there is nothing I can do to change her mind. She says she is happy were she is and is being well taken care of.It seems she was telling me again what i wanted to hear until NOW. I trully appreciate all of your advice . It help ease the pain just a bit . I don't know what I am going to do now. I have made an appointment with a councellor . Thank You all for your support.<P>JAC<p>[This message has been edited by jac (edited December 13, 1999).]

You stay right here. The comment your w said about it being over is what they all say. Don't give up. Take a breath a deep one. First have you read the book "Surviving an Affair. Get one now and read read, and read. Then come back here and post ask questions. Another book a easier way to get a list of books is go to search and look up NSR post I think it was called Books books books Something like that anyway there will be a list of books for you to read. It doesn't matter if you hate reading you need to do this. It will help also you go back to the home page here and there will be information on plan A and B. read that. Then come back here and ask questions. BUT DON"T GIVE UP!!!! There is hope maybe not much but there is hope. and it is way too soon to give up!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Well, I hear what you all are saying It is just that I love her so much and really wanted us to be happy together. I am going to start councelling and read some of the books you have mentioned. I just feel my life has totally fallen apart and there is not much I can do but see it go down. has anyone ever heard of a W coming abck after this type of situation ? I mean i am really starting to wonder if it's worth all this pain. <BR>JAC